This is my story
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|Thu, 08-01-2013 - 11:55pm|
Hello everyone, I've been sharing with you some difficulties I've had with a guy I was emailing but that didn't last. I never met him and he stop replying to me.
The story I want to share with you is the story of my affair.
Back on December, I created an account on AM. A single guy winked me 3 days after, and I visited his profile. I instantly felt attracted. He was extremely handsome. We started emailing. Soon the emails became very sexual. We'd text every night, we'd share nude pics and videos. Everything was new for me, I just felt alive again.
We met 10 days after our first message. I thought he was actually boring, and extremely shy. But despite that, we kissed five minutes after we met, it was me who initiate. suddenly I got scared, because of the way he looked. We were in a movie theatre, nobody was there and I suddenly felt vulnerable. I decided to leave. he grabbed me and hugged me very strong. I got more scared. I asked him to stop. At that time I thought I'd never see him again, he was so awkward.
But that night I missed our chats so I started looking for him again. The next morning I sent him more nude pics.
Seven days after, I agreed to meet him at his home. I was scared, but I went. We had sex because I instigated. It was weird. He never looked at me in the eyes, he seemed somehow detached. but overall, extremely experimented. Later on he confess me he had been with more than 30 women.
Third time I saw him he told me he was in love with someone else. I decided to go NC. that lasted 2 weeks, and then we started seeing again. At that time, middle February, I felt already attached to him but he never reciprocate.
He never initiated communication, only a couple times. He remained active in 5 dating sites all the time.
As time passed by, he became more caring to me, but he said he would never develop any kind of feeling because I was married.
Yet, he always returned my texts. He wanted me to be with other men because he didn't know what to do with my emotional charge.
I did the No contact thing 4 times. He never missed me.
Back on June, he agreed to have dinner with me by text (first time ever) but he was drunk. He wanted to cancel the same day but I told him I was going to meet him anyway. We had dinner, and then we made love, and that was the last time I saw him.
By that time I was drained. I felt hopeless and miserable. I lost 15 pound (I was weighting 100lbs).
I decided to go no contact for the last time because I felt my life was totally derailed: husband, kids, college, all my life was miserable and I was doing very bad.
He didn't contact me. not then, never again. I stayed no contact and this is week 8 since I last messaged him.
I was doing all right, I started to gain some weight, I finished some classes at college, I started to regain myself again.
But I still have this hole in my hearth, this pain that doesn't go away, this feeling that I was disposable, that I was living an illusion, that he made fun of me all the time...
I pursued him because I wanted him to love me. He was emotionally unavailable, as much as I am emotionally unavailable. He never gave me hope, yet I still chased him.
This is my story. I haven't been with anyone else in all this 2 months because I compare every guy with him. I am so emotionally hurt that I don;t know if I'm going to be ok some day.
I want to get the divorce, but I am economically dependable so it's not an option right now. I'm seeing a counselor and he is helping me a lot.
Why I still can't forget him and the sole idea of him having sex with other woman hurts me so badly...? Why I'm still crying...
Thank you for reading, I needed to take this out of my chest...