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|Sat, 04-28-2012 - 8:17am|
So, the question was raised, how is MC going? I started going IC, my T knows all about the A and the Marital issues, the disconnect, and has advised me to NOT tell my H anything about the A if I really want to try to work on things, at least not at this time.
H and I went as a couple for the first time on Monday, and it was eye opening to say the least. We talked of the complete disconnect going on, and H admitted that it's really just his make-up. That he was that way in all his prior relationships, not very communicative, sort of living in his own little world really, and that even the guys that he works with comments on how closed off he can be. My T asked me if I can live with this, and my honest answer to the both of them was no! We have been discussing the book the 5 love languages (or something along those lines) and how different people need different things to feel loved. Well, my H needs touch, and I need affirmation. I explained to him, in front of the T, that I can't be physical with someone I don't feel connected to. That I need to feel love verbally, I need to hear it, I need to see it, I need actions....She explained to the both of us that while we can change to fix things, people are who they are, and chances are that he would only eventually revert back to his old ways, he is who he is really, and I need to decide if it's "enough" for me.
THAT'S the scary part, because it wasn't enough for me, if it was, I never would have entered into my A in the first place. So, I'm a little confused, and a little scared. While I don't want to break up my family, while I don't want to be alone, I keep looking to the future and asking myself, can I live like this and truly be happy? I don't know that answer, so I'm just going to continue to go to IC and MC, take baby steps, and see how it goes.
As far as AP goes, as I stated in another post, we are talking. That's the draw for the both of us, the way we can communicate, the way we both feel "connected" to each other, as we are both the same in that respect, we NEED to feel loved by affirmation, something neither of us are getting at home. We haven't seen each other in 6 weeks, and I don't know that our relationship will go back to the way it was or not, but for now, I have to say, I feel complete just having him there. When we were apart, it was as if a HUGE part of myself was missing. I know that's just a part of the "missing" part of the withdrawal process, but again, as I've said in the past, I feel empty, lonely, and unloved when he's not a part of my life. We constantly tell each other how much we love and care for one another, we constantly miss each other and long to be together. I don't have that in my M. I can't tell you the last time my H told me he loved me, talked to me about "me", our dreams, anything of substance really other than the day to day routine stuff. We co-exist, and that's hard to live with, for me. Can it change? Can we rekindle the romance, the connection? I don't know that answer. Can I try to work on that while still being connected with my AP? My gut tells me probably not, but, I guess I'm just not ready to let go. I thought I was, but when I saw him it all came rushing back, and all my "self" kept telling me was, "you love this man"....and I truly feel that I do.....He said he's glad that we ran into one another that day, that he believes it was fate that brought us there, just as it was fate that we saw each other the very first time in a crowd of thousands of people. I do believe that things happen for a reason, and while we will "never" be, he is serving some sort of purpose, perhaps teaching me something about myself.....IDK. Even my T told me that it's OK if I'm not ready to let go. That he is helping me, he is filling my voids, and it's ME who needs to decide if I can live without it. Right now, I don't think that I can...
So, as you can see, I'm at a crossroad of sorts. I WANT my marriage to work, but given the talks we are having and the long road of work that's involved, I'm unsure if it can be what I need it to be. On the other hand, I have what I need in my AP, but, we can never be.....and we both know that.......So, as I see it, I have two choices. Continue to work on my M and also have AP in my life to fill the "voids", or, walk away from AP and "settle" for less than I need. Leaving my M, I know, is another option, but one I choose NOT to do, at least at this time, because of the children, because of the financial strain it would cause, and, because I do care for H and I don't want to rip the worlds of everyone I care for apart. I have a LOT of work and a LOT of thinking to do.