the little addict in me

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
the little addict in me
14
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 9:53am

Someone fished again yesterday. I posted about this in Feb and then he stopped. It is not xap - but an old 'flame' I've talked to occsionally. He's getting married in a few weeks. Last year when we made contacted I predicted he'd get in touch again soon before the wedding and he did in Feb but it was vague chat (text) that fizzled out. I didn't respond too much. Yesterday here he is again, this time with a photo! He texts me an old photo of us circa 1998 which is when we dated basically as 20 year old kids, with a sort of 'hey look what i found' - at first I was so shocked and amused by the pic (I'd never seen it) that I replied right away just to say wow, thanks for sharing, that's too funny. Well the following texts were of a propositional nature. He wants to see me before his 'big day.' This boy is having jitters and clearly wants one last affair or something.

I told him it was not a wise choice but I didn't easily and immediately say NO and please don't contact me again. Why?? Why was I wishy washy with the 'well i don't think so..." etc etc? That leaves a door open.

Soon as I got these texts that little addict in me... that needy person...was activated and came right out. His messages excited me and flattered me and the picture was just too much. I know it is that 20-year old me that was so into this boy back in the day getting her validation so many years later... I wanted him then and never really got him, and he wants me now and I get to play with him. Unhealthy, I know, I am admitting this.

I ended up just deleting the thread and with it, his #, so that I cannot initiate further contact. I did that the last time too. I keep deleting the # before I can memorize it. But I did not block it before I deleted it. So there is a chance a message will come my way again. I deleted before any discussion had 'concluded.'

I am afraid of that 'me', that addict, and in this case a very strong drug being dangled. You know those old loves that you will just always remember more than others? And how some people you've dated have literally been forgotten? He is the former. Not that it matters NOW and I think he is ridiculous for trying, and needs to get his act together.

I am kind of torn between wanting to talk to him as an old friend and knowing I probably shouldn't make any further contact. I need to squelch 1) the little addict and 2) the little 20-year old me.

That addict is scary and I don't want to fall off the wagon. With an example of a situation like this eliciting so much response from inside of me, I really do worry that I am not A-recovered and that something is going to happen (not necessarily with him, but in general, eventually). At this time I feel more of the pull of my M and my H and doing the 'right thing' (or, not doing the 'wrong' thing) but I see how vulnerable I am.

Not to mention the text came almost immediately after I posted yesterday about approaching my one-year A-ending and reading my journal, etc, and I was even more vulnterable in that moment.

This board will be my hand-holder and sense-kicker, yes???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 12:31pm

Ahhh yes, the addict within.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 1:58pm

Miss, my T told me quite a while ago that when you can stop yourself and acknowledge the faulty thinking pattern, you are well on your way to recovery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 3:00pm

Thank you both!! Yes, I know who I am now ... I felt that reaction and I can still feel that demon inside me pulling me to the dark side but I will not go. I do see clearly that this is something I don't want to do.

Flattering...yeah,right! It's true, he is JAM behaving badly. He has cold-feet and I am the logical one to turn to for a few reasons.

There is no place in my life for him anymore. We can't be 'friends' given the nature of the chat. And I think the excitement I felt was very much a knee-jerk reaction; when I actually think about this, I really have no interest in actually doing anything. Our time was in the late 90s in another city across the US - completely other lifetime. We are different people now. We just happen to have relocated to the same place and found each other here. There is that little pang of familarity and comfort. But he's gotta go.

He's JAM... and one who is obviously not in any position to be getting married. But, not my problem.

Indeed I know what is right and who I am, and just needed some reinforcement like you say. Feeling better now :)

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 6:10pm
Awww, sweetie -

You did great! :)

Yes, the addict is scary. And yes, sometimes there are situations that seem to bring her right to the surface, and cause all sorts of worry that we aren't really recovered, and maybe we never will be and guess where that sort of thinking leads? Right to a downward spiral of negative thoughts and negative self-talk and nowhere good or positive.

So, nip those thoughts right in the bud. You can SEE your progress, honey bunch. Maybe you had a wobbly moment or two, but you came through it and are on the other side of it. And, you can recognize where things started to go badly, and you can name the feelings that came up and see them for what they are. All of that is very big stuff, Miss!

Big hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 8:18pm
You are awesome, Miss. You realized what you were doing and you stopped it. And you are acknowledging.that your addiction.is still there, but to a much lesser extent. That's huge.
:)
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 10:39pm
Yay for you, Miss!! :) :)

((((HUGS)))) and high-fives,

Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 1:58pm

I am so grateful for all of the posts!! I am on the right path, I know I am, and I want to stay on it. I am just a little wobbly and all you guys act as the support I need to stay on! Kind of like training wheels on a bike? I am probably rid of this guy, he stopped asking when I said No but if I should hear again I know what to do.

The one-year ago me, I think she would have gone to see him without a thought. I know better now :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 8:50am
Miss...as I gain my own personal strength, I become hypersensitive to those who have strength, what that looks like and boy do you have it. You are one of the most open and honest posters on this board. I wish I had the power to fix your intimacy issue with your H. It clearly shows you are working hard and truly love your H and want to be a woman of integrity. I just am praying for some answer to that piece of your puzzle! Hugs! Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 5:22pm

That means so much to me and is so encourging; thank you! He has stayed away which is good, and after a few days of not hearing back it is once again basically forgotten. The initial surprise has worn off, and I am proud that I was able to handle him at the time and just move right along. Hindsight is 20/20 and this time I actually look back and see myself having done the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Sat, 03-31-2012 - 8:21am
Miss, you really have a wonderful spirit. Don't let this guy pull you in to a hidden dishonest relationship. You've come too far.

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