Marriage Counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
Marriage Counseling
6
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 8:17am

So, the question was raised, how is MC going? I started going IC, my T knows all about the A and the Marital issues, the disconnect, and has advised me to NOT tell my H anything about the A if I really want to try to work on things, at least not at this time.

H and I went as a couple for the first time on Monday, and it was eye opening to say the least. We talked of the complete disconnect going on, and H admitted that it's really just his make-up. That he was that way in all his prior relationships, not very communicative, sort of living in his own little world really, and that even the guys that he works with comments on how closed off he can be. My T asked me if I can live with this, and my honest answer to the both of them was no! We have been discussing the book the 5 love languages (or something along those lines) and how different people need different things to feel loved. Well, my H needs touch, and I need affirmation. I explained to him, in front of the T, that I can't be physical with someone I don't feel connected to. That I need to feel love verbally, I need to hear it, I need to see it, I need actions....She explained to the both of us that while we can change to fix things, people are who they are, and chances are that he would only eventually revert back to his old ways, he is who he is really, and I need to decide if it's "enough" for me.

THAT'S the scary part, because it wasn't enough for me, if it was, I never would have entered into my A in the first place. So, I'm a little confused, and a little scared. While I don't want to break up my family, while I don't want to be alone, I keep looking to the future and asking myself, can I live like this and truly be happy? I don't know that answer, so I'm just going to continue to go to IC and MC, take baby steps, and see how it goes.

As far as AP goes, as I stated in another post, we are talking. That's the draw for the both of us, the way we can communicate, the way we both feel "connected" to each other, as we are both the same in that respect, we NEED to feel loved by affirmation, something neither of us are getting at home. We haven't seen each other in 6 weeks, and I don't know that our relationship will go back to the way it was or not, but for now, I have to say, I feel complete just having him there. When we were apart, it was as if a HUGE part of myself was missing. I know that's just a part of the "missing" part of the withdrawal process, but again, as I've said in the past, I feel empty, lonely, and unloved when he's not a part of my life. We constantly tell each other how much we love and care for one another, we constantly miss each other and long to be together. I don't have that in my M. I can't tell you the last time my H told me he loved me, talked to me about "me", our dreams, anything of substance really other than the day to day routine stuff. We co-exist, and that's hard to live with, for me. Can it change? Can we rekindle the romance, the connection? I don't know that answer. Can I try to work on that while still being connected with my AP? My gut tells me probably not, but, I guess I'm just not ready to let go. I thought I was, but when I saw him it all came rushing back, and all my "self" kept telling me was, "you love this man"....and I truly feel that I do.....He said he's glad that we ran into one another that day, that he believes it was fate that brought us there, just as it was fate that we saw each other the very first time in a crowd of thousands of people. I do believe that things happen for a reason, and while we will "never" be, he is serving some sort of purpose, perhaps teaching me something about myself.....IDK. Even my T told me that it's OK if I'm not ready to let go. That he is helping me, he is filling my voids, and it's ME who needs to decide if I can live without it. Right now, I don't think that I can...

So, as you can see, I'm at a crossroad of sorts. I WANT my marriage to work, but given the talks we are having and the long road of work that's involved, I'm unsure if it can be what I need it to be. On the other hand, I have what I need in my AP, but, we can never be.....and we both know that.......So, as I see it, I have two choices. Continue to work on my M and also have AP in my life to fill the "voids", or, walk away from AP and "settle" for less than I need. Leaving my M, I know, is another option, but one I choose NOT to do, at least at this time, because of the children, because of the financial strain it would cause, and, because I do care for H and I don't want to rip the worlds of everyone I care for apart. I have a LOT of work and a LOT of thinking to do.

