Need Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2012
Need Advice
5
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 8:22pm

I have been participating in the "betrayed spouses support" group for a while. I saw this group and I want to ask a question to those of you who have ended your affair and moved forward with your spouse. I just want to know if it is possible for the one doing the affair to be truly sorry. My husband says he is and has done things to show he is. I just cant help but think that in his mind he doesn't regret it because hesuffered  no consequences, he got to have a new sexual partner and have a good time hanging out away from his real life for 18 months. I have a tendency to let people run over me and take advantage of me and I can't help but feel that. Thanks for any advice. You all have no reason to lie to me, that's why I'm asking this group.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: awood1985
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 8:26pm

Unfortunately, this board isn't the right one to ask your questions - but if you repost this on the All Sides of an Affair board, I'm sure you'll get some responses.

Here is the link to that board:   http://www.ivillage.com/forums/forum/17607

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: awood1985
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 8:48pm
Why do you think he got to have a new sexual partner and had a good time? Why is he not having a good time in his M? what is going on? affairs happen for all kinds of reasons. My affair basically helped me get out of a terrible M. Yo have to help him find out what happened in your M or in him which caused him to stray. Some ppl are cheaters and will do so whether they are in a good M or not, but some ppl are starving for something and find someone else to fill the void (no excuse I know). The two of you have to work on this together to determine what is really going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2012
In reply to: awood1985
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 10:01pm
I know how you feel. Like your husband had his cake and ate it too. I felt ripped off when I found out about my Hs' affair. He pulled the wool over my eyes. I'm not sure what kind of advice your looking for. My husband said he had to prove something to himself and he doesn't regret it. He did feel bad about how miserable I was during that time of our lives.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
In reply to: awood1985
Sat, 12-01-2012 - 5:53am

I believe (in my situation), my cheating had nothing to do with my spouse.  I may have used my spouse's short comings to justify my cheating.  But, it was something in me that was missing and instead of looking deep inside myself and sort it out.  I took the easy and destructive fix by having an affair.  I know now that, that wasn't right and only "I" can fill that void. 

How well do you know your husband.  If he's really trying to mend his way and looking deep into why he cheated, then give him a chance.  However, an affair is very addictive and those who have tasted the high from it will have a very tough time giving it up.  Your spouse could just be saying the right things to apease you and wait till the calm water settles in.  If he's not sorting out the why's then I'd be leery  That's why, I would forgive once.  You are not his mother or babysitter.  If he can't be satisfied with being just with you, then he doesn't deserved you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2012
In reply to: awood1985
Mon, 12-17-2012 - 10:12pm
You didn't say how long you've been married, but here's what one abandoned spouse will tell you. Quit believing that you're to blame. Maybe, but mostly not. Many men fall into the category of narcissist (mine does) and cannot, cannot, be faithful. They need the excitement and rush of the naughtiness and secrecy. So, they may come back for a while (mine did) all apologetic and swearing it was only once and will never happen again. In my case, it happened again. They have now been living together for 4 years. Finally, I have enough to get a divorce and lets see when he's no longer cheating. Let's see. In the course of some soulful discussions, he admitted that he cheated on every one of his 5 wives. I never thought it would happen to me but it did. She's still married too, her 7th marriage. Some people should not be married. I would never trust your husband again. Whatever made him stray once will make him stray again. My advice is to become more self sufficient (my hubby took all our money) financially and emotionally and move on. Fast.