Only a Mountain...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Only a Mountain...
4
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 11:37am

 A couple of months ago, my son was listening to a song....and the lyrics for the refrain were.."it's only a mountain..". That has stuck with me quite a bit lately. Everytime I feel overwhelmed..I find myself thinking "it's only a mountain..". Things are starting to feel better here..and what was once a mountain? Is starting to feel more like a hill..a bumpy hill maybe..but just a hill. I gave a speech at a spiritual conference this past weekend...and I talked of my A..and falling flat on my face..and the need to be vulnerable and accept help from others... But before the conference, like on my way to the conference..who do I see? You got it. It was insane.It was a totally different city than either of us live..but I stepped out of a store, just before conference..giggling with a friend..and there he was..on a bike with a woman on back. My ultimate fear. That I would see him with another woman. And you know what? It was okay. It stung a little..of course it did..but then I looked at his face. He looked so dang unhappy. I felt so thankful I was out..and sadness that he was still stuck in that same cycle. The same hand-to-mouth existence of looking for love. I gave my speech..and then the next day I returned to the prison for my volunteer stuff. And you know what? I laughed. It seems like less than a month ago, I had resolved myself to the fact that it would be a long time before I enjoyed spontaneous laughter again. But there it was. I found myself laughing long and hard... and often as I sat in  the prison watchiing..and sometimes trying to teach.. these guys hand jives (think pat-a-cake).and dance steps for an upcoming play. So...my son's song was right. It's only a mountain...and we are going to come through okay.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 1:02pm
It has been a long, long time since I had an A but I come to these boards because I understand how chaotic and crazy I was during my A. I was a mad woman and I am now so much healthier and I wouldn't dream of EVER having an A no matter what happens in my M. I wish the women had a wonderful counselor that I have had for years to help sort out what's going on with them and find out why they settle for an A relationship. Anyway, this post is so inspiring. Your words made my heart smile. Thanks for sharing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 3:30pm

Thank you for your post Breeze.  It was inspiring to me today.  I still cannot imagine getting past this mountain or through this.  It’s been almost two months since I sent the NC email.  So far, so good.  And our paths have not crossed.

Wow, is it really possible that I will never talk to him again?  The NC provides the space one needs to look at this for what it really was.  And I feel like I’m looking at a person who was indeed crazy while in the A!  Who WAS she anyway??

It is weird to me, and sad, and makes me mad and all those things in between, to think of being in that A.  It is HARD, but I know it’s all going in the right direction.

But it’s still so hard…and I just feel like a loser and I have to constantly talk to myself and remind myself of the good things about me.  And try to forgive myself.

I kept a post that I believe Kim posted a while back.  She cited ACCEPTANCE, NO MORE BLAMING, DIGGING DEEP and FORGIVENESS.  It was in august 2012.  And that is where I am at – accepting what it was, and what it is now.  Taking this all one day at a time….to get over this mountain….

~Sunrise

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 1:20pm

Ooooooh, Sunrise -

You know how I hate the "f" word?  Well, I feel the same way about the "L" word - and you just used it.  Somebody is in BIG TROUBLE!

:)

So, here's the thing.  RB is right.  It IS only a mountain.  And yes, maybe yours is higher, and maybe you started after some others and so have farther (further?) to climb - but so what?

You are climbing, Sunrise.  And that means that you are not that terrible "L" word.  Do you hear me?  :)

So in my travels, I came across this little fable/story/thingie, and I am sharing it with you, and with everyone.

A farmer is sitting on his porch, hanging out with his dog.  A friend walks up to the porch to say hello, and hears an awful yelping, squealing sound coming from the dog.  "What's the matter with Ol' Blue?" asks the friend.  "He's laying on a nail that's poking up from the floorboards" says the farmer.  "Well, why doesn't he just sit up and get off of it?" asks the friend.  The farmer replies, "It must not hurt enough yet."

And I say this to you Sunrise - and to everyone out there:

When it hurts enough - you sit up and get off the nail.

You did that, Sunrise.  All on your own.  You decided that it hurt enough - and you did something about that.  And that?  Is about as far away from the "L" word as you can be.

Love,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 12:37pm

Thank you dear Kim!

That really spoke to me today.  I love the story.

Yes, it hurt enough to do something about it.  And I realized that it was never going to change, it was all going nowhere.  It hurt to feel second, to not trust, to always wonder, to feel used.  It hurt to see him, talk to him.  Always left me feeling empty and unsatisfied.

Now, I have a different kind of hurt.  And it’s not so much about missing XAP.  Still wouldn’t want to have contact with him-for the reasons stated above.

This hurt is more like regret and sadness.  And just being so bummed that I did such a thing – to myself, my H and to XAP.  And really to all in my life.  I deceived them all.  My children, extended family, friends, co-workers, even strangers.

And it will take time, I know, for the nail hole to heal.  And not any nail hole left by XAP – the nail hole that was self-inflicted and hurt me to the core of who I am.

But, you are right.  Only a Loser would stay there, on that nail that was causing so much pain.

I moved on because I am not a Loser…

Thank you again Kim….

~Sunrise