Sometimes love just isn't enough.... NC since 7-30-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 9:49am

So, as you can see, I'm at a crossroad of sorts. I WANT my marriage to work, but given the talks we are having and the long road of work that's involved, I'm unsure if it can be what I need it to be. On the other hand, I have what I need in my AP, but, we can never be.....and we both know that.......So, as I see it, I have two choices. Continue to work on my M and also have AP in my life to fill the "voids", or, walk away from AP and "settle" for less than I need. Leaving my M, I know, is another option, but one I choose NOT to do, at least at this time, because of the children, because of the financial strain it would cause, and, because I do care for H and I don't want to rip the worlds of everyone I care for apart. I have a LOT of work and a LOT of thinking to do.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 9:56am
hi bk. i would like to write more when i am not on mobile but my feeling is that you cannot work on the M with ap in your life. it just doesn't work that way. i understand a lot of what you described. H and I have had similar therapy situations. he is also not super emotional/ affectionate. i read the 5 love languages recently and discussed it with H. his language is words of affirmation and also physical touch. mine seems to be quality time. identifying that and making an effort to provide that with each other has made a difference. did u read the book? he talks about.doing it for the spouse even if you.don't want to. sort of like fake it til u make it but more that you are making a.choice to love your spouse every day. and you need to speak their love language to make them feel loved. in turn they will find themselves doing the same to you.
my Ts have asked me the same Qs. can i live with it. a year ago when i was in love.with someone else the answer was a definite no. i was so out the door. now, i didn't have an ap telling me he loved me and still wanted me. i was forced into nc and forced into facing my M on my own with no affair.to cloud it. for that i.am grateful. because i otherwise could be in this limbo you are in.
bk dear, you will never be happy like this! loving each other but never being together and admitting it but.still remaining in A? you are sacrificing your deserved shot at.happiness! he's not filling any void - he's creating a bigger one in your existing life.
if u are decided to stay M for your kids don't you all deserve a fair shot at it being a happy life?
one of my Ts did say not to stay for the kids because my happiness was crucial for their well being. and she helped another friend come to the decision to.divorce. staying is not necessarily the answer. but.staying while having Ap to be in love with but never being able to be with is no answer either

is it.family for him too? there is no chance of being together...really? is he willing to work on his M too or has he considered divorce?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 10:31am

Miss,

I hear you, and I do understand, and I do feel that it's a dead end...I know this, but my heart just isn't with my logical thinking right now....

You asked if he's working on his marriage, if he's staying for the kids...The answer is that no, he's not working on his marriage, he's tried for several years, but claims that you just can't change a person, they are who they are, and he's accepted the fact that he will never "love" her the way that he "loves" me, but that for him, it's good enough, because of his daughter (she's 5). He also feels that his W doesn't "love" him the way that she should, but that they both settled on stability. They were both at that age where settling down seemed like the right thing to do, so logically, they were a good "team", a good "fit". When he decided to have a child, he decided that his life would be put on hold, he puts everything into her, he absolutely adores the ground she walks on, and can never see himself as a pt dad, ever. That's what keeps him at home, if it wasn't for his daughter, he would have been long gone. He feels, that falling in love with me, contradicts everything he believed in when he had his daughter. Now, he would like to be selfish, love to be with me, love to be happy and have the relationship that we have, but he just can't envision leaving his daughter, he's committed, he made a commitment and wants to stick with it, and I totally respect that. They, like my H and I, co-exist, it's all about team (put his daughter's name here). They have fun together, they work together as a good team, they get along for the most part, but the "connection", the "love" just isn't there, same...exact....situation as mine, and probably SO many of us here.

I know I can't fully be into my M while still involved with my AP. But, I can't leave "fully" until I'm ready, until I've had enough, or I'm only going to keep going back, and back, and back....So,, like RB says, I need to focus on ME, what I want, what I need to be a happier person, and go from there. Time will show me what I'm supposed to do, I believe :)

Sometimes love just isn't enough.... NC since 7-30-14

Avatar for ratherbeme
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Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 11:53am

Good response, Miss.

The same thing jumped out at me, and rang a bell with me.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 5:21pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 5:24pm
i totally agree, you can't have two relationships! the very line my xAP gave to me. oh i tried to argue, and say yes we can, we can do this, let's just see how it goes. thank goodness one of us was logical and realistic.