Newbie and needing help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
Newbie and needing help
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 3:12pm

I'm new to this so bear with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 4:17pm

I am sorry you are going through this.. I know the wise and more-experience posters on this board will have encouraging things to say and know the questions to ask... they've already helped me tremendously...
But I am writing because I know how you feel about not wanting him to think you are crazy/lost your mind. That is exactly what I went through... I felt wretched after I literally begged and pleaded with my xAP to talk to me, see me, etc. When he would allow it and we'd talk or meet again, I felt like I 'redeemed' myself. I was even, calm, non-chalant almost. It was very rewarding when he said things like, "you know, I would wonder if you are ok and think you are not doing so well in this A, but then we meet like this and it all goes away because you just seem so put together and okay with everything." Like I revalidated myself and my image in his eyes as cool and and good to go... I was trying to keep up appearances to make him think it was okay to continue A.
But then, we'd break it off again, I'd freak out, get needy and beggy, and then regret it and tell him that I hope he doesn't think I am crazy or out of my mind! I wanted his approval so badly; and for him to NOT think I was nuts.
All the emails are all deleted now but I think his last reply to me ended with him saying that No - he does not think anything I have done or said is crazy but that he is most ashamed with his own behavior. That kind of made me feel better and I left it at that, in my mind. Whether he was just saying it to appease me, I will never know.
I am not sure where I am going with this other than I know how you feel... I tend to say give it some time and don't send that last apology note, and just let it be. Silence is dignified too and will show him you haven't lost your mind. I am okay now with where we left things, but, it has been many months. But I definitely regretted my apology notes and wish I hadn't tried so many times to prove my sanity to him. I think it only made me look worse...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 4:22pm
Oh honey, a lot of us go loopy at the end of an A!!! You are far from the only one and I am sure you were no worse than anyone else.
BUT, if you want to move on from this (and it sounds as torturous like most A's are at the end), then you need to start concentrating on YOU and not on what he thinks or feels.
Trust me, I know this is easier said than done.

There always "one more thing" we want to say to make things better or not look like a lunatic but you will not get closure from this painful episode in your life from making *him* think better of you.
You have to start feeling better about yourself, examining why you had the A and whar you can fix in your life to avoid this kind of pain again in the future.

He is not going to make you feel better.

We've all been there. Block him so he can't contact you. Start the journey towards loving yourself and eventually it won't matter what he *might* have thought of you.

Lots of strength and love to you
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 4:23pm
And what Miss said, we cross posted :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 4:24pm
Silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 4:26pm
((Time))... I am so sorry you are feeling so sad. Your in a tough period right now. 3 week N/C is s very good thing! It does not feel like it, but it IS the most dignified, and loud way to tell your xAP that you are not that needy woman you were at the end. If you did contact him how do you think it would go? Would you hear what you wanted? From a person who went N/C 5 times, let me tell you 100% that it gets more hurtful and painful each time. You were already feeling strange about this relationship and how he was treating you. Is that love? Do you treat someone you love that way? A's are so all consuming, it IS fantasy land. You will start to clear the fog in you head if you stay N/C. He has said he does not want to hear from you, and honey, that is the best gift he could give you. I know you feel rejected, and heartbroken. You have lost someone you talked to everyday and you are lonely. I have been there!! It is gut renching. But the short "feel good" you get in talking to him, or, being rejected by him if he won't talk to you, is just putting you at day 1 again. And what do you have to apologize for? You had an A, and your self worth took a hit, but you have NOTHING to apologize for!! Will he listen anyway? Would you feel dignified doing that? I am so glad you came here. We can get you through this. If they got me through this, they can get anyone through this. I was JUST like you at the end. My self worth had gotten so low I was willing to do anything to make him stay. You WILL feel better, it just takes time. Be kind to yourself, post here when you feel like having contact with him. I am sending my most tight hugs your way. I promise you it will get easier. Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 6:23pm

Thank you all for your responses and words of wisdom.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 7:04pm
Hi Time, and welcome to the board. :)

I love your name - it sounds like you picked the perfect name for yourself. It IS time for a change, right?

So there are things in your post that jumped out at me. And I know that you are already hurting - and I promise you that we can help with that, and that the last thing I would ever do is deliberately try to cause you pain in any way, so I don't intend for any of my words to be hurtful. All of us here look out for each other, and protect each other, and most importantly, help each other. We have all been where you are, or some version of it, and there is no judgment to be found here. Okay?

So here's the thing. I know that it is a huge struggle not to reach out and make contact. I know that every day, it probably feels a little worse, and a little more necessary, and that the urge likely feels almost overwhelming at this point, and that it is so hard not to give in to it.

But you've gone three weeks - and that is huge, sweetie. And you did that cold, on your own, without any support behind you, to help you along, and you did that without being able to talk through all of it. You did that - and that right there says that you are far stronger than you realize you are. You can do this - you have come this far already, and I promise you that it will get easier. It won't get easier overnight - and it won't be like a switch being thrown - but it will get better, I promise.

And there is this: The last time you talked - you said everything that could possibly be said about the situation. You already have your closure - you're just not feeling it yet. But I think that somewhere in your head, you know that already, and that is what has allowed you to get through the last few weeks.

You apologized, and he shut you down. There just...really isn't anything more to say, at this point. And I know - I KNOW how crazy-making that is. I know that your mind is racing, that you're trying madly to figure out just the right combination of words that will make everything okay again. I know that you are second-guessing yourself right now, going over every conversation that happened, thinking that you should have said this instead of that, or that if you had said or done this or that - everything would be different.

And I know that you are still holding on to the hope that you still WILL find that magical combination of words, that it will come to you, and that you can bring those words to him, and it will all be okay again.

But, there isn't a magic combination. There are no magic words. And even if there were - he has shown himself to be unwilling to listen to them. And that hurts - it just does. But, it isn't something that you need to blame yourself for - or beat yourself up about.

You're not crazy - you're just sitting in the middle of a huge emotional storm right now. But you will get through it. And for you, I think that NC will help with that enormously.

I know it's hard - but try to start looking at things objectively. Try to clear some of the fog away, and really see what it was, and what it wasn't. Ask yourself when things were *truly* good - and think about when the last time that was. And, think about how long that "good" lasted - and what it required you to do.

It sounds like...from here, at least...that things were good, as long as you behaved yourself, and didn't get too emotional, or too upset, or too sad, or too needy. As long as you didn't try to oh, have a conversation, or ask any questions, or express any thoughts - things were just fine. For HIM.

But, were they fine for you, honey? Because from what you say in your post - it...really doesn't sound like they were so fine for you. You kept trying to end things, you were upset, and sad, and you cried and you felt horrible about yourself. You weren't allowed to be upset or say things (or else, he would ignore you) - but he was allowed to say whatever he wanted, or so it seems.

Regardless of the fact that it was an affair - that is almost secondary to the fact that it was an unbalanced relationship, maybe from the start.

You were looking for a best friend, for support, for caring - and he was looking for "relief from his life", as he put it. And those...are two very different things, aren't they?

I know how awful you feel right now - and I don't say any of this to make you feel worse, I promise. You can get through this - and one of the ways to start is by trying to see things through a little clearer lens, rather than allow your mind to be clouded and confused.

You are not the person that you acted like for a while there, at the end. That is not who you are - and you do not have to let that define you. Underneath all of that, you are brave, and you are strong, and you have so much value. You just need to maybe dig a little bit, to find that person again.

And, all of us are here, standing by with shovels, to help you dig.

Big hugs,