the little addict in me
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|Tue, 03-27-2012 - 9:53am|
Someone fished again yesterday. I posted about this in Feb and then he stopped. It is not xap - but an old 'flame' I've talked to occsionally. He's getting married in a few weeks. Last year when we made contacted I predicted he'd get in touch again soon before the wedding and he did in Feb but it was vague chat (text) that fizzled out. I didn't respond too much. Yesterday here he is again, this time with a photo! He texts me an old photo of us circa 1998 which is when we dated basically as 20 year old kids, with a sort of 'hey look what i found' - at first I was so shocked and amused by the pic (I'd never seen it) that I replied right away just to say wow, thanks for sharing, that's too funny. Well the following texts were of a propositional nature. He wants to see me before his 'big day.' This boy is having jitters and clearly wants one last affair or something.
I told him it was not a wise choice but I didn't easily and immediately say NO and please don't contact me again. Why?? Why was I wishy washy with the 'well i don't think so..." etc etc? That leaves a door open.
Soon as I got these texts that little addict in me... that needy person...was activated and came right out. His messages excited me and flattered me and the picture was just too much. I know it is that 20-year old me that was so into this boy back in the day getting her validation so many years later... I wanted him then and never really got him, and he wants me now and I get to play with him. Unhealthy, I know, I am admitting this.
I ended up just deleting the thread and with it, his #, so that I cannot initiate further contact. I did that the last time too. I keep deleting the # before I can memorize it. But I did not block it before I deleted it. So there is a chance a message will come my way again. I deleted before any discussion had 'concluded.'
I am afraid of that 'me', that addict, and in this case a very strong drug being dangled. You know those old loves that you will just always remember more than others? And how some people you've dated have literally been forgotten? He is the former. Not that it matters NOW and I think he is ridiculous for trying, and needs to get his act together.
I am kind of torn between wanting to talk to him as an old friend and knowing I probably shouldn't make any further contact. I need to squelch 1) the little addict and 2) the little 20-year old me.
That addict is scary and I don't want to fall off the wagon. With an example of a situation like this eliciting so much response from inside of me, I really do worry that I am not A-recovered and that something is going to happen (not necessarily with him, but in general, eventually). At this time I feel more of the pull of my M and my H and doing the 'right thing' (or, not doing the 'wrong' thing) but I see how vulnerable I am.
Not to mention the text came almost immediately after I posted yesterday about approaching my one-year A-ending and reading my journal, etc, and I was even more vulnterable in that moment.
This board will be my hand-holder and sense-kicker, yes???