My AP contacted me last week! I thought I'd never hear from him again

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013
My AP contacted me last week! I thought I'd never hear from him again
8
Thu, 01-30-2014 - 6:04pm

Ok so I had an affair and I caught feelings for him big time and now my husband filed for divorce two weeks ago and I am completely alright with him divorcing me for cheating on him like I did and I confessed that I had had an affair.  Well back in October of last year was the last time I saw my AP and I figured I would never ever hear from him again.  I secretly hoped that I would because I fell in love with him while I was married to my husband of 14 years and I never really thought me and my AP would ever be together because he had a gf of 5 years and I was married but I still daydreamed about us getting to be together even if in reality I didn't think it would ever really happen.  Before last year I had never in my life cheated in any relationship I had ever been in but when I met my AP last year there was just some strange connection I felt with him.  People told me it was just lust and the excitement of having an affair.  Well anyways I really struggled for months since last October not to contact my AP and it was a hard fight for me daily not to do but I never did contact him because I really thought I could save my marraige.  The holidays were the worst because I thought by Christmas he would ask his gf to marry him.  Well I tried to save what was left of my marraige but it didn't work and my husband filed for divorce three weeks ago and last Friday I was getting my signature notarized on the divorce papers and left my phone in my car which I rarely ever do.  I was just so sad and forgot it when I was in signing the papers.  After I was done signing everything I was really down and looked at my phone and there it was...he sent me an email saying that he knew I didn't ever want to hear from him again but he was now single and had broken up with his gf.  I screamed so loud I'm sure people thought I was crazy.  I was then all of a sudden crying because I was so happy that he was still thinking about me.  He didn't ask to see me and had no clue that I was getting divorced.  When I told him I was getting divorced he thought it was also strange at the timing of him and I now both being single at the same time now.  He knows I need to heal from my divorce and asked if I was handling it alright and seemed concerned.  I told a close friend of mine about the timing and she said that she thinks that subconciously we both were trying to become single so we could try and have a normal relationship without having to sneak around all of the time.  I am not going to jump into a relationship again even tho this one was kinda still going on I guess but I thought it had ended in October.  I just can't help but feel so happy that he contacted me and had been thinking about me this entire time like I was thinking about him.  After I met him I thought OMG I have actually found my soul mate and I'm never going to get to be with him because I'm married and he has a gf.  Neither one of us ever asked the other to breakup with their signifigant other.  I just felt so good knowing that he just didn't move on and forget about me.  I was having such a hard time trying to understand how he could have just let go of me so easily. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

The man cheated on his g/f, he didn't mind cheating with a married woman......and if it was me, I'd feel that he had no respect for marriage or relationships.  Even though you broke it off with him, he's now letting you know that he's "free" if you're interested, thinking you were still married.  I wouldn't trust him.  He's not serious relationship material.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Your soul mate is a man who cheats, puts your second and does not contact you for months unless he has nothing else to do? Is that all your soul is worth?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006

You know what...because you will probably have that nagging feeling in the back of your mind IF you don't persue this...just see where this will lead to so that you can get this out of your system.I agree that since he had cheated on his gf with you...what's to make you think that sometime down the road..he wouldn't do that to you?? BUT because  I know that for most of us...we have to get rid of that nagging feeling because as long as there are lingering feelings you have about him...you will never know what can be so take that chance and see what happens and good luck.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  I read Honerst Girl's post.  IMO she has a good point.  I will point out another.   Compartmental thinking.  Some people seperate the emotions and desires.  others do not.  Your talking of "soulmate".  He maybe thinking lover as in sexual partner.   So you enjoying yourself with these delicious feelings can get swept away.  That's the romatic side of affairs that western culture taught us.  Do  not make any hasty life decisions.      Those life decisions need to be made when the emotional storms have passed

o

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chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013

Thank you all for your replies.  I am going to see where this might lead with him but I am going to take my time and try and get to know him more.  I know that both he and I cheated on our mates but I have felt this strange connection with him since we met.  I also find it so strange that after all the years I have been married and all the years he was with his gf that we both end up single at the same time.  I do have really deep feelings for him and I know he must feel something for me since he did contact me after breaking up with his gf.  He had no way of knowing I was getting divorced so the entire timing issue is completely bizzare to me.  I'm not going to rush into any relationship with him but I really would love to just see him again. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014

Lostsoul, go for it! You both are not involved with anyone and not hurting other people in the process. What's the worse that can happen? That it just doesn't work out between you two...Ok well if it doesn't at least you both can say you gave it a shot. If it works than great, if not, just keep it moving and continue to enjoy life. You both don't have to rush into anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2014
Lostsoul, I am envious of you! Good luck to you....but be VERY cautious. As many have said, his track record does not look to be in your favor for a faithful man. However, the timing is bizarre and so GO SLOW. Test his faithfulness. Your heart is way too fragile right now! I know the love you feel for your lost soulmate, I do. And your first heartbreak was bad, right? How much worse will it be if he breaks your heart again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
I hope things work out for you, I really do, but to be completely honest...if you pursue a real relationship with him, I wouldn't be surprised to see you on the 'Betrayed Spouses' board within a year or 2. Good luck...

I'm a runner...it isn't just what I do; it's who I am!