Little things

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Little things
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 6:09pm

I have been doing really well this last week, still thinking about xap often but it's not making me as sad....until Saturday H decides we would go for a drive around the beach and marina as we pass the marina there is xap and his w sitting having drinks in his boat.  W always hated the boat and never went on it... That was our thing and we did it several times a week... It hurt so much, but at least she must be trying to rebuild their M. Xap is back at work on Wednesday I am Very nervous about it as we haven't spoken for 2 weeks... Thats our Longest time apart in 3 years. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
In reply to: Tily6
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 8:49pm
Hi Tily I feel your pain, you just have to be strong hun. I know that is easier said than done. Congrats to you for having made it through two weeks with NC I am going on one week now of NC. I know you are nervous about seeing him at work, I have to see my XAP at home for he lives in the same complex. You just have to keep your head held high and don't show weakness just like wonder woman LOL! We have to show them they Cannot Defeat Us and Victory will be Ours and that means NC We can Do This girl! I have faith we can do it! We can show them that we are strong and they have no power over us anymore. :) Peace, hugs, love Andie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 4:25am
There is no power struggle, we slimply had the "right love wrong time" when he was ready to commit to me I wasn't and still to this day I am a cake eater, I won't leave my M but would take him back tomorrow... He has done me a favour I can acknowledge that, but it still hurts all the same. I can't even look back at our time together as anything but beautiful, not 1 fight or disagreement, no bad feelings, just the most magical special times spent together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: Tily6
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 10:54am
What would you have to fight about really? You were a woman who accepted him being a cheater and thought the little times he snuck away from his W to throw you crumbs was "magical". There is nothing magical about being someone's secret. You really don't even know if he would have left for real. Don't believe everything he told you. An A is all smoke and mirrors.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 2:24pm

>>> still to this day I am a cake eater <<<

I don't think being a cake eater is something to be proud of.  It shows how imature, insecure and mentally unstable someone is.

>>> we slimply had the "right love wrong time" <<<

If you really believed in that bull, then you're eating "bull-crap".  It's obvious you are still in the thick fog.  Some people get stuck in it but some successfully pull themselves out.  I hope you pull out.  Wallowing in the affair muck and being stuck in the thick dark fog is not a place healthy people are hanging out in.

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Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
In reply to: Tily6
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 5:00pm


I'm sorry I don't feel your pain. 

I have been in the same place you are in and I went a different direction.

I deluded myself into thinking that I was in love and it was the circumstances that were wrong.

I was wrong.

It wasn't the circumstances.  If I had loved her like I thought I did, I would have moved heaven and earth to be with her. I didn't. It is the only thing in life that I can think of that I really wanted, worked for and failed.  I didn't try hard enough. I failed.

If it was the great love that you think, I have to ask, why would you settle for something like you have?  Why would you not leave for him? Are you just a tease? Is it only when you get your jollies that it makes a difference?

I think love, great love is a two way street.  When one is weak, when one can not commit then you have the problem.  Great love should circumvent anything in its way. I don't see that happening with you and your AP.

I think you are in a fog that will clear some day. 

I'm glad you haven't had a DDay, and really, really had to make up your mind what you would do. There is time for you to heal.

Word of warning, it isn't too late. 

Wife's have a way of being revengeful.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
In reply to: Tily6
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 5:31am
Thanks everybody for your "support" I am having a tough time, my emotions and views are changing every day! I am not a victim, I am as much to blame as AP, not only did I accept crumbs but I threw just as many.
Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 8:26am

Hi Tily! I'm sorry you are having a tough time, it is hard getting over an affair, it's an emotional rollercoaster, just as much as the affair itself was, but it gets easier with time, I promise. What you are feeling is normal, it is normal for our views and emotions to change as we recover from our affair, and it's normal to sometimes feel as though we take one step forward and two steps back. You sound as though you are making good progress, you acknowledge that you were a cake eater as much as your xAP and that you would never leave your H for him. Rather is absolutely right with what he's saying, at the moment you feel it was a case of you and your xAP truly loving each other but meeting at the wrong time. The vast majority of us, myself included, feel this whilst we are still wrapped up in affair fog, still blinded by the fantasy. You may find, like I did, and many others, that in time, once you let go of the fantasy, you realise that you and xAP never really loved each other that much at all. Maybe deep down Tily you've known this all along, and that's why you wouldn't leave your H for xAP.

I'm sorry the "support" on the boards is a bit thin on the ground at the moment, since the "upgrade" a lot of posters have thrown in the towel, which is a shame.

Rest assured that the phase that you are going through will pass Tily, and very soon you will feel better.

Love, Soglad x o x

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 5:42am

Hi, Tily.

First, I'd like to say that I'm missing the less judgmental tone these boards used to have. Society as a whole tells us As are wrong, we ourselves are dealing with guilt, so it doesn't seem necessary (or helpful) to call people immature, selfish, etc., etc. We did it, we may not be proud of it, but there must have been a reason why we did it, and I think the point is to figure out why that was. Maybe our M is  a disaster and it can't be fixed. Maybe we  have childhood trauma, my goodness, we don't know the whole of people's stories, and if someone is here, that person is probably looking for help.

That being said, I'm going to have to go with something along Rather's line (who, by the was, is saying things that sound kind of different from what I've read from him before). If it was meant to be, it would've been. Period. That may seem cold, but it's something I've realized after my own experience. I was completely in love. He said he was completely in love. We both said we'd leave our spouses and live happily ever after. I did. He... didn't. Or I don't know: I mean, he said he left her (but I don't know what may be happening now) and suddenly, out of the blue, after many, many promises, he suddenly realized I had a daughter and that was "inconvenient" for him. I cried, I raged, I thought my heart had been torn right out of my chest, I thought I had lost the love of my life. That was almost 6 months ago. I do know I loved him, or rather, I loved who he said he was. But he showed me who he really was with his actions, and if he had loved me like I wanted to be loved, he wouldn'tve left me because I had a child. This is who he is, and I know now who I am, and I know that I can love, but I also know that this man was not the person I thought he was.

While you're in the midst of the pain, it looks like there's no way out of the tunnel. But my suggestion to you is to try to think why you got into this whole thing, to focus on yourself, to try to figure out what it was that you wanted to get from your A, and then, well, to try to find love in yourself so that you may one day find the love you deserve.

A hug.


Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: Tily6
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 12:39pm

Hi Tily,

So how did things go last week, when he came back to work?

How are you doing?