Moving out temporarily

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
Moving out temporarily
14
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 7:24am

Hello,

Yes it's me with the bad user name that I should change, and 2012 will be so last year very soon! I have just re-read my last post from October and unfortunately don't really see too much of a change. So briefly copying & pasting from that my story is ... it's over 7 months since the end of my A, and nearly 9 since d-day.  I'm married, had year long A with work colleague who was basically married. Dday H found out, little while later XAP decides he can't leave his family etc. during the year long A I wanted to leave & be with XAP & when it was over both him & H wanted everything to go back to normal. H forgave me & wanted to do all he could to make our M work. He is a good guy I have nothing bad to say re him, I had an A not because of him.m

So since all this came out I have not left my H. I have not known what to do with myself and my life, I have not been happy. Every option is something I don't want so I can't choose it. I feel very different to those on the boards who even when feeling bad have 'committed' to trying to rebuild their marriage. This is my 2nd marriage and I don't have children with my current H, so I feel we have no ties other than our 'love' . the months have passed and I have not left. But each day can be painful, i spend many days after i get home from work or at weekends crying or just unhappy because I feel constantly on edge, in limbo wondering what I can do to sort my life out and to feel ok again. There are no bad things in my marriage, my H is a good man, kind to me through all of this, there's nothing he does wrong. It's all about me and how I feel and how I cannot feel/accept that this is my life, because it doesn't make me content or happy. I have looked and looked for what would make me content and happy and relaxed in my own world and I can't find it, I can't find any peace or anything I can hold onto or work towards. I have hoped by doing all the right things eventually it would turn things around or would start seeing more clearly what to do, but it hasn't happend. I think about being alone but that doesn't appeal either, because I think I would be lonely and sad, I don't have any friends here either. I think about what XAP made me feel (the good things, not the bad ones!) and it's those things i want to feel. I guess I want to feel in love, not a mad secret horrible affair type love, but just a happy to spend time with someone type love and I don't feel that for H.

I don't think I have read here (sorry if my memory fails me!) of anyone who after the affair ended left their H because they had fallen out of love with them. Maybe they left because their H was bad all along, or a partial cause of their A, but I haven't heard of anyone who had a decent H, but who because of the A could not feel content in their life ever again and left? All seem able to put their feelings of unhappiness aside and focus on rebulding the marriage even if it doesn't work so well, have been able to look at the positives of the marriage. I have tried, but it makes me ill almost, bursting into tears in restaurants when we are supposed to be having a 'nice time'. Love is so important to me that without it everything else is meaningless.

I guess it doesn't help that I still have to work wth XAP, who would like to be 'friends' because we do have to work together from time to time on things and because he's 'moved on' he would like to be able to say 'hi, how's things' and tell me about his kids & how things are going, or even say he misses me etc. But of course I haven't 'moved on' so have had to ask him to stop talking about personal things because I don't want to hear about his W or what he's up to because it's upsetting and I don't want to hear that his life is back to normal when mine isn't.

Well after months of doing small stuff, ie trying to act like a normal person - getting out, having new interests, meeting people, going away with H, planning things, I find that still I feel the same. I must say though that I don't cry as much over XAP, although I still miss him, though really it's just missing the feelings it gave me, anyway I have decided to 'do' something and that is move out for a couple of weeks. My H is very angry about this and thinks its so I can invite XAP round or something. But I have run out of things to 'do' to make me feel better. Perhaps I will see that being alone is not so bad, that it brings me the peace I am looking for in my life or perhaps i will miss H. My H has set a date of the end of this year that if he does not see some hope for a future together then he will leave. I don't know, maybe that will decide things for me. It's so frustrating and depressing that so much time can pass and so much of my life can be wasted on this unhappiness and that I can't find any solution.

Another rambling post I'm sorry!

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Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 1:39pm

I think its telling that you have no strong desire to be with your husband. There doesn't seem to be anything your husband has done that drove you away from him. As you say he seem like a fine man, he just does not "do it" for you anymore.It's a very untangible thing to try to quantify in your head. Your husband almost sounds like someone you could have a fine friendship with, but someone who makes a good romanticpartner for you anymore. Your post sounds like your are worried much more about the idea of being alone and upending your life in a logistical sort of way, than you are about losing your marriage. Maybe that tells you something about what your decision should be.

I think that there is nothing to be afraid of when it comes to being alone.It gives you a chance to clear your head and see things from a fresh perspective. I think some people would not advise someone to do a temporary move out. I am not sure how I feel about the idea myself. I think there is thinking along the lines of removing yourself from the situation is not going to help in the long run as if you decide to work on it, you would eventually being moving back in, so why not resolve things in the environment in which you would eventually end up if you stayed together.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 2:41pm

  I cannot encourage moving out in your situation.  Because all the emotional storm you are experiencing is internal to you!   The conflict you have with right and wrong are all in your mind.  Anyway that is all in the past. A therapist is warranted.   It is you solving your own emotional problems.  Your H is probably quite frustrated by your actions and emotional problems.  Your unhappiness is your problem not his.

dragowoman

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 4:41pm

Moving out is going to do one thing. It will let your H know that he CAN live without you, can not be dragged down by your indecision to not give up your A.

