Monday...and here comes the big test.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Monday...and here comes the big test.
5
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 9:44am
I tried to come to this day like it was any other Monday. But who am I kidding? December 30th my xAP, after 2 ddays, hurting our children, hurting each other, hurting our spouses of 22 years, hurting our friends, ruining my business, hurting his, asked for N/C for 30 days, or a month. I knew then I'd never hear from him. in the year proceeding this I went N/C 5 times and didn't make it. Of course it's him who is gonna make it. I hate this. I'm tired. I am tired of him in my head. I take out my list of very specific times he was incredibly cruel to me, things he wanted me to do that I couldn't, and wonder why this is so hard for me? I should be thanking him for not contacting me. But why does it hurt so bad knowing he just walked away and never looked back. I sometimes wonder if he remembers my name. He was terrible at that, remembering names. I know Kim, none of this matters!!!!! What can I do to shake this off? This is when working from home by yourself SUCKS!!! Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 1:09pm
Daisy sweetheart, I know it is hard but HOPE that he does NOT contact you. It sounds like that would be a blessing.
I hope my xAP never contacts me again. it's the only way. And he is a good guy.
Your xAP scares me.
Please, even though it hurts, HOLD ON because the pain WILL fade.


Hope that he does not contact you. Maintain your blocks (I think you said you had them in place). Do NOT respond if he gets through.

Let this start to be over for you so you can find some peace.

Hugs
Rain
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 2:00pm

Hey Daisycakes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 2:11pm
Thank you Lulu and Rain. You two are always here for me. I am having a bad bad day. WTH? And just FYI, H and I are separated. And you know what? He is scary. He has big big issues. What is wrong with me? I know this is the best thing. I will see him if he shows up at small claims court hearing. But thats not for 3 weeks. Hope I am on more solid ground by then. I don't know what I would do without you guys right now. Daisy
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 2:33pm
Sweet Daisy,

I don't know where you are in the world, but where I am, the day is more than half over with. I hope the same is true for you, and that there are more hours of the day behind you than in front of you right now. :)

You ARE making it, sweet pea. You are doing so great, and I know that today is a hard day for you. I am sure that you are thinking of what was and what could have been. And, I am sure that somewhere in your mind, there are thoughts of what might still be. Today is the deadline - so I am sure that mixed in with all of the bad thoughts of him, there was probably some hope as well.

And, that's perfectly normal, sweetie. In the early days, it all gets mixed in together. All of the negative feelings, all of the pain, all of the sadness - all of that gets all mixed up with whatever good you felt, whatever hopes you had, and it makes you feel loony, and out of control, and helpless.

It's a storm for you today, I'm sure. But you can and you will get through it.

I hope that he doesn't try to contact you today, or this week, or at all. And, I hope that if he does end up trying...that you turn away from him. That you choose yourself, that you choose freedom, that you choose kindness and caring for yourself.

Please don't give yourself a new, fresh pain to hurt over.

You are going to be okay - I promise. Look at how far you've already come in the last month!

Hugs, and more hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 01-30-2012 - 3:57pm

Hugs Daisy,

XAP was someone many of us turned to during the A to feel better about ourselves or just to feel better about our day. Thing is we should have never given someone that much power over us to make or break our day.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.