Over or not, & what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
Over or not, & what to do.
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 4:33pm


My 1st post on this board, though I did post a few weeks back on the EAS board, but I feel my affair is not exactly over as such, so am here!

Brief info on my situation, am married with teenager from previous marriage, I had been having an affair for past 9 months with a colleague who I work with & had to travel with regularly. About a month ago we got partially found out by my husband who also contacted AP's wife. Although I wanted to be with AP I played down my feelings for him to my H to try to keep the situation under control. Anyway the outcome of this is one month on since D-Day my H is v keen to stay with me & get things back to how they were, we have been to MC, but although he is a decent & good man I feel that I have transferred my feelings to someone else and so feelings of affection/love/romance etc for my H have gone. My H travels a fair bit himself for work & I like it when he's away & don't miss him at all.

In the meantime AP's wife although angry for a day has apparently not mentioned anything since & just has been carrying on as normal, although in a bit of a bad mood.

I now feel in limbo, it's not one thing or another. When we were found out I told AP I wanted to leave & be with him, he'd always said he wanted this, but was concerned that for us to be together would mean destroying all the other parts of his life,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 5:05pm
Hi messedup. I'm sorry you are struggling. Many of us have been where you are. That being said, when you first posted on EAS you received thoughtful and honest replies. If you go back and read them, they seem applicable still.

It's not, btw, limbo - you are still in the A.

Best wishes in your decisions.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 5:36pm

Things haven't really changed.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Tue, 04-24-2012 - 9:03pm


RBM is right about the slow death. I remember reading in a book that once a D-day has happened, on average A's will be over within 9 months of being found out. It is sad that we keep holding on though because deep down we know the inevitable is coming. Once it has been found out, it is harder to hide, harder to lie when you are directly being asked if you are still seeing the AP, and harder to lie to ourselves that we are still in control.

I think the other reason we also face limbo is because we are still expecting the rules to stay the same once a D-day happens. I never held any illusions of having a RL relationship with my xap as neither of us ever made promises like that. We never discussed being together. I left my H because like you I didn't think I loved him anymore and could only focus on how I was feeling about xap. I came home two and a half months later and I am very lucky that I still had a marriage to come home to as even though I was just going through the motions, nearly a year later I look at my H and am filled with the most incredible love for him. I suspect the reality for your AP is he is now being pressured by two women. He wants both but the roots runs deep with only one and as much as it hurts, it isn't you. That is why he gives you half hearted answers and fobs you off. I am sure when he was fully in the A his feelings were different as he was in the fog as much as we all are but at the end of the day when reality lit up that fog and he was suddenly faced with losing it all, doubts about how he really feels has probably crept in.

Again we all know how hard it is letting go of our A's but for a moment just think, if there is the teeniest tiny hope that you could have an amazing marriage with the man who validates and loves you so much, that he is prepared to rebuild despite the unimaginable pain he would be feeling right now, and there is the teeniest tiny hope that you can love your H with all your heart again and not tear apart your family, wouldn't you rather be with the man who you have already built a life with then risk being with one, who may one day turn around and tell you that his feelings weren't what he thought they were. And as for the practical things being sorted out, talk with those who wished they hadn't blown their second chances with their H's. There is nothing practical when you are faced with the devastation on your kids face when their worlds fall apart. I am not saying you should stay in your marriage despite how you are feeling but making a decision on your marriage while you are still in contact and even within the first six months of ending, may result in a decision that you could come to regret. You have opened a love account with this other man and you have fed it daily while starving the love account you have with your H, it is only natural that you think your feelings have been transferred.

I hope you don't see anything I said as harsh. A year ago I felt exactly the same way as you are saying you feel regarding your H, I was living with a friend and was an ice queen towards my H. I deliberately kept him at bay and I never imagined I would feel the way I do now towards him again but it would not have happened if xap had remained in the picture.

If you do decide to end your affair, you will get a tonne of support on both this board and EAS. You won't have to do it alone.



The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 04-25-2012 - 9:54am


Not to hi jack this thread, but from reading your reply, why are you still in your M?

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 11:14pm
Welcome to the board, mess.

Though you should think about maybe changing your user name because that isn't really how you want people to address you, is it? :)

Limbo is hard. It just is.

But the answer to your question of how long you allow yourself to stay there is easy: As long as you allow it.

I've seen people stay there for years. Waiting to decide for themselves, waiting for the other person to decide, waiting, always waiting for something to happen, for someone else to choose, for someone else to decide...

You don't want that for yourself, do you sweetie? To just wait...for your life to happen to you, based on other people's choices and decisions?

If you're only staying in your marriage because you haven't had a better offer...then maybe that says something. Or, maybe it doesn't say anything. You won't know that for sure unless you take the time to figure that out, for yourself.

And trying to do that - figure out one relationship while involved in a second -- I've never seen that be a really successful strategy, frankly.