This is my story

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2013
This is my story
7
Thu, 08-01-2013 - 11:55pm

Hello everyone, I've been sharing with you some difficulties I've had with a guy I was emailing but that didn't last. I never met him and he stop replying to me.

The story I want to share with you is the story of my affair.

Back on December, I created an account on AM. A single guy winked me  3 days after, and I visited his profile. I instantly felt attracted. He was extremely handsome. We started emailing. Soon the emails became very sexual. We'd text every night, we'd share nude pics and videos. Everything was new for me, I just felt alive again.

We met 10 days after our first message. I thought he was actually boring, and extremely shy. But despite that, we kissed five minutes after we met, it was me who initiate. suddenly I got scared, because of the way he looked. We were in a movie theatre, nobody was there and I suddenly felt vulnerable. I decided to leave. he grabbed me and hugged me very strong. I got more scared. I asked him to stop. At that time I thought I'd never see him again, he was so awkward.
But that night I missed our chats so I started looking for him again. The next morning I sent him more nude pics.
Seven days after, I agreed to meet him at his home. I was scared, but I went. We had sex because I instigated. It was weird. He never looked at me in the eyes, he seemed somehow detached. but overall, extremely experimented. Later on he confess me he had been with more than 30 women.
Third time I saw him he told me he was in love with someone else. I decided to go NC. that lasted 2 weeks, and then we started seeing again. At that time, middle February, I felt already attached to him but he never reciprocate.
He never initiated communication, only a couple times. He remained active in 5 dating sites all the time.
As time passed by, he became more caring to me, but he said he would never develop any kind of feeling because I was married.
Yet, he always returned my texts. He wanted me to be with other men because he didn't know what to do with my emotional charge.
I did the No contact thing 4 times. He never missed me.
Back on June, he agreed to have dinner with me by text (first time ever) but he was drunk. He wanted to cancel the same day but I told him I was going to meet him anyway. We had dinner, and then we made love, and that was the last time I saw him.

By that time I was drained. I felt hopeless and miserable. I lost 15 pound (I was weighting 100lbs).
I decided to go no contact for the last time because I felt my life was totally derailed: husband, kids, college, all my life was miserable and I was doing very bad.

He didn't contact me. not then, never again. I stayed no contact and this is week 8 since I last messaged him.

I was doing all right, I started to gain some weight, I finished some classes at college, I started to regain myself again.
But I still have this hole in my hearth, this pain that doesn't go away, this feeling that I was disposable, that I was living an illusion, that he made fun of me all the time...

I pursued him because I wanted him to love me. He was emotionally unavailable, as much as I am emotionally unavailable. He never gave me hope, yet I still chased him.
This is my story. I haven't been with anyone else in all this 2 months because I compare every guy with him. I am so emotionally hurt that I don;t know if I'm going to be ok some day.
I want to get the divorce, but I am economically dependable so it's not an option right now. I'm seeing a counselor and he is helping me a lot.

Why I still can't forget him and the sole idea of him having sex with other woman hurts me so badly...? Why I'm still crying...

Thank you for reading, I needed to take this out of my chest...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-02-2013 - 11:08am

This is only my opinion so it may be off base but it seems like you were looking for the romantic fantasy of some handsome guy who would come & rescue you from your unhappy situation and fall in love with you--but I seriously doubt you would find that on a site dedicated to affairs and where you start out sending nude pics and talking about sex.  The impression that I think a man would get from that is that you are only or primarily interested in finding someone for sex and feelings aren't to be involved.  From reading these boards, I think the people who develop feelings for their AP are usually when they didn't start out to have an affair, but maybe they were friends or worked together and developed the feelings first and the affair followed.  It's good you are in therapy.  I hope that will be helpful to you.  I don't think you're really cut out for an affair.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 08-02-2013 - 2:00pm

Keep up the counseling!  It is so important that we get to the bottom of why we either became a WS, or a OW. 

If we don't, chances are high we will do it again.  We simply can't get our 'good enough' from people, places or things.  It must come from some bigger.  I call it God, but it can come from anything larger, higher, what ever you want to call it. 

Hang in there with the counseling.  It should bring you some clarity and help you either work on your M or make a plan to split.  Either way, the point is that you can be okay with your decision.  Hugs...

 

 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Sun, 08-25-2013 - 9:20pm

unless you are looking for at best "FWB" stay away from AM. Guy here with AM experience. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2013
Mon, 09-09-2013 - 4:51pm
Hi everyone again. I've been 3 months strict no contact with him until 2 days ago that I saw him online in a dating site. Yesterday I unblocked him and purposedly sneaked at his profile just for him to acknowledge me. Five minutes later he checked my profile and favorited me. Since then I've been off line because my emotions are triggered and I dont know what to do. I know he's been on and off all night, waiting for any sign, but I just can't do anything. I want him but I'm scared to be hurt again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 12:49pm

You don't want "him"...........you want someone, anyone.  As the old song goes, "you're looking for love in all the wrong places"!   Stay away from that kind of website, and set your sights higher!  Learn to love yourself, because until you do, you will settle for less than you deserve.  No decent man will love you unless you love yourself.  Men who get involved with unhappy and insecure women (and they can 'smell' them a mile away!) are losers, and users.  Good decent men look for women who are happy and secure within themselves.  If that's what you want, then you have to fix yourself first.  Good Luck!

PS:  If he contacts you, just delete and ignore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2013
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 2:14pm

thank you for your comment. I agree my self esteem is very low right now. I tend to think I'll never find anyone I feel comfortable with as it was with him. I also miss the rollercoaster, and Ive not been able to find anyone else who makes me feel the same. Truth is I havent met anyone in these 3 months because I was mostly scared of being hurt again, or because I lost the interest very quick.

after posting here, I loggued in POF and discovered he also sneaked at my profile and favorited me. I couldn't refrain myself from saying "hi" but then I loggued of because I started to feel very anxious.

I don;t know if he replied or not, I couldn't check. I know its on me to stop this or to continue, but some force is pshing me towards him. It's unconscious.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 10:14pm

Hi forget -

So you made it to the three month point...and then ended up caving and checking up on him, and now you feel just as awful as ever.  So, lesson learned?  If you haven't already, block him again on whatever sites you are on.  Better still - go and delete your own profiles and get out of those sites until you are in a better place mentally and emotionally.

You haven't met anyone because you aren't ready to meet anyone, sweet pea.  And, anyway - you're married, right?  So you still have that to deal with, one way or another.

Affairs are just a temporary fix, honey.  They won't do anything for you long-term except make you unhappy, and eat away at your self esteem.  You're already in a low frame of mind - continuing this affair or starting another won't do anything to improve that.  Yes, I know the rush and how it feels, and that it's easy to trick yourself into thinking that you can't live without it - but that's all it really is in the end...just a trick, an escape, a diversion.

At the end of the day, at the end of the affair, you are still left with yourself.  And if you're not happy with who you are, with who you see in your mirror every day - then there isn't an affair, or a guy, in the world who will be able to fix that for you.

Don't mistake drama and chaos for happiness.  It sounds trite, but happiness really does come from within.  Until you work out what that means for you and how to get there, you'll only end up causing yourself more unhappiness.

You don't want that for yourself, do you?

You are in control of this, Forget.  It's your life - and you get to say how it goes and how it turns out and where you end up.  You are strong enough, you just don't know it yet.

Hugs,

Kim