New here and feeling desperate and lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
New here and feeling desperate and lost
17
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 12:25pm

Hi everyone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 12:53pm

Wow!

Welcome to the board Someday.

I'm not sure I have too many words of wisdom for you but I will try...

My story was a bit different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 2:03pm
Hi some. I'm sorry you are here, but welcome!

There are many issues swirling around you right now, so of course you're going to be stressed. You need to take some control back from this messy situation. First off, you need to protect yourself, your children, from further injury. If your H finds your 'secret' account and knows you and xap are in contact, it will be horrid. You need to stop ALL contact with him. I know it hurts, we've all been there, ARE there now. If you truly love him, give him this gift ... He may lose more contact with his children if W finds out as well. Protect yourself.

Make a plan. Heal one day at a time first. Read the Healing Library. Post here. Heal from the A before you work on your M. I've found you can't do both right
out of the gate.

Many of us, myself included, feel we loved our xap. In my case, he was S and I M. He got tired of waiting for our 'plans' to become reality. He dumped me in a short phone conversation out of the blue. It sucked at first, still does 8 weeks later. I am slowly getting bits of joy back though. Doing fun things, trying to live in the moment. Please know, it is a deep, piercing and crippling loss. We get it.

Whether the future is with xap or H, you'll only know once you stop contact and fully allow space and time to work.

Good luck.
Gypsy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 2:05pm
When you decide to end the A, post a story on EAS. Great people will welcome you there too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 4:10pm
Your not alone, I to loved my xap like no other, still feel I do but chose to fix my marriage if its possible because I have children and years invested, I don't know if I'm still in the fog but I do know that my marriage had zero chance while still in contact with xap. Its still hard, I still struggle but its not as hard as it was a month ago and I am starting to feel for h again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2012
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 4:59pm

Hey there, It IS hard and it sucks but the best advice I can offer is individual therapy. First and foremost get some help for yourself. I tried a few therapists before finding one who really helped. Your story reminded me of my H in the beginning, supportive and such but be prepared for the roller coaster ride. I mostly lurk here but it has helped so much to read everyone's struggles and triumphs. The only difference between my XAP and a lot of others is I can't stand him so no contact was a piece of cake. Prior to Dday I tried no contact but didn't have much luck. 7 1/2 months from DDay now and there are good days and an occasional bad day but therapy has helped so much. So please get some help because it is one of the best decisions I ever made. My biggest struggle is some days I wake up and I am still shocked that I had an A. The other big struggle is trying to help my H heal. I feel for you, we all know exactly what you are going through. As horrible as those early days were, and oh they were terrible, I actually see a silver lining. I am a much better person now. I would have loved to have found this "better me" another way, a way without hurting the ones I love but that wasn't possible.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 10:04pm
Hi someday, and welcome to the board.

First and foremost - is that now that you've found us, you aren't alone with all of this any more. There are posters here (like me) who have been through a d-day, who have been sitting where you are sitting right now, who have been faced with what you are facing - and all of us have lived to tell the tale. So, while I know that you likely won't believe me right now - have faith that it DOES get better, that you CAN get through this, and come out the other side. Okay?

You have to have faith. And lots of it. And I know how hard that will be - but you can do this.

However your story works out - that remains to be seen. There are posters here who have been where you are, and who went in a different direction, and didn't rebuild their marriage, and instead went on to have a relationship with their AP.

And, there are posters here who didn't go either route - who left the marriage, and ended the affair and ended up single (and happy too).

So, you're standing at a crossroads right now - and there are all sorts of different directions you can choose to go in. And there are positives and negatives to each one that you can choose - each path comes with its own set of issues and problems and things to work through. There are choices that you will need to make. And some of those choices will just be hard - there won't be any way around that, I'm afraid.

So, knowing that - knowing that no matter what you choose - there will be hard things ahead, the first thing you need to work on is YOU. You need to get yourself strong, and get yourself healthy, mentally and emotionally - so that when you do start making decisions, you can make them from a place of health and strength, rather than from a place of fear and shame.

