in a marriage all by myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2012
in a marriage all by myself
Sat, 06-09-2012 - 5:44pm
My H works long hours and is hardly ever home when he is home, he is usually sleeping. He has been doing this a long time, and we no longer get to hang out or sleep together. He does not have the option of changing jobs and after 7 years, my kids have grown and moved out. I already had a short affair and now I'm considering divorce because I'm extremely lonely most of the time. When we married he did not work like this. The hours are mandatory. I'm tired of sucking it up for the sake of his job. I need a companion and friend!! Help!?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 10:35am

If your kids are grown, your husband really doesn't meet your needs, and it doesn't appear he'll change, get that divorce!!! Don't just think about it. Do it!!!

It will be much easier to meet a worthwhile man if you are unencumbered. Guys who'd be willing to have an affair are much less reliable---by definition. They are less likely to put in the effort to make a relationship work and keep things working. Also, with your husband still in the picture, it makes scheduling time with another man more difficult, since you have to keep things secret. By having another affair instead of divorcing, you're just asking for more pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2001
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 9:47pm

Hello KK,

I can so identify with your situation, that is one of the reasons I still allow the painful contact with XAP sometimes. At least I feel something, even if it's bad. I had the "I am divorcing you" talk w/H and his response was "I will try and meet your needs. Great, well, we had sex once in 4 weeks. I hate living here, I do not like him anymore and I am dying to get out. But after 30 years it's harder said then done. I have been attempting to do one thing a day to move forward, I am the type of person that when faced with a difficult situation I become immobile and shut down. So, one small accomplishment a day to move forward is just about all I can handle. We, well, I anyway, still love these men, we had children with them, suck it out through the hard times and had some really great times, but I am very much alone now. No one to talk to, no where to go. I miss the intensity of the affair, the self centered focus, even the lying was exciting. The anticipation of seeing someone who thought you were the most beautiful sexiest woman on the planet and he was all mine, for a little while. But that's over now, I get crumbs of a call here and there but I take them just because I get zero from H. And I am tired of being the only one to initiate sex. Hell, I can take care of myself that way. It's the lack of closeness I miss, when XAP would hold me in his arms after we made love. Sorry, I took a short trip down memory lane.

Good luck, you can email me here and we can talk if you want.

Hugs to you,


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 11:04am

"At least I feel something, even if it's bad."

I read this thread and my heart hurts for all of you. I remember feeling everything you're feeling and how lonely and confusing it was. Wanting more in the marriage and not knowing how to make it happen. It was so incredibly lonely. Add to that the incredible guilt of having an affair and then wanting out of the marriage no matter what happened with AP.

I went through all of these emotions while my xh and I were in marriage counseling. He said he'd try to meet my needs, but didn't understand why I had such a strong need for physical affection, holding hands and sex.  It was my problem not his and I'd probably never be happy with any man. We were kind to each other before the affair--respected one another and were probably really good friends and we were good house partners and parents. But there was no emotional passion. And hence no real intimacy to keep us together. It was sad and he was very angry, but I left knowing there was something so wrong that no amount of counseling could ever fix it. Turns out my xh was gay but wouldn't come out of the closet for 6 more years after we divorced. It makes everything that happened--the affair and the divorce--that much clearer.

And of course there are many reasons for lack of intimacy in a relationship not just being gay, but isn't the bottom line that it's incredibly important for keeping you close and connected? Marriage is complicated and divorce is so messy. The right answer for everyone is probably a little different. But as you work through your own challenges and ultimately what you want to do please know that you do deserve to be loved and cherished. It's part of the vows we all took and the expectations we had when we married. It's also an incredibly vital human need that when not met, affects every other part of our life. You matter. Your needs matter. Yell louder if you have to. But make yourself heard. I found that was the only way that I found peace with my decision to leave. Turns out it was the right decision for me and I'm glad now I did it when I did. Your journey may be different, but don't ever feel like you should just live with things the way they are. Life is too short and you are too important to settle. Hugs.


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb