My selfish anger stage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
My selfish anger stage.
9
Thu, 01-26-2012 - 1:12pm
I have been stopping myself all week from posting this. I was afraid it sounded like I had no responsibility in the A. I know I do. In fact, I have blamed myself for the entire thing. I was driving home from the store and this MAJOR wave of anger hit me. I usually dont let my anger show. I pulled over and wrote this to xAP. I HATE YOU! I hate you very much. I can't believe you can live with what you did to me. And you have even lied now to everyone saying certain things did not happen so it makes me look crazy. And then you tell people I am crazy. How can you look in the mirror and know there is another human being out there that was so very good to you and you constantly did things on purpose to hurt her? HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH THAT??? And you do all this knowing you owe me 4500 dollars. I am struggling to make that payment every month. Not that you give a damn. I gave you that money out of the goodness of my heart. And, of course you stepped on it, more like stomped all over it. You NEVER think of anyone but yourself. You have a serious narcissistic behavior disorder. Which means you leave a path of destruction behind you where ever you go. I will never be the same. I WILL get a life back. I won't let you take that from me also. And you will forever live your life without a true relationship. You will never know the pure joy of loving someone unconditionally. You will never have someone who trusts you. You will never know what true contentment feels like. If I didn't hate you so much,I would feel sorry for you. Ok....there it is. I have never been this mean in my life before. I just really needed to put this out there and move on. Thank you for accepting that I can be this mean. Ugh. Daisy
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 01-26-2012 - 1:23pm
Aww, sweetie.

It's okay to be angry. You can do both things - accept responsibility for your part, and be angry at them for their part. The two things are not mutually exclusive. :)

Did you feel better after you wrote it out?

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Thu, 01-26-2012 - 1:49pm
I do Kim. I had to rip up the paper I wrote it on. I would hate for one of my children to see it. Thanks for understanding. Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Thu, 01-26-2012 - 3:25pm
Ah Daisy, don't feel bad about your note. I have one that is very similar that I wrote (but didn't send) to xap except with more profanity. I also have one where I am apologizing profusely for all the pain *I* caused, one where I'm being all mature and letting go, one where I'm just asking a million questions, one where I'm being all thankful for the lessons. And on and on. It is all part of it.

Hugs,
Lu
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 01-26-2012 - 6:12pm
Daisy - listen to Lu, she is absolutely right. It's all just part of it.

And you are much better off letting it all out rather than trying to keep it inside, where it will just fester.

And anyway, you don't want me to have to post my spiel again, do you? About how we post what we want, when we want, and we don't ever feel as though we can't talk about how we're feeling, good AND bad? You don't want to have to have THAT talk again, do you Daisy honey?

(And yes, that goes for the rest of yous too.)

(That was my attempt at "tough talk" - super effective, right?)

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 01-27-2012 - 1:54am

And here I was thinking that you had written something REALLY BAD :smileywink:

Daisy, we all have those thoughts (and often think them in much worse language than you have used). It's OK to feel angry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Fri, 01-27-2012 - 8:09pm
((((((Daisy)))))))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Fri, 01-27-2012 - 11:50pm
Aw...thanks Kat and Rain! It is amazing how I can feel that the other day and be all weepy today. Blah....I am happy that the tears are from a clear head instead of a foggy one. And I do have to say, this is my longest N/C and it is truly amazing what not getting hurt all the time feels like. Yes, I hurt. But it's not new hurt. If I even get the slightest urge to fish and see what is going on with him, I just stop myself and I KNOW whatever I find out will hurt. Hurt bad. So I just don't do it. I never want to go through this again. Thank you. I am so grateful for all of you. Daisy PS....Kat I was surprised I didn't have some VERY bad words in there. Not sure why? Lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sat, 01-28-2012 - 8:09am
DAISY wrote:
PS....Kat I was surprised I didn't have some VERY bad words in there. Not sure why? Lol

Daisy......
You are finding safer ground and realizing he is not worth all the effort anymore. That is a huge step forward. You are doing so great! Big hugs!!
~Sunny~
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sat, 01-28-2012 - 2:07pm
Awww Daisy!

I love this post of yours. I"m sorry that you're feeling weepy again, but I am so proud of you for what you are doing, and how you are handling things. In spite of your tears, you're able to care for yourself enough to avoid any new hurts. And that is awesome - it really is. :)

Big hugs,

Kim