New here, please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2008
New here, please help
6
Sun, 11-24-2013 - 1:00pm

I am new to this board and need some help. I recently broke up with my affair partner of many years. I am married he is in a long term relationship. My hubby and I are heading for separation and I have come to realise that I need more in life than to be the other woman. I still love him and I am in loads of pain. How do I stay strong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 11-24-2013 - 2:49pm

It may sound stupid, but you stay strong by staying strong.  You may "love" your AP, or you may just be "used to him" as a diversion in your life.  Either way, he's gone, and like any relationship, you don't "get over" it overnight.  It takes a while  And you're no longer the "other woman".  Now your marriage is headed for separation......Why?  Was that long overdue, or is it because he found out about your affair?  Do you have any desire to continue the marriage, or are you glad that it's ending.  Don't give yourself a "title".  You were the other woman, you were the wife, and maybe now you'll be the ex-wife.  Actually, what you are is a strong woman who has a whole new life ahead of you....and hopefully a better life.  You don't need either of those men in your life to be fulfilled and happy.  What you need is to learn to be happy on your own......I'm sure like most people you have things that you've always wanted to do......so go out and DO them.  You want to travel.......go somewhere.  You want to learn to play the guitar, take lessons.  You want to stop thinking about what you don't have?  Volunteer at a homeless kitchen......and you'll realize you have so much more than many people.  And in your adventures, when you least expect it, you might just find a like-minded man.......who's free and available.  Life is out there waiting for you......all you need to do is get involved in it.   There is something very freeing about being alone, doing whatever you want to do, and answering to NO ONE!  Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2008
Sun, 11-24-2013 - 2:59pm
Thanks for your input, it is very helpful. My hubby was my first real boyfriend 20 years ago and we have just grown apart. He didn't find out about the affair so it is not a factor. I feel like I am growing up and he still lives for today. We have been through a lot and it is time to call it quits.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 11-24-2013 - 11:42pm

I was in the same situation.......and I divorced my husband after nearly 20 years.  For the same reasons.....and I felt like a thousand pounds of weight was lifted off me.  Life should be enjoyed.......and if someone is dragging you down, and won't do anything to change, then you have to make the move.  If you had an affair and he didn't even know, then you know he's no longer interested in you or what you do......So now it's time to make your own life.....and make it any way you want!  Good Luck to you.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 4:51pm

gal_kittykat wrote:
<p> I have come to realise that I need more in life than to be the other woman.</p>

This is it exactly.  You now realize you can no longer be the other woman.  I also hit that spot in my R.  I was so, so painful.  But I was so, so done!  Now, I have to be honest and tell you that he did get D and we are now married.

However, my story is the exception and not the rule. 

I was going to put all over my house "He is a married man!" to keep me from caving.  :)

It is hard, but if you are really in that place, you can do it.  Hugs...

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 12-05-2013 - 12:58am

Hi

Because your husband did not find out about your affair, doesn't mean he didn't care enough.  Some men would rather just go with the flow than approach their spouse about why they seem to have pulled away than have to face emotions and communications...and possiby an answer they could not bare to hear.  For them, it is sometimes easier to ignore it and hope it will resolve itself.

I don't mean to be rude, but you may think you are growing more, but stepping outside your marriage is not grown-up behavior.  It is a sign of immaturity and lack of poor coping skills.  A grown-up addresses their perceived marital issues head on; and if that doesn't resolve the issues, then they dissolve that relationship before forging a new one.  Your husband is in the same marriage; and maybe he appears to be complacent, but there are worse things a spouse can do, no?  Or, maybe he has been stepping out himself, and that's why he appears to not care.  I've seen that case on these Boards before.

Having an affair for many years causes an even further disconnect than there may have been pre-affair.  We become totally disconnected from our real lives, we are preoccupied and negligent.  Our spouses sometimes responds in like.  You become unplugged...he becomes unplugged.  And it can be subtle...until you feel so far apart.  I would not make any rash decisions until you have regained your footing after your ending, go through the grieving process, get into therapy for guidance and support on where you go from there.

Good luck,

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 12-07-2013 - 9:26pm

  I call it closing the door.  That is how i think of it.. Just close the door an move on.  Once you made the decisions then is the time to focus on your future. The past is dead to you.  Look to the future.

dragowoman