My husband says he will forgive my infidelity, now what do we do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2011
My husband says he will forgive my infidelity, now what do we do?
5
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 3:18am

My husband discovered that I had an affair by looking through texts on my phone.  I’m devastated.  However, he says he wants to try to work through it now….  I don’t know how to do that.  He said he will not trust me like he used to but doesn’t want to break up.  I feel like the worst person on Earth…  So, here’s what happened…

My husband is in the military.  We have been living apart since early 2011.  In Feb 2012, I was laid off from my job.  I had to go off my antidepressant because of the layoff.  Tricare, the military insurance, could not give me a substitute that worked so I took a few and then took nothing but Xanax to deal with my panic attacks.  I also tried Neurontin a bit.  It was hard.  I’m back on my medicine again.  Finally.  I told them I need it.  Nothing else works.  I’m finally myself again.  I wasn’t myself during almost all of 2012…. 

I had constant panic attacks.  I had to take Xanax nightly for insomnia.  I felt the world was collapsing on me.  I was social for a weekend, then I wanted to be inside, alone, for a week.  I wanted to go to the gym every day and become perfect.  I worried non stop about finances because I was only collecting unemployment.  We had no extra money to put in savings because I was travelling to see my husband about once a month.  I would lie in bed, calculating, counting, worrying.  I worried about mostly everything else too.  My husband’s drinking, if he was smoking, how much he was spending, what he was doing, how well he was taking care of himself….  I worried about everything there was to worry about. 

I found a new job finally in Aug 2012.  I didn’t take the insurance so I could save more money.  I had seen a show on dr. Phil about girls on sugar daddy websites who are paid a monthly allowance.  They said that they may have dinner once a month and get this allowance.  They said they don’t have sex and are not prostitutes.  I got an idea of how my husaband and I could make up for my time of unemployment.  I signed up for the site.  I had a lot of sleazy guys email me saying where they would be staying for the weekend and how much I’d charge for a night (obviously looking for a prostitute).  One guy seemed normal.  I met him one day.  He seemed good.  I had dinner with him and told him I was not going to be having sex with him.  He said OK.  He said he was blessed in life and felt good to share his wealth.  I said OK.  We went to dinner a few times, went shopping, and he came over.  He did get in the bed and I didn’t like that.  I didn’t know what to do.  I put my cat on the bed and was petting her.  We were watching TV.  He got mad and stormed out (he's allergic to cats, he said I put her in the bed to make him sick and I wanted to give her attention and not him).  He started getting jealous and moody.  He then said he wanted nothing to do with me and to return the purse he’d bought me.  I said no (I’d sold it for money to put in our joint account).  He called and was so mean and threatening.  He said he had given me so much and I never had sex with him.  I said I never told him I would.  He started sending me texts and I got mean.  I asked why he was on a sugar daddy site if he didn’t want to give gifts.  I said other guys spent tons of money on me with or without sex (a lie – only boyfriends have spent money on me), I then asked him for $900, just to be mean.  I wanted him out of my life.  He never contacted me again. 

My husband read all of it.  I had to explain it.  I feel like the worst wife on earth  He barely believes I didn’t have sex with this guy.  I feel so dirty.  I felt dirty which is why I started making excuses and stopped seeing the guy.  I didn’t want to do it anymore.  I’m not the person who can do this.  I felt bad.  But, I didn’t want to spend my life living a lie with my husband but how could I tell him what I did?  I knew I would have to tell him.  He asked me if I was going to hide it or tell him.  I said I didn’t plan to hide it forever.  I know that’s wrong.  But I felt so shameful, how could I tell him.  I couldn’t even imagine telling a girlfriend.  I fell so gross and like a criminal.  Like a prostitute.  So low and dirty and horrible.  My husband wants me to pay the guy back the money he spent on me.  He says he’s hurt but can move past this.  How do we move past it?  What can I do?  I need therapy or a psychologist, don’t I?  Something is wrong….  I feel better now that I’m on my meds.  I’m not taking Xanax nonstop (well, today I am, this happened yesterday and I can’t stop sobbing) because I feel stable.  I’m myself again.  Without my medication I’m not me.  I don’t know who I was when I met the guy.  When I did that.  I was someone else.  It’s against my morals….  My husband says everyone makes mistakes.  I feel he’s better off without me.  He says he’ll go to counseling with me.  But we aren’t even in the same city right now.  Pease some advice would help!!  I love him.  I want to be with him.  My plan was not worth this at all. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013

Hi Cassie, I read your letter earliler this morning, but I didn't have time to comment and the system was SLOW.  It sounds like you have a great husband. I know it is very difficult with a spouse in the military.  Many years ago, when we were first married, my husband was in the Navy.  You seem to have a lot of other things going on too.  You know what you did was wrong and the reasons for doing so. I would suggest some kind of counseling for your finances as well as your marriage.  Have you heard of Dave Ramsey? He has a radio program and also some books and classes at many, many churches around the country. It will teach you how to budget your incomes and plan for emergencies, like your job loss. You might check his books out at the library. I think that something like this might help you. From what you said you have been very concerned about finances.

Be careful to avoid something like the Sugar Daddy thing. They are all looking for sex. The one you found was more patient, but you found out what he was after.  If sounds too good to be true, it probably is! Thankfully, you didn't do it and you didn't become emotionally involved.  That can also be a MAJOR problem that could have led to a physical affair along with lots of emotional baggage.

If your husband is willing to forgive you and you love him too, then by all means do whatever it takes to make things work and consider yourself blessed! Please talk about your finances. You need to communicate with eachother so he knows what you are dealing with on the homefront. There are probably some things you can do to help things along. When we were in the military, we had 1 car for the first 5 years we were married.  If you have cars with payments, sell the cars and try to get reliable used vehicles. Please grab those books I mentioned earlier and find the radio program.  It might really help you. A weekend job might be in order until you can get things straightened out if you can handle it.

Best wishes,

Tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2011

I just signed up to see a therapist.  my husband is in a different city so only I will be going but I need to talk to someone.  I'm going tomorrow. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Way to go for not wasting any time! Good luck. I"m sure you will feel better with someone to listen to you and guide you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2013

Sometimes we do desperate things and regret it after the fact. But you also said you were not yourself during this time, talk to your husband and convey your thoughts and feelings as you have with us and I am sure he would understand.

 

As a married man I hold my wife dear to me and would be devastated if she was to ever do something like this to me. I would feel betrayed and could never trust her again, but most of all I would be hurt deeply. Time heals and I am sure with time this shall come to pass and your bond with your husband will strenghten.

 

Keep praying and all else will take care of itself.  Be sure to get the book Tam speaks of by "Dave Ramsy" if you find it helpful. Feel free to find the book here by doing a name search of "Dave Ramsey".

 

Best wishes to you and your hubby.

 

Wishing you well

 

Sanford 

I love to travel and write. I have several blogs that I try to keep up with in my spare time.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

 First thing see a financial planner.  The whole episode comes from relationship to money. That is understandable.   Your idea of security is financial.  Afinancial counselor can help with a budget that can put emphasis on financial health.  It will be imperative for H to be on board with this new budget plan.  people who are going through loss of a job have many fears that is normal. 

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