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|Tue, 10-22-2013 - 2:25am|
I had an affair. It started as an online emotional affair and ended with one weekend in a hotel room in a city other than where either of us lives. We had contact for a month & a half after but the affair was over. My DH didn't find out about it til 6 months after it ended. We were seperated at the time and working on divorce papers. He fought for us to get back together. Truth is, I still love him very much and we did get back together after a 6 month seperation. As soon as he moved back in, he stopped fighting for us and started dwelling on what I did. I have answered all of his questions honestly, though he refuses to believe that I have. For the last year I have tried to change everything about me that could possibly make him think that I would go down that road again. I have given him the passwords to my email accounts & my facebook. I often leave my phone laying out where he can find it & look through it. I am hiding nothing. My best & only friend allowed me to say I was going to see her that weekend. As a result, I am not allowed to have contact with her. It started out just being that I couldn't go see her anymore. (she lives about 2 hours from me) Now he gets angry if I text her or like anything she posts on facebook (including pictures of her children). I have been saying that I want to make some new friends because being friendless sucks & makes me more lonely than I was 2 years ago when the affair happened. He gets very mad & tells me that I don't want us to work. I have mentioned getting a part time job but he says he can't trust me that much. I know I dug my own hole, but is this normal? It has been a year since he moved back in & things have gotten a lot worse. Any tv show or movie that has infidelity in it makes he tell me that the woman is a worthless b***h. She is evil. If I tell him he needs to be fair to me (for any reason) he blows up & tells me that's not gonna happen because of what I did. His job requires him to be gone for 24 hours at a time every other day. I used to tell him to have a good trip on his way out the door. Even when things were at their worst between us, I told him that. Now I'm not allowed to tell him that ever again. Can't say have a good day either. He has taken over control of the money. At first, he would hand me cash & send me to get groceries or gas & tell me to keep the change. That stopped when he figured out that I could save up what I call my "secret" stash. It's not very secret cuz everyone knows I have one, just not how much is in it til I spend it. Again, I made my own bed so now I need to lie in it. But I'm not sure this is right. I don't feel like I shouldn't be able to go anywhere or do anything unless it has to do with my daughter or my niece.
I have been bugging him to go to counseling but he won't. Says he shouldn't have to go because I'm the one who messed up. He has had anger issues from day 1 and I have made it worse. He refuses to get help with those anger issues. Always has refused. Now he tells me that I'm just trying to rush him into forgiving me and into healing. I keep saying I just want to see him start to deal with the issues instead of allowing them to rule his life and keep him from healing. He does tell me that he knows I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to do to help him heal. We have visited a couple of affair recovery sites together and we have both signed up for affair recovery newsletters from a few different sites. I know he has joined a support board. I went to individual counseling for a few months starting before he moved back in. I want us to go to counseling together and I want us to start doing things as a couple. We have been married for 20 years and haven't ever really done anything together other than watch movies. In recent years we started going to concerts with a married couple that we know. Last year we decided to do that just the 2 of us and found that it was a very good way to bond. I have never cared for camping but he loves it so this last summer, I started going camping with him. But I could only get him to go a couple of times. A year ago I also got a very active dog to help me have something to do with my time. We used to go for walks together with her but that stopped after a few months.
I could really use some advice. I don't know if I'm wrong for thinking I should not be this secluded or what else I can do to help him.