Welcome to the board Someday.
I'm not sure I have too many words of wisdom for you but I will try...
My story was a bit different.
Hey there, It IS hard and it sucks but the best advice I can offer is individual therapy. First and foremost get some help for yourself. I tried a few therapists before finding one who really helped. Your story reminded me of my H in the beginning, supportive and such but be prepared for the roller coaster ride. I mostly lurk here but it has helped so much to read everyone's struggles and triumphs. The only difference between my XAP and a lot of others is I can't stand him so no contact was a piece of cake. Prior to Dday I tried no contact but didn't have much luck. 7 1/2 months from DDay now and there are good days and an occasional bad day but therapy has helped so much. So please get some help because it is one of the best decisions I ever made. My biggest struggle is some days I wake up and I am still shocked that I had an A. The other big struggle is trying to help my H heal. I feel for you, we all know exactly what you are going through. As horrible as those early days were, and oh they were terrible, I actually see a silver lining. I am a much better person now. I would have loved to have found this "better me" another way, a way without hurting the ones I love but that wasn't possible.
Thank you Kim! I have been on the roller coaster but it is more of a kiddie ride now than the "beast" Working on myself and working on a plan if rebuilding doesn't work out. I feel better now with a plan of sorts. My DH has been treating me better and he is journaling of sorts. He writes me emails, he just doesn't send them. So he is trying. ( I have read a few and he doesn't know I did that, He is still pretty angry and goes back and forth between I can't imagine life without you and sometimes he wishes he could just walk away or he is too old to start over. He hasn't said that to me