Life Goes On Right??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Life Goes On Right??
16
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 8:22am
My d-day happened this past Friday night. My H left on Saturday morning with bags in tow. XAP is only worried about keeping his W (who is 8 months preg) and life in tact. Unlike mine which has now been completely destroyed. I am in sheer disgust of XAP..... What a roller coaster! The saddest part was my disregard for my children, who now, I cannot give them the life they deserve. I feel like such scum of the earth. My M wasn't the greatest during the whole A, but I knew I wanted to work on it after the A ended. My H says I need to fix myself and maybe only maybe he would start letting me back in. I'm completely destroyed. I feel like I've lost H forever. I haven't been able to eat the past 2 days. I know I will fix myself and find the reasons for the A and fight the rest of my life for my family again.... Thanks for listening.... Any thoughts r advice is welcome.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 11:28am
I have never had your experience, I ended my affair before d-day. What your H needs to understand is that the affair wasn't about him, but you. You have a void and chose to fill it in the wrong way. I know your H probably doesn't want to even talk to you right now, but will he be willing to go to MC with you? Have you thought about therapy to uncover what pushed you over the line. I know there are others on the board who have saved their marriage after dday. I am sure they will have more relevant advice for you. Be kind to yourself, yes you made a poor choice we all did. Now all we can do is move forward.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 1:58pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2012
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 2:17pm
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have no advice to offer you, as I have not been in your situation, but hopefully with time and MC or IC you can rebuild your family in a way that is best for all involved. Continuing to come to the boards to vent is a great way to ease your frustrations.
I will be thinking of you...
"No one can make you feel lnferior with out your consent" ~Eleanor Roosevelt
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2011
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 3:37pm
KMMK, I was so fortunate to not have a dday and my heart goes out to you. You have a lot of intense emotions and events to process right now so I agree with the others that counseling is important if not essential. As in any other traumatic situation, you must take each moment very slowly and go through only the basic motions of life until you can find your composure. It will help you to prioritize what steps to take. What is paramount right now? Well, without your health, no other issues can be addressed so first off, you need to try and eat, rest, and do whatever it takes to get out of panic mode and into survival mode. My xap and his w had a baby when I.went NC and it was brutally hard but it was about MY survival. I knew deep down he would only look after himself if and when the chips were down so I stayed NC to protect myself. You must do the same no matter what he ever says or does because now he has.shown you who he would really rescue from a burning building. This hurts like crazy but you can deal with the whys, hows, and whats after you stabilize. Also, if his w is 8 months pregnant, you will feel better about yourself if you let him go so he can carry out his commitment without distraction. When the baby is born, you will feel less inclined to have contact with X. You habe children yourself and understand the level of attention they require. Don't pull yourself down any further by staying involved. Take one step at a time. Your m will only have a prayer if you focus on yourself and make it an iron clad commitment to correcting and healing your life. It takes time and perseverence. Your children will heal and thrive only if that is the example you set before them. Dig deep, take care of you, and everything else falls into place. Much strength and love to you. GH
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 5:43pm
Thank you Goodheart, your name is very apropros.
I had been caught up in this fantasy but in the back of my mind I knew what the outcome would be. I knew the slyness of my xAP, obviously I knew what he was capable of. I think my focus right now is on my children and have them the least affected. I have left messages for several different T's and once I can rebuild myself, maybe only then I can rebuild my M. I know I was lost and my focus has obviously regained by this debacle. I'm just having a hard time facing myself in the mirror. I need answers of some sort. I know now that I am nothing without my family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 5:45pm
Dear wicked, I was wrong. I thought I would be fine without him. But I'm not. And it's not just the shock and awe of him leaving. I think if I really gave him the opportunity things could have worked and been better in our M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 5:47pm
Sunny day, I believe down the line my H would be willing to go to MC. We talked for two hours today and although nothing happy came out of it we were civilized and he said he would be willing down the line to go with me. I believe and want to fight hard enough for my family that it will show thru. I have a lot of issues from my past that I never dealt with properly. Like losing my mom at a young age, 16... losing my brother and father. It's all caught up to me now. And I can honestly say to myself that I am not a weak person to want to deal with it the right way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 5:49pm
Thank you to those of you who have responded. I appreciate the words, advice, and truth. I don't have much of a support system around me. So thank you all very much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2011
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 6:12pm

Awesome advice, GoodHeart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2012
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 8:40pm
May I ask aerial, what made you go back to your AP?

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