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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
New here...
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Sat, 11-03-2012 - 7:53pm

Thank goodness for this board. I have been reading for a while. Wanting to post. My story is like some of yours. Had an affair with a man I was totally in love with. It ended about a month ago after his wife discovered it. He then stopped all contact with me. Nothing Since then. That has been the hardest part. How can someone go from "I want to spend the ready of my life with you" to nothing! I have been trying to go on with my life. But my mind is constantly remembering. Any advice on stopping the obsessive thoughts? It is like I am stuck there. and I feel like his ability to just drop me makes it seem like I was nothing to him. My best friend says he is just a coward and trying to save his rear. I just wish I didn't care. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 11:33pm

hi Truesy - I am glad you are here, because being on the after side of things, no matter how painful, is the way out - and As are just a canker on humanity! 

The early days are tough, especially if you were not the ender as there was no time to prepare. So break your days down into small managebale bits of time - plan only the next two or five or ten minutes of not obsessing - whatever you can manage. What you are remembering is much like a high after a drug, and our minds always go back to the high points. When you feel yourself headed in that direction, head off the thoughts with any distraction you can manage - singing, journaling, Sudoku, exercise - whadeva! I won't kid you, I am 6 months+ out and still have to walk this walk. A's are a powerful addiction and need to be treated as such. 

The Healing Library  will afford you more specific ways that people have dealt with the waves of "suck" as we lovingly refer to it, but post too and you will have help -

Many hugs, Daisy 

 

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 7:51am

I hate to welcome you here.  It only shows that you are in a bad place. It can, and does get better.

There is a lot of support here, and although nothing will make it easy on you, we can tell you what has worked for us.  Then it is up to you to try and heal. The you should be in capital letters.  It's all you and your attitude.

The path of rejection, is hard and slowly plays on our minds as though we are failures.  Untrue.  Just a fact, and you have to accept it as that. There is so much more than that in play here. Being aware of what others have gone through will help you.

The memories that were once so sweet, become poison.  And yes they can lead to sever depression. Be on guard.

It takes time to heal.  It's going to be long and hard. Give time, time. 

The HEALING LIBRARY over at Ending Affair Support board, is full of eye opening things and is the best place to get started.

The path of this journey has been, is being traveled by all of us. 

Hang in there, I am pulling for you.

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 9:28am

Hi True and welcome! Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sorry you are in pain. Your pain is understandable, and completely normal, we have all been where you are now, but I promise you it does get better, it takes time, like everything, and it's a cliche but it is true that time is a healer. We have all struggled with obsessive thoughts, and I still struggle with them now at times, and I ended my A 7 months ago. What I do to try and pull myself out of it is to concentrate on my real life. I focus on what is real in my life, and what is important, my children and my husband, and I remind myself of how wrong xAP was for me, and how being in an A nearly destroyed me,how I risked everything, how I could have lost everything, so that I don't find myself drifting off into fantasy land.

It does really hit you with a bang when you realise that your A and your xAP were not what you had hoped for or what you thought they were going to be. That what you were dreaming of ... the happy ever after, was never going to happen. 

You care because you are a good person True, like all of us here, we are good people who did a bad thing. If we didn't care, if we didn't have feelings, if we just instantly forgot about it and moved on then there would be something wrong with us! And your xAP, well, he did what they pretty much always do, he saved himself, he saved his marriage, he showed you who he really loves and who is most important to him. It was self-preservation. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his wife. So try not to concern yourself about him now, and focus on you.

So where do you go from here True? Well, like the others have said, reading through the Healing Library wil help you understand how you found yourself in this situation, and what you need to do now to heal yourself and move forward with your life. You will find so many stories there, and you will recognise yourself and your own situation there, because our stories are all so similar. Tell us more about yourself True so that we can help you more, are you married? Do you have children? How are you feeling now?

Love, Soglad x o x

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 3:23pm

Hi survivor - and welcome to the board.  I love your name - it's so strong and positive!  And, it's true - you will survive this, I promise.

You're in the early days of everything - and I know it hurts, and that this part really sucks.  But I swear there are brighter days ahead for you.

All of us here are living proof that there is an "after" - and that it is a very good place to be.

I feel like I should warn you that this may not be the last you hear from your exAP, so you may want to start thinking of a plan for when or if he tries to make contact again.  I think that most of us would say that there is a real possibility that he will try to contact you at some point, when he feels as though it's safe to do that.  So, just keep that idea in your mind, and work on a plan to protect yourself from any future hurt that could come from that.

The obsessive thoughts will get better with time.  Especially if you maintain NC (even if he tries to contact you).  If there is no new information for your brain to process, eventually it will get tired of going over the same old ground.  As long as you aren't adding fuel to that fire - it will die out, KWIM?