You haven't given up on it yet.  Your AP has, your H has, but you haven't.

If your M was important enough to you, and you WANTED to end the A, you would quit your job and move on.  You would do whatever it takes. There isn't one excuse in the world that keeps you working with AP other than you want to hang on to a little of it and him.

Him wanting to be friends???  Is he so desperate for friends that he wants you and only you for a friend?  What about you?  Oh thats right, you can't make up your mind what you do want.

You need profession help, to guide you into the why's?? Why you need the love of another person, other than your H. Why, you can't give it up, hanging with AP? You don't need him as a friend.

Doing nothing is not a plan.  You have to decide what is right for you and do something. Moving out does nothing. It only makes it more so that you haven't made a decision. Eventually your H will make the decision for you and that will be to move on to someone who does love him, will support him and will BE with him.  Is that what you want? Is it easier to not make a decision?

This sounds like classic behavior, P/A behavior on if you don't do something, then you can't be blamed for it.  Have you ever noticed that is other things in your life?

If you think it through, there is nothing that can be accomplished by moving out.  If you are going to do it because you want out of your marriage then go for it. I'll support you 100%.  Otherwise, stay and work out your problems.

I agree, you need some outside help.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 7:25pm

Sounds to me like the classic case of someone looking for that outside entity to make them happy instead of looking within themselves for that self supplied contentment and satisfaction.  Look, if you can't satisfy your own need for love and "feel goods" that an Affair offered you, then no matter how many marriage you go through and how many AP's family might get destroyed, you'll always be in this same rottin hole.

Moving out is good.  But, temporary not so good.  Because this would just gives you a crutch to hang on to and string your H along.  Sometimes we humans don't really know what we want until all the choices are gone and we are left to work with we what we actually got. 

I would also suggest IC (individual counseling) to sort what it is in your life you want.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 9:35pm

 Hi there I wouldn't move out but stay and try to work on your marriage. Please trust me I know what you are going through. Sh*t I live by the pxap meaning psycho because I ended it and he wont take no for an answer anyways... You need to look within and not think of the good things but the bad things. I bet the bad will outweigh the good.  This feeling you get with xap is not LOVE but LUST and it will not last. You need to cut all ties and do NC. It is the only way hun it has tooken me a yr since ending the A to get where I am today. You can too! It's still a game to him even since DH confronted him that's why I said pxap...I just keep ignoring him and he still keeps trying to get a response even after two weeks of NC which is tommorow :) You can do it girl I have faith in you we both can do this! :)                                                                                   Peace Love hugs Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2012
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 10:29pm

I disagree with some of the posts here...sorry!  Maybe I dont know the whole story.  I am splitting with my H.  Me and my XAP ended things in May..had a dday 2 weeks later and its been how many months....alot. I have tried to make my marriage work. In esssnce I dont even know how you can do that coming out of an affair but it seems alot of people on this board can and have been able to do it.  I have tried...went to counselling, held hands, had sex, slept in the same bed, had date nights. Struggled internally with everything I was doing but the therapist told me to fake it til I made it so thats what I tried to do. In the end...I just cant do it.  Would I have left him if I didnt have the A? Yes...and it sucks that I am leaving him now..because now he will always feel that is why I left him.  Not the case and I regret it.  I wish I could make my marriage work I really do because I hate uprooting my kids and dealing with all of this. But I also cant live in a state of limbo any longer either. So I know what you are going thru and all I can say for both of us is that hopefully this time next year we are in a much better place.

Hugs

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 4:36pm

Hi sweetie - yes, it is SO time for a new name!  Just do it - pretty please?  :)

So, I can tell you that I do know that we've had some posters who didn't go the rebuilding route.  HS comes to mind, as well as Snow, and Skygazer, and there are more that I am not remembering - but those three jump to my mind immediately.  Hopefully one or all of them will come around and have some sort of words of wisdom for you.

Not everyone rebuilds.  It isn't for everyone, and it isn't for anyone really to say whether or not you should or shouldn't try - that's something that you'll have to answer for yourself.

So, instead of coming at it from that perspective, let me try to come at it from a different one.  :)

With all of the stuff that you are feeling - all of the unhappiness, and discontent, and hopelessness, and confusion - do you think that all of that is a result of the affair -- or was it the *cause* of the affair?

Can you tell, I mean?  What was there, in place already, and what has only come to be since the ending of the affair and the d-day?

I know that I have said this before, but the whole "after" process can be so overwhelming and just...BIG...that it can be hard to really cope with all of it.  It's easy to find yourself totally overwhelmed, and depressed, and to feel as though everything is awful, and nothing will ever get any better.

It does though.  It really does.  And - whether you rebuild your marriage or not - you will still need to deal with all of this "stuff" in the aftermath.  You will still need to deal with you, and whatever issues you have, and you will still need to heal yourself, and get healthy and whole again.  Whether you stay or go - those things will still be there, and they will need to be worked through.

