New to posting- best way to end thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2012
New to posting- best way to end thing?
41
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 3:01pm
I have been reading this board for a few weeks this is my first time posting. I am a OW to a MM that I love very much and I know he loves me too but I've known for a while that our A needs to end. We have tried before to end it and started talking within a day. It really needs to end because I just can't bear the thought of a d day for either one of us. I was just wondering if anyone had advice on the best way to make it stick when you really don't want to hurt each other. I know that sounds dumb because of course we are going to hurt but I don't want us mad at each other and hating each other- which seems like it would make things easier.
Thanks

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 3:11pm
Hi Even If, welcome to the Board. What worked for me (after many, many attempted endings which resulted in me simply falling back into the A even harder than before) was a simple email: "I need to focus on my M and my family and I can't do that with you in my life. Please do not phone or email me again. I will not reply to any further contact. I wish you well." And then - with the amazing support of the gals at EAS - I blocked and walked. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but 12 months down the track I am A free and loving the feeling of being fully present in my real life with no more lying or shame.

We'll be here to help you through.

Kat
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 7:51pm
Hi Even, and welcome. :)

You know, I bet you'll get a lot of different kinds of answers on what the best way to end it is - but the only "right" answer is going to be the one that feels best to you, I think.

So, you've ended it before - but the ending didn't stick. So, why was that? How did you end it? What did you say? Why after having had the ending talk, did one or both of you not actually end it? Where did the ending go astray?

I think that it won't be truly possible to avoid hurting the other person, in any ending, really. No matter how kind you are, no matter how careful you are, no matter how decent you are about it - if the other person doesn't want to let go, they will be hurt if you try to. KWIM?

But, you can't avoid ending something that hurts you (and will hurt others) simply so that you don't hurt them. That won't make anything any better, it will just prolong everyone's pain, ultimately.

So, I think it's best to be clean about it - to set our your reasons for it, and to be firm about it. "I will no longer participate in this situation. Please don't contact me again." And then, remain committed to that stance - do not engage in further contact, and do not participate in the relationship.

Don't leave off on a hopeful "maybe, someday, if things change" sort of note - that will keep hope alive. IF the situation changes - you will always be free to seek each other out - that is a given in life (that things can change) and if you end on that note, it will just leave things "dangling". It will leave the idea of possibilities open - and that is a route that needs to be closed now.

I can tell you that from everything I have seen in my time on these boards - that #1 - it *always* hurts to end. But, #2 - it hurts far, far more and for far, far longer if the ending gets dragged out over any period of time at all. If NC is broken, it restarts the clock on the pain, freshens it all up, makes it bright and sharp all over again. If it ends, and then the wound is left alone to heal - it will heal far faster, and far easier than if you or he continues to pick at it.

It's going to hurt. You, him - neither of you will escape without pain. But that pain will have an end-date. Time will do its work, and you will recover. Staying in a situation that causes pain...will simply prolong it.

Hugs to you. It isn't easy. But it's completely possible to get through this, and come out the other side healthy, and happy again.

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2012
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 10:33pm

Hi Even. I ended almost 5 months ago. We ended without getting mad at each other or hating each other. Our ending was respectful and loving, but It was HARD. Despite everything I read on these boards, I didn't think it would ever get any easier. But it has.

Sometimes I think ending on good terms makes it hard to stay NC, but when I read others' stories on these boards, I realize that so many have struggled with much more difficult situations, and they've made it through. And I'm really grateful that we ended without being bitter toward each other.

It's still hard, but it's a lot better. Good luck to you on this journey.

-AB

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2012
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 6:28am
Thank you all so much! You all seem so brave it gives me strength to do the right thing. I was supposed to see him today but texted him last night that I couldn't. I think the last time we tried to end it didn't stick is because when we see each other everything goes out the window. All your advice is really good but is going to be so hard to go NC but I know it is the right thing for both of us. Kat- it is so good to hear that you are a year out of your A and feeling so good- I need to hold on to that and know that it will get better. Kim- thank you for the advice about not leaving things open for another day- that is going to be the hardest thing to do but it is the only way I know to get over him. AB- it is so good to hear that you ended things on good terms without being bitter towards each other. It seems like a lot of people who post on here about their xAP are bitter and angry at them. I just don't think I could ever be he is the most wonderful man I've ever met. Maybe it would be easier if he turned out to be a jerk. I know today is the first day of my journey it was so hard to wake up this morning and not have a good morning text from him it almost broke my heart. I am thankful to come on this board and see other people who are on the other side. I know I can do this. I have a good H who loves me and 2 great daughters who look up to me. I need to hold onto that
Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 10:24am
I am now 6 weeks into NC with my xAP. I ended the A in May, went NC in June and that lasted for 4 months. Then he contacted me and i responded and we tried "to be friends" for 3 months.

I don't want to hurt him, he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't hate hime, I know he doesn't hate me.

It does hurt. But my advice, as someone who DID go back (not into the A, but into contact) is to cut it cleanly. End it and do NOT get back in contact. It just drags the pain out sooo much longer.

Keep thinking that you could be like Katniss in a year (she was a big inspiration to me whan I started) if you stay NC and work on yourself.

It's not easy. it's really not. But neither is staying in the A. Obviously you know this since you want out.

It is often said here that the pain of ending is "pain with a purpose". The pain you feel while in the A is not.

Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2012
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 11:37am

Hi Rain.

Just so you know, you're kind of an inspiration for me. Even though the pain and the "I just can't live without her" feelings have diminished a lot, I'm still so tempted to contact her again. That part is still a huge struggle. Seeing how much it hurt you that your xAP broke NC helps to keep me from doing the same. In our case, friendship isn't an option. If we tried, sooner or later, probably sooner, we'd fall right back into the A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 8:23pm
Aw shucks, AB, that kind if made me tear up a bit. I am glad if I can inspire you to keep to NC. It did really set me back when xAP contacted me, practically begging to be my friend (as he had been for so many years). He was a perfect gentleman the whole and never ever tried to rekindle the A because he knew how much it had hurt me. But trying to be friends with someone who you have been so close to, especially when it is all mixed up with the pain and shame of an A, is just torturing yourself. I don't know what it was like for xAP, but it was torture for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2012
Fri, 02-10-2012 - 8:39am

Rain, you're awesome. I'm sorry you went through that pain, but your sharing it here has really helped me. In our ending, xAP was so respectful of me and my family as well as what was good for her. The least I can do is return the favor and respect what is best for all of us by not contacting her. It's hard to remember that sometimes, but your story is a good reminder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Fri, 02-10-2012 - 9:55am
Alpha, that sounds about as good an ending as anyone could hope for. Sadly for me, my xAP is a man, LOL, and therefore not very prone to expressing his feelings or admitting to being hurt. He really does wonder why we can't at least be friends and is hurt by that.
It upsets me that he seems like Mr Indestructible at times, like this whole thing didn't devastate him the way it did me. But when I think about it rationally I realize he just deals with it differently. I know he cares about me a lot.

So on the days that it is really bad I try to think about him out there in the world with a spot in his heart for me (as a friend like we were for so long).

He *is* my friend, I just can't *be* his friend if that makes any sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Fri, 02-10-2012 - 11:03am

Kat - I'm glad this worked for you and you feel so much better 1 year later.

Pages