New here, and a mess!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
New here, and a mess!
9
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 6:13pm

Hi everyone,

I've been reading your posts and stories and you are inspiring. I look forward to learning from you all.

I'm in quite a spot, and I'm all over the place right now. I don't know what pushed me over the edge today to seek out this message board, but I've hit a wall. I'm 35, married for 9 years with a 5 year old son. When I married my husband, I was 100% certain it was the right decision. I was totally in love. He wasn't perfect, he is older, had a rough childhood, and I truly believe he suffers from depression and ADHD. Major anger issues. But I was in love and I could handle it. Things started going downhill when pregnant with my son. He had a hard time accepting that he was already a father even though the baby hadn't been born. We tried for over a year to get pregnant, but when it happened he was emotionally distant and not there for me. He didn't even show up for my ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. He told me he'd meet me there and went back to bed. Broke my heart. Didn't apologize until counseling a few weeks ago. He also didn't get to the hospital after my water broke for 3 hours. I was alone in the waiting room for an hour, then they took me to a room and he showed up with starbucks after an hour. Things like this have happened throughout our marriage these past few years. He is a good guy but seriously inept at family and social issues. I've begged him to get counseling and to see a doctor about medication. He loves our son more than anything, I do know that. But I am not sure he is capable of truly teaching him to be a man. Long story short, something snapped with me a few months ago and I told him again how unhappy I am and how we needed to do counseling AND that I was at the point of separating. He didn't say a word or respond but he did go to counseling. He cried, he apologized, but I was numb. Too late. I feel NOTHING and I feel guilt for feeling nothing.

Here's the part that complicates things. Through a friend, I met a guy last spring who was newly divorced. His wife left him, he has kids he ADORES, fun, good looking, funny, everything that I am missing. We were just friends for a long time, texted and I consoled him about his divorce. He was/is really torn up still. I have always known he's a mess, too. He has a hard time with emotion, he's self-centered, he's flaky about plans. All this I already knew from his best friend, who is a mutual friend of ours. When I told my husband I wanted to separate, in my head, it was over. My AP was whining one day about his divorce and I confided in him that I told my husband I wanted to separate and that I'd be in his boat pretty soon. We continued to be friends and somehow started joking about "Friends With Benefits." Many hints and flirtations later, we met up, talked about it and decided to try it. He has his kids half the time and his job keeps him hopping, but we managed to get together at least once a week for the last 3 months. It was my escape. I love going over to his house. It's warm, comfortable, we just talk and relax for a while but always end up in bed. I haven't been attracted to H for years so I completely rediscovered my sexuality. OMG. Mindblowing with this man. But as he's always told me he's "not a talker" and I began craving more and more from him, I wanted to hear I was beautiful, sexy, etc. We both agreed the sex was great but he is so strange about never giving compliments or assurance. I started to feel like I was being needy, which I just HATE. He married his wife when he was 20. They met in high school. He'd only been with her before me, so I worried about comparisons. When I would ask him anything, he'd blow up and say I was pressuring him. I feel like such an idiot. We argue at least every week and end with "If you keep pressuring me I'm done." and "If you blow up at me again I'm done." but both always agree to try to be better. Well, we had a doozie this week and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to talk to him, not text, but talk. He said he was fine, he wasn't mad, so he had no reason to talk. I was the pne with the problem and he wasn't talking about it again. That broke my heart. Selfish jerk. But as always, he backed off, I backed off and we decided to get together Sunday. He's always said we are friends first, and if we stop the sex we will still be. But my FRIENDS would never refuse to talk to me when I'm upset. I truly believe he is incapable of accepting anyone's care or concern or love. I wish wish wish that I had not texted him last night! I sent him a quick text to ask him something and he replied. But I still feel so weird about our fight. And haven't heard from him all day. I'm so depressed and I know I can't keep doing this. I feel like such an idiot but I keep feeling like he's just messed up and that he needs me as much as I need him. When we are together, it's wonderful. But if he feels weird too, like I'm sure he does, I'm pretty sure our Sunday plans are off. And I really want to be the one to cancel them. I know myself and I need the power. I need to be the one to cut it off. I miss him when we aren't together and he's like a drug. I ctually get high when we are together. My fixes are our texts, and when we are out of sync, I crash hard. I can't stop crying. I'm not mentally there for my son which is the worst thing in the world. I crave him. I also know this is taking away the energy I need to use to figure out my marriage. I want to WANT to fix it, but I feel NOTHING. I'm so confused. And the only thing that makes me feel better is a good day with him. What I want from him is to matter. I know from our mutual friend (who doesn't know we've been seeing each other) that he talks to me more than anyone. But I want him to be able to express how he feels. If he feels anything. Part of me wants to go have one more great night then end it. I don't know if I should contact him to cancel Sunday or just wait and see? The man he is attracts me beyond belief, but his actions break my heart. I made an appt with a counselor for next week, and I also made another marital counseling appointment. But I need help. I don't want to spend my time checking my phone or wondering. I did delete his contact info from his phone so it would be harder to text. But it's easy enough to get. If we are over, I want him to miss me. I don't want to be the pathetic mess I'm seeing myself become. Please please help!!!