And really - it's all really big stuff, right?  And everything is bad and makes you sad and unhappy, and there isn't anything good that you can see, and you're exhausted, and so tired of feeling this way - and you feel like...something has to give.  Anything...just make it stop!

But while it is big stuff - all of it can still be broken down into smaller stuff.  Smaller bites to chew, smaller things to tackle.

I like lists.  Do you?  Are you a list-maker?  Can you be, for a few minutes?  :)

Write out a list.  One side - good, one side bad.  And don't make the list be a pros/cons list between two people.  Instead, make it an all-encompassing sort of list.  Things you are happy with or about, and things that you are unhappy with or about.  Put all of it on the list.  And then, look it over.  Look at the bad/unhappy side - and see if there is anything that is relatively easy to do something about.  Like...if you don't like the color of the walls in your bedroom - that's an easy enough fix, right?  A gallon of paint and some brushes and *voila* - fixed!

Write all of it out, sweetie.  Even the things that seem silly or superficial or what have you.  And then, see which things you can do something about without too much trouble.

Making changes is like...using a muscle that you haven't for a while.  It takes a little time to get limber, and to remember how it goes.  So, start really small - and see how it feels, and then build on those successes.

This is your life, honey.  It's up to you whether it is a happy one or an unhappy one.  I know you have the power to make it a happy one.  You have all of that inside you - you've just forgotten that for a while.

So, go make your list.  And then, tackle just one thing on it.  Do that for me - right now, today, and then come back and tell me which thing you've decided to fix this week.

Pretty please?

xoxoxo

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 5:58pm
First of all, giant hug to you!!! I am new here, only a few days NC and still in a fog. But your post struck a nerve. I am also out of love with my husband. Have been since long before my A. I love him as a person and as the father of my child, but I do not feel any romantic feelings whatsoever. He's a decent guy and a good dad. But he's done his share in severing the connection we had too. My only hesitation in leaving is my son. The thought of us splitting his time makes me sick, I don't know if I can handle having my son away from me for days at a time. And financially, I have no CLUE how we'd make it work. I know what you mean, girl. It's scary to face the unknown. But really, is it worth being miserable forever? PM me any time. I really can relate to the crying and most of the time with H is talking, I'm
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 5:59pm
Sorry... I'm wondering what happened...why am I so turned off by this man now? Keep me posted, Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 2:11pm

Hello,

Sorry I haven't responded earlier. The old site used to automatically email me when there was a response to my posts, but not so now!

Thanks to everyone who has replied, I have read through all the comments carefully.

Kharu 1 - yes you are right I am worried about the idea of being alone rather than losing my marriage, if I had been leaving to be with XAP I probably wouldnt have thought twice about my marriage. I was hoping that time alone, even if for only a week or so would give me a taste of what it might be like. As I write I have actually moved out, albeit very temporarily, for just over a week. I guess it's all very selfish, trying to weigh up whether I would be better off staying with my H or being alone. It's not all bad with my H, we can have some nice times but there's always that missing something.

I know many of the replies advised against moving out, and I can see the reasons, it's just that I feel I have to try everything. And again many are correct in seeing that the problem lies in me rather than in my H, he doesn't have major issues that need fixing in order for me to love him, and if I say things are bad it's not because something terrible is happening, it's just because of the way I feel about things, the lack of feelings of desire or whatever you want to call them post affair. My problems are how I feel rather than something bad that's happening. I often ask myself if I was single, none of this had ever happened and I went out on a date with my H would I want to have a relationship with him? Right now the answer would be no, I'd think 'nice guy, but I don't really have 'those' feelings for him' and that would be perfectly normal and acceptable and no-one would expect you to keep working at it. But when you are married it's different and I am asking myself if my feelings are 'real', will they change if I give it more time?

I know many say that you need to love yourself and get all happiness etc from within. Of course I don't expect another person to be the sole source of my happiness, but the feelings of love and companionship you can get from being with someone are an addition to happy feelings you can get from yourself. Being alone, going on holiday alone, coming home to an empty house, spending each evening alone, I think to do those things with someone else are much better, otherwise why would we pair up as we do.

Back to XAP, yes definitely lust and not love, doesn't make any sense to me at all. LC at work is hard. It would definitely be better if I didn't have to see him.

Shinebright - it's a relief to hear that I am not the only one who is having trouble going back. I liken it in the normal world to when you split up with someone, no-one would ever expect it to be the norm for you to go back to your previous partner. In the warped world of my affair I had no interest in my H for a year, I had emotionally left and was 'with' someone else. Then that somehting else ended (as it would do because it was an affair) and I was then expected to want to get back with my husband who I had 'left' a year ago. The limbo you talk about, I know it well. We all know the limbo of an affair but then there is the limbo of what we're going to do with life post affair, if we aren't sure that we want the marriage still. For me I still can't be sure that I'm thinking straight, that I'm not still in the fog.

Will respond to the other comments in a little while. Thank you all for taking the time to read my post

x

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