A Little Worried...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
A Little Worried...
Thu, 01-12-2012 - 9:27pm
I have been much more involved on this board the past month...this month of hell. I try not to get on everyday and talk about how painful this is...I have seen some people mention they get tired of the "I feel sorry for myself" thing and I totally understand that. I mean...how many times do I or any new ender need to hear we are gonna be ok? This is my question...I have read TONS on here the past month and I see so many posts where the person is YEARS out and still there is hurt and pain. This scares the crap out of me!!! I can't believe I have lived with this pain this long, I can't imagine doing it for YEARS. I had a bad day today, and was reading and this thought just hit me like a brick. I am in T, working out why I did this, what I need to work on and my T wants a written down plan when XAP finds away around all the blocks ( he has 5 times before...and I failed each time). I think I am trying really hard to stop hurting myself and move on. Will there still be this pain years later? Just need some guidance here...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Thu, 01-12-2012 - 11:40pm
Daisy, I think right now you need to feel the pain and work through it. But I believe later, you can change your way of thinking and look at it as "it was the worst day, but the best day". Why do I say that? Because you will have moved on, your life will be filled with other things and people.

You can choose to hold yourself in the trap, the trap of crying over a lost dream, a lost love or you can look at it with no regret, as a lesson learned, or as a projection into your future. Remember everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.( I believe the reading was posted on MAS not long ago, or it can be found on you-tube) check it out, if you have not seen it.

It helps me, when I look at things in a manner of this affirmation."Everything I need comes to me, in it's own time, with it's own purpose. Today I am right where I am suppose to be".

We can not control our thoughts, but we can control our reactions to them. So do you choose to let those thoughts command you? Or are you going to choose how you react to them. You will only be as free as you convince your mind, choose your path and walk it. Don't let this train wreck drag you down the tracks. You have come so far!!
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 10:00am
Hiya Daisy,

So, this is what I know for sure. Any new ender needs to hear that they are going to be okay as many times as they need to hear it - and there is *nothing* wrong with that. If anyone is "tired" of whatever flavor of post - well, they don't have to read them now do they?

Your healing, your path, the way that you will go through this process is your OWN journey. Don't ever let anyone tell you or make you feel as though you are somehow lacking, or inept, or not doing it right.

And too, keep in mind that while everything is still very fresh...while the pain is at its highest level...that could maybe color how you are reading things. You may see things that maybe aren't really there, because you feel so awful. When we're so down...we're very quick to perceive things as negative, so try to go easy on yourself, okay? :)

Sometimes people are years out and they're still in pain, yes. I tend to think that it happens that way when someone hasn't really fully processed all of the pain and emotions involved in the affair and in the ending. It's hard work, trying to stay present, and to allow the feelings to happen, and to really work through them. And it's tiring work, too, and sometimes, it feels easier to just...bury it, or try to take shortcuts through it.

Things that are unresolved usually remain unresolved, and have a way of popping back up in our life. Things only really stay buried for so long, I think.

I can tell you that for me, it doesn't hurt anymore. I am here on this board and others not because I'm still hurting - but because I am doing my best to pay things forward. These boards and the friends that I made here saved my life, once upon a time. And I feel like if there is a way that I can pay it forward in some small way, then that is what I need to do. When I was at my lowest, beyond rock bottom - people extended their hands to me, and offered me hope. And now it's my turn to hold out my hand, and offer the same if I can.

You'll get through this, Daisy. I have no doubt about that.




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 12:12pm

I have also tried not to post much since I've found this board because how many times can I say I am still crying and hurting and not getting over my xAP...(ended 7.5 mos ago and NC since, other than a few brief meaningless emails). So in my daily moments of weakness when I am just about to draft a new message to him, I come on here and usually lurk but stay quiet. But your post makes me think about it - I would think that someone who is annoyed by posts like this or wants to say 'stop feeling sorry for yourself and get over it' would not be here and should not be here giving advice.

I will probably still reign it in, because it really would be me saying the same things over and over, basically venting about the pain I am in. I have already probably been told everything I need to be told. But it is that helpless feeling, like there is nothing more I or anyone can do or say. It is just going to have to take time.

The years thing worries me too. I cannot see the light at all yet and really hope I do not suffer for a lifetime!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 1:07pm

I've been quietly lurking too lately because I feel like I am stuck in my healing and have gotten all I could from everyone. A lot of great support,but it doesn't seem to move me forward. I don't want to sound like a broken record either. My A ended 4 mos ago and haven't heard a peep from xAP. I have lots of good days, but he still takes up too much space in my head. I also hopeit doesn't take years and years....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2012
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 1:44pm
I'm a newbie and not far out from my A, but I have found the thing that has been most helpful to me is focusing on myself. I know that's said so often it's a cliche but it's true. Yes I have feelings for him but I am more important now. Believe me, your AP's are / will be just fine. Take the time you need to look inward in an honest way. It hasn't been pretty and certainly not pleasent but forcing myself to address the REAL issues has helped me take back some control of both my life and my emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2011
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 2:32pm
I feel the same way as Sky does about this. You have to focus on yourself. It's helped me so much. I was one of those people who always puts everyone else first. You can only control you. You can't control what others do to you but how you can control how you react to what they do and the effect that it has on you. I have no expectations of anyone else but myself. Here are some song lyrics I want to shar on this thread that have really helped me after ending the A. What I Cannot Change lyrics I know what makes me comfortable I know what makes me tick And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick Cream and sugar in my coffee Right away when I awake I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes Oh the rest is out of my hands I will learn to let go what I cannot change I will learn to forgive what I cannot change I will learn to love what I cannot change But I will change, I will change Whatever I, whenever I can I don't know my Father Or my Mother well enough Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff The pain is self inflicted I know it's not good for my health [. From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/leann-rimes-lyrics/what-i-cannot-change-lyrics.html .] But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself Oh the rest is out of my hands I will learn to let go what I cannot change I will learn to forgive what I cannot change I will learn to love what I cannot change But I will change, I will change Whatever I, whenever I can Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel I have enough hurt of my own to heal I will learn to let go what I cannot change I will learn to forgive what I cannot change I will learn to love what I cannot change But I will change, I will change Whatever I, whenever I can Keep you head up... Happy healing! LGO
Regret for wasted time is more wasted time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2011
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 2:34pm
Well my messages still seem to be running together.. Sorry for that.. Hard posting from mobile sometimes :(
Regret for wasted time is more wasted time.