Hugs, sweetie.  I know you're in the very worst of it right now, and I am really sorry for that.  But, I am glad that you found us.  All of us have been where you are, or in a similar situation - so we really do understand what you're going through, and we're here to help, if we can.

More hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 8:40pm

Thank you so much for the warm welcome. There were tears in my eyes reading your replies. It is so nice to know that I'm not alone! I have found that you can't really talk about an affair. I get that. .I probably have gossipped about people in them before myself.  Never thought I would be in one. Not an excuse but he was someone I had loved and respected for a long time, and it just happened. Though he pursued me, not the other way around. And then I feel in love. He was everything my DH is not, in many ways. He was affectionate, wealthy and worldly. My DH is a sweet and kind man, and we have children together. He is very intelligent but very unaffectionate and while I know he loves me, he has trouble showing it. He also knows how to push my buttons in terms of getting me angry. He tends to be passive aggressive.  So looking back, it seems like I was ripe to have it happen, but I k now it doesn't excuse it. So here I am, in a somewhat lackluster marriage and trying to get over my addition to that person who I thought was my soul mate.  It is so hard to get through some days.  I am looking forward to learning and growing from those in here who have walked this path before.  Does he even think about me?  Does he wonder how I am?  I just can't imagine stopping all contact with someone without some kind of final discussion or whatever. Is this normal?  How long until I stop crying over this man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sun, 11-04-2012 - 9:09pm
Hi Truesy - short answer, most of your story above is lockstep with the rest of us - stop and receive hugs here << >>. It is very normal to want that ending/closure/make some g'damn sense of it all ending, and to my knowledge it rarely happens and it doesn't matter if you ended or were ended upon. As are just an emotional puzzle. You will cry for a while, and yes that is normal. But when you have a glimmer of strength, take a second to look at how this A and this man made you feel, because whatever lack is driving that, is usually what needs fixing most. What made you feel so great that you couldn't find in RL? If it's in your M, it could be that your DH couldn't help with it because he didn't know the hole was there. Addiction is absolutely the right term, and it has to be treated as such. I have come to think of my xAP as a good guy who had the same addiction based on his own needs, and we were sharing a pipe at the opium den. He could've been almost anyone... Stay with us - XO Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 8:12am
I wouldn't agree with your friend about your xap being a coward. He is a man who is trying to save his M and that means he has to go NC with you in order to do that. He is showing you what and who is most important (his M and his W). Now is the time for you to find that thing in you which made you enter this type of relationship. Forget about what he said and look at his actions. He left you as soon as his W found out. That says a lot about where he really wants to be. Be prepared because he will call you again and try to worm his way back into your life. Don't be flattered by this because it is really an insult. He will string you along as long as you allow him. While you are NC with him find ways to build your self esteem and self worth so that the next time an unavailable man comes your way you will send him packing and not fall for his lies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 7:48pm

Daisy that comment about sharing a pipe at the opium den made me laugh!  So funny and so true.  I guess I have a new understanding of what people who are addicted to alcohol or other substances feel like. You are right that it's like an addiction. I was addicted to the sweet things he said, the wonderful love letters, the physical relationship and much more.  I hope and pray that I will get by that with each day. I am trying to rebuild things with my husband. He does not know, and I cannot tell him. He has very strong feelings about As nd said he will leave me if I ever had one. I don't think there is an upside to me coming clean. At least not now. Maybe some day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 7:53pm

Myra'sfriend, why do you think he will contact me? I really do not think that will happen. But we do live in the same city and so it is possible that we may cross paths. I don't know what I would do. Probably pass out. Or deck him.  (smirk). Or most likely, cry big crocodile tears and run the other way.  Is it typical for xAPs to try to contact the other person again?  I guess that really surprises me, and makes me wonder why they would do that.

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
In reply to: happyasme
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 12:13pm

Hi true,

Welcome to your board, I'm sorry for the situation you are in and I am glad you found us.  Don't forget to cheack out the Healing Library over at EAS (Ending Affair Support).

To answer simply the question you ask Myra:  Lots do.  Why? Doesn't matter, it affects us, it hurts us, not good.  I guess It's part of the addiction, he was addicted to the A as much as you were.  He may very well be looking to start things up again when things have calmed down at home, you know, another toke of the crack pipe for old time's sake.

That's why we encourage to block and walk.  He may be the one that ended, and went NC, but that doesnt take away the fact that you are now on the "ended" or "after" side of the A and need to take care of YOU.  And that means protecting yourself from any (if any) of his attempts to contact you.  The best way to do that is to block all avenues of contact (phone, cel, e-mail, IM). 

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