Moving out temporarily
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|Fri, 12-07-2012 - 7:24am|
Yes it's me with the bad user name that I should change, and 2012 will be so last year very soon! I have just re-read my last post from October and unfortunately don't really see too much of a change. So briefly copying & pasting from that my story is ... it's over 7 months since the end of my A, and nearly 9 since d-day. I'm married, had year long A with work colleague who was basically married. Dday H found out, little while later XAP decides he can't leave his family etc. during the year long A I wanted to leave & be with XAP & when it was over both him & H wanted everything to go back to normal. H forgave me & wanted to do all he could to make our M work. He is a good guy I have nothing bad to say re him, I had an A not because of him.m
So since all this came out I have not left my H. I have not known what to do with myself and my life, I have not been happy. Every option is something I don't want so I can't choose it. I feel very different to those on the boards who even when feeling bad have 'committed' to trying to rebuild their marriage. This is my 2nd marriage and I don't have children with my current H, so I feel we have no ties other than our 'love' . the months have passed and I have not left. But each day can be painful, i spend many days after i get home from work or at weekends crying or just unhappy because I feel constantly on edge, in limbo wondering what I can do to sort my life out and to feel ok again. There are no bad things in my marriage, my H is a good man, kind to me through all of this, there's nothing he does wrong. It's all about me and how I feel and how I cannot feel/accept that this is my life, because it doesn't make me content or happy. I have looked and looked for what would make me content and happy and relaxed in my own world and I can't find it, I can't find any peace or anything I can hold onto or work towards. I have hoped by doing all the right things eventually it would turn things around or would start seeing more clearly what to do, but it hasn't happend. I think about being alone but that doesn't appeal either, because I think I would be lonely and sad, I don't have any friends here either. I think about what XAP made me feel (the good things, not the bad ones!) and it's those things i want to feel. I guess I want to feel in love, not a mad secret horrible affair type love, but just a happy to spend time with someone type love and I don't feel that for H.
I don't think I have read here (sorry if my memory fails me!) of anyone who after the affair ended left their H because they had fallen out of love with them. Maybe they left because their H was bad all along, or a partial cause of their A, but I haven't heard of anyone who had a decent H, but who because of the A could not feel content in their life ever again and left? All seem able to put their feelings of unhappiness aside and focus on rebulding the marriage even if it doesn't work so well, have been able to look at the positives of the marriage. I have tried, but it makes me ill almost, bursting into tears in restaurants when we are supposed to be having a 'nice time'. Love is so important to me that without it everything else is meaningless.
I guess it doesn't help that I still have to work wth XAP, who would like to be 'friends' because we do have to work together from time to time on things and because he's 'moved on' he would like to be able to say 'hi, how's things' and tell me about his kids & how things are going, or even say he misses me etc. But of course I haven't 'moved on' so have had to ask him to stop talking about personal things because I don't want to hear about his W or what he's up to because it's upsetting and I don't want to hear that his life is back to normal when mine isn't.
Well after months of doing small stuff, ie trying to act like a normal person - getting out, having new interests, meeting people, going away with H, planning things, I find that still I feel the same. I must say though that I don't cry as much over XAP, although I still miss him, though really it's just missing the feelings it gave me, anyway I have decided to 'do' something and that is move out for a couple of weeks. My H is very angry about this and thinks its so I can invite XAP round or something. But I have run out of things to 'do' to make me feel better. Perhaps I will see that being alone is not so bad, that it brings me the peace I am looking for in my life or perhaps i will miss H. My H has set a date of the end of this year that if he does not see some hope for a future together then he will leave. I don't know, maybe that will decide things for me. It's so frustrating and depressing that so much time can pass and so much of my life can be wasted on this unhappiness and that I can't find any solution.
Another rambling post I'm sorry!