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 6:20pm
P.S. My signature is VERY old! LOL! 5 years! Not pregnant! :)
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 8:55pm

 Hi there sounds to me like he was just using you hun. I hate to say it but that is what I got from your post he shows no emotion. I know because I was in the same situation and it caused me nothing but heartache. You should see my story.

 You need to cut ALL ties from here on out from him. Have you had a Dday does your husband know? What you are feeling for this guy is complete lust it is a mirage an illusion and it wont last. I would end it before your DH finds out. Yeah the "friends with benefits" never works out. You need to be strong and do not contact him meaning NC it is the only way.

 It has been a year since I ended it and I am still trying to get free from unstable xap he just wont leave me or my family alone. I have to live in the same complex and be a hostage in my own home. That is a lesson. You got to cowgirl up and end it it is for the best hun. If you want to talk and vent feel free to PM me. I wish you the best.                                              Peace Love Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 9:09pm

First off, I think you need to admit that the problem is you.  You keep falling for men who have issues.  WHY?  As you can see in yourself, you can't fix them.  You can only fix you.  Having an affair is not for the weak or people with issues.  This is what happens when we look to someone else to make us happy.  An affair strips you of your dignity and self esteem.  You become needy and mentally unstable.  You'll want more than the affair can afford to give you.  You become selfish and to hell with anyone else, and that includes your obligation at home and your child.  It is very destructive.

>>> I know myself and I need the power.<<<

You have NO power!!!  You've forfeited that power when you decide to sleep with another man that's not your H.

>>> What I want from him is to matter. I want him to be able to express how he feels. <<<

You know the answer to your questions.  By not telling you the stuff you want to hear, is his way of saying he doesn't feel as emotionally invested in you as you are to him.  How can he express something he doesn't feel?

Have you ever heard the saying: "Women play at sex to get love, and men play at love to get sex".  So, if this was a FWB set-up, you entered at your own risk and you can't just all of a sudden change the rules.  

If you're not happy in your M, find a way to resolve that first.  MC, self introspection and distance from the A would be required.  Understand that by not facing the problems within yourself and your M.  You were ripe for an A pickings.  It wouldn't have matter with who.  You were trying to fill a void and any man that would've given you attention would do.

Now, how to get to good place?  Examine why you keep falling for men with issues and then finding faults with them.  Are you addicted to that "in-love" feeling that everyone experiences at the beginning?  You know that those don't last.  And most of all get off of the affair roller-coaster.  Walking away from an A is very hard.  It's like an addict saying no to the drug of their choice.  Visit the EAS board, and read. read, read in their "Healing Library".

Good luck to you.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 12:56am

  I think Goddess has the jist of it.  He (both) are not the problem you are.  I suggest leaving both.  And taking time with a therapist.  Having good bye sex is ok as long as it it goodbye.  Move out on your own give yourself time to find your center. 

   People who tell you the truth about themselves need to be heard and believed.  When he told you he is not a talker did that not signal he won't be your sounding board?  The H you are not sexually interested in so let him go. 

  Go on and get a divorce.  Do not try to live two worlds. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:52am
THanks Andie. No D-Day yet. Unofficially separated from H and he is divorced.
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:54am
Thanks Goddess. I agree with everything you said. I'm so mad at myself right now AND still miss him and crave him. This sucks. Yes, I am addicted to that "in love" feeling.
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:55am

THank you xxxxS

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 2:03pm

Hi Lilyann - and welcome.  :)

So it sounds like you are in the place where...you know WHAT you have to do, you are just having a hard time finding the strength of will to actually DO it, right?

So here is the thing.  When you've fought before and had little glimpses of what it will be like when it's over and you are not a part of each other's life anymore - it hurts.  And because no one really likes feeling bad - you grab onto the first thing that seems as though it will stop that pain.  Him.  The relationship.  You look at it as something that is capable of ending your pain.

But...the truth is...it isn't.  It will never be.  Instead - it's the opposite:  it is the thing that is CAUSING the pain.  Not a solution to it - the cause of it.

And you can treat yourself like a boomerang, Lilyann - and keep throwing yourself out there, only to bounce back to the very same place you started from - but that won't get you anywhere, sweetie.  It will really only make you tired, and more frayed, and more broken, in the end.

And you say you don't know what pushed you over the edge and led you to find this board - but I think you probably know, in your heart.  And, now that you have that knowledge - even if it is just the very smallest glimmers of it - every time you throw yourself out there from now on, it will only hurt more and more, until you decide to stop.

All of us here have been where you are.  We get it.  And, we're here, holding out our hands, waiting for you to decide to grab on - and to stop the cycle.

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 6:37am
Kim, You hit the nail on the head. Thank you. This is me grabbing on. Hug
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby