New, looking for support, help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2012
New, looking for support, help
10
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 10:10pm
My story is nothing new, it seems everyone on this board has worn my shoes. My AP ended our 2 year affair officially 6 days ago. I am lost, and desperately trying not to text and beg, continuing to make a fool of myself. Deep down I hope beyond hope that he will text, saying he can't live without me. Of course, this won't happen. The past two years have been filled with disappointment and roller coaster emotions. We are both married, he had his d-day about 3 weeks before finally ending contact. I am broken, when does it get better?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 11:51pm
Welcome ISO, I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. It is so hard to let go of our affairs, they become such a huge part of us and a source of emotions, good and bad. They are an addiction like no other. Ouch, on the d-day on his part, did this cause exposure for you too?
Time does help heal. As well as feeling your true feelings and dealing with them vs squashing them. Are you still in contact with your X-AP? Have you tried journalist? I use to draft emails when I felt the need beg for my APs attention, I never put his email address in the send to, for fear I would accidents hit send, but I would save them in the draft folder and if I needed a reminder would go back and hash out the feelings again.
I know AP was a big part of your life, but he had A d-day, he is choosing to make a go of things at home. Out of respect for him, you have to NOT reach out to him. In the end this will give you both peace.
Think back to your life pre-AP, what kind of things did you do? What made you feel good? It is time to revisit those things or find new things to fill the void AP can no longer fill. I am sure you feel like your hanging in the wind, as your affair ended not by your choice, but you have a choice as to where you want your life to go, this is your journey, there is no rights or wrongs and unfortunately healing takes its own space and time, none of us can say how long it will take. Hugs to you my dear, I am hoping you find peace in your situation.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 11:53pm
Sorry for the typos, dang smart phones are not too smart!
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2012
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 12:11am
Thank you so much for your words of support! I am an emotional mess and trying to pretend in front of DH. Fortunately, I have not been exposed yet, but one never knows. I know you are right about AP needing space and respect. I won't reach out but part of me wants to badly. I try to stay busy with the life going on around me but right now I feel paralyzed. I hope one day I can think of the time as a growing experience and feel happy for what we shared but right now I just want to cry. In search
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 9:31am
ISO....welcome to the board. I am so sorry you are hurting. It was my xAP who went no contact on me. He did leave his wife after both our d-days and then asked to go N/C with me a month later. I know that immense feeling of rejection. Time did not work for me, A year later I was still a mess, in counseling with a T and just getting no where. My family had an intervention of sorts and I found a new T who was very specialized in this. Having an affair is really about everything going on inside of you. Mine was an accumulation of many life events that I did not deal with emotionally. People say, don't be sad..,you should be! People say stay busy, yes, but you need to let yourself work through these emotions, find out what is broken with you. People say, fill the void, replace the loss...another affair is not the answer!! I just say that because many people look for that same feel good. You can only find out what caused you to go down this road. People say time will heal all wounds, time will fade them, but you have to take action and work on you. It is tough work. Work I am still doing. N/C is protection for you now. I know it hurts, I literally was crying for weeks. As you come out of this A fog you are in, you will see how all consuming it was. I missed 2 years of my childrens lives because I was so wrapped up in xAP and doing anything I could to please him. Thank god he went N/C. I now have my life back. You will be on a roller coaster for awhile. We are all here to help whenever you need it, and journaling is a great idea!! I have many, many unsent letters to xAP. Some of them I put on this board, just to know they were out there. If you can, block all contact so you are not waiting for that text or that email. It really is just about you now honey. You have had a great loss, you need to grieve, learn about yourself, and we will all be here on your journey. Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 11:02am

Wow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2012
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 11:50am
Thank you so much for your words of hope of a brighter day. Today marks the seventh day of his NC, this is the hardest day yet. I cry so much, I wonder if I will ever feel anything else but pain. I feel physically sick and so stupid for letting this happen. It is nice to hear that others have been where I am now AND survived. I appreciate everyone's ideas, they are so helpful, thanks! In search
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2012
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 12:02pm
Daisy, wow, thank you for the support. Our stories sound very similar and I definitely know that feeling of rejection. It could not feel more intense than today. I have been to a T, yet today feels like the hardest day yet. He was such an important part of my life that I have no idea what to do. I know deep inside me, I am holding my breath, waiting for him. I am holding onto the smallest shred of hope which diminishes a little more with every passing moment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 12:37pm
ISO...I remember those days well. I'm not kidding when I said I cried for weeks. I had talked to this man everyday for 2 years. He promised me things, he said we would end up being together. All of It a lie. My xAP, I learned, was a narcissist. It took me months to figure this out because although I had heard the term, I didn't know what it really meant. I got a book about it and it was like reading the life of my xAP. This is so very new honey, the pain is as strong as it is going to be right now. You have lost something and you have to grieve that loss. Doesn't matter if it was a A, and the horrible effects they have, it is a loss to you, so you must go through the pain of grieving. I am so proud you are coming here and not contacting him. Ask all the wonderful woman on this board how any times I broke N/C, only to feel more rejected and deeper in pain. Every time, these woman took me in their cyber arms and I made it through each day. At times, literally hour by hour. I know you think you would love him to text you and want you back. My xAP actually did end up trying to get through. I have EVERY avenue of contact I can possibly have blocked. This is for ME and my protection. I am doing such hard wirk with my T right now, I don't want to go backwards and feel that way ever again. Please block every way you can. I know it's hard, I know it may not be possible right now, but please keep coming here and use the 48 hour rule. If you feel like contacting, wait 48 hours, come here, and we will talk about it. You are not alone. I can't know exactly your pain, but I can come damn close. And I am better, and getting stronger each day. Hang in there...big hugs....daisy
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 10:28pm
Hi ISO, and welcome to the board.

You're in good hands here - and you can also check out the EAS board, there is a folder there called "Affair Healing Library" and it is full of great articles and things, read though and hopefully you'll find something that will help a little bit.

I know it's hard - and I know how much you're hurting right now.

It really does get better, though. It takes work, and isn't easy - but you CAN get there, I promise.

Don't reach for the thing that caused you this much pain, sweetie. Come here instead and talk it out with people who know just how you feel - I promise we can help you get through this.

Hugs,

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 10:29pm
Hi soulm8,

Welcome to the board.

How are you doing? Did you pull the trigger yet?

Hugs,

Kim