Because really, it all comes down to you, sweetie. Whether or not you choose to rebuild your marriage - YOU need to get yourself straight, whatever that means to you. You need clear eyes in order to be able to really look ahead and see what it is you want to do.

Personally...I don't believe that you can even start to have clear eyes as long as there are two men in the picture you're looking at. All that will do is continue to confuse the picture, I think. It'll keep you in limbo for a longer period of time, I feel.

As Dahlia suggested, individual therapy can be a great place to start sorting through things. If nothing else, it will be a safe place for you to pour your heart out without fear of judgment or worrying about hurting your husband with the thoughts in your mind.

This board can help, too - as can the Endings board, EAS.

I know how confusing a time it is right now for you, sweetie. All of us can relate to that in some fashion or another. I know how lost you feel, and how much pain you're in - I know how unstable the ground under your feet feels right now.

It gets better, though. I promise you, it does.

So, before anything else - how are you sleeping? Are you eating? Are you taking care of those two basic needs for yourself?

Hugs, honey -

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 10:05pm
Hi dahlias -

Happy you came out of lurkdom and posted in. :)

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2012
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 12:15am

Thank you Kim! I have been on the roller coaster but it is more of a kiddie ride now than the "beast" Working on myself and working on a plan if rebuilding doesn't work out. I feel better now with a plan of sorts. My DH has been treating me better and he is journaling of sorts. He writes me emails, he just doesn't send them. So he is trying. ( I have read a few and he doesn't know I did that, He is still pretty angry and goes back and forth between I can't imagine life without you and sometimes he wishes he could just walk away or he is too old to start over. He hasn't said that to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 9:40am
Ladies, thank you all for taking the time to respond, I am truly grateful. I'm such an emotional wreck right now, years streaming down my face as I read what you all wrote. Our A was only three months, but it was the longest three months of my life bc I waa living that double life, and it felt so weird to have this huge secret and not be able to tell anyone. ExAP was the only person who could relate. Now that H knows, my parents, and two of my closest friends, I do feel some weight off my shoulders, though most of them still don't know the WHOLE story - I've downplayed the extent of the feelings involved to H.

I know every situation is different, but one thing that struck me when reading some things in the healing library is how affairs are an easy fantasy world bc there are no kids, "real life" stuff etc. I guess what is unique about my situation is that our families became SO close and spent sp much time together on a weekly basis. We did see each other around our kids, all the time. We developed relationships with each others kids. Our kids had sleepovers at each other's houses. I saw him around his friend's, even Mer his parents, and vice versa. Though I know we were still in a fantasy world, we were also so immersed in every aspect of each other's lives.

I do consider our affair completely over. The last time we were together was exactly two weeks ago today (the day before D-Day). It's hard to believe that we were intimate, declaring our love and then bam - the next day our worlds shattered.

I feel like I keep taking one step forward, two steps back. H and I had a great night last night - he's making so many efforts to be the H he knows he should have been. We are connecting again. Last night, my heart didn't hurt *as* bad. But then I woke up this morning, feeling like my heart was breaking all over again bc I k ow I'm still in love with exAP, and though I'm trying to fall back in love with H, I truly don't know how to get there.

I saw him this morning, 30 min ago, briefly. Our daughters go to the same school, and this is the first day since D-day that I've been back on car duty. We were in our cars, but we saw each other. He waved. We locked eyes, and I couldn't look away. So much has fallen apart in our worlds since the two weeks when we last saw each other, and more confused than ever.

I do have my first therapy appt in a couple of days, and , and H and I are going together soon, too. I hope it helps. I know I want to/need to work on my marriage - for the sake of my kids, my H and myself. I just don't know how to stop being in love with someone in which we had an amazing "love story" together, though I know many would argue that since it was built on lies.

Thanks again so much for all your insight - it helps more than you know to hear grim people who have walked in my shoes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2012
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 9:42am
And sorry for all the spelling errors - darn auto-correct!

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