Please Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2013
Please Help
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 8:47am

HI everyone. I am hoping to get a little advice, or really just to vent a little. Here is my long story, sorry in advance.

I am a married mom of two young boys. I have been married six years, but have been with my husband for 11 years. In June of 2012 I had an affair with a co worker. This lasted about six weeks. We had sex a total of three times. It eneded when his girlfriend became suspicious after seeing text messages sent by me to him. We remained friendly and still talked very often, but never restarted our phsycial relationship.

Jump several months down the line to October 2012. My affair partners spouse became very suspicous again. She was relentless in trying to get to the truth. On DD she called me while my affair partner was on speaker phone while I was with my husband. We both acknowledged that physical stuff had happened but neither one of us admitted to the sex. That night as anyone can imagine was awful. I felt so horrible for hurting my husband the wasy I had. I was desperate to keep him. I admitted to the sex that night. He ofcourse was distraught. The next night we had another phone call, it was my affair partner calling to admit to the sex to my husband. I am sure his spouse was holding who knows what weapon to his head to do that. I think it was  small reflief to my husband that I had already come clean and that he did not get any new revelations.

We decided to give our relationship a year. I desperately want to be with my husband. We began counseling, which we really thougth was helping. It was helping us communicate better. We completed counseling and were feeling better. Although we never really thought our counselor got down to the reason for my affair. It was like my husband needed a reason why this happened. I didnt have a great one. The usual stuff, he worked a lot, I was craving attention, all of that. I didnt realize I was not feeling great about myself just yet.

Jump to January 2013. My affair partners spouse (whom I also work with, tricky, I know) sent me some emails trying to provoke me. She did this occasionally, trying to tell me that I should just leave my husband and she knows that her boyfriend and I still want eachother. Not true, but she did not beleive me when I said that to her. In all this time I have had no contact with my affair partner. If I saw him at work I would avoid him. If I called a building and he asnwered I would hang up. Complete avoidance. On this particular day that she and I went back and forth for a while about things. The next day I was in the mail room at worked and he walked in. Hindsight being as it is shows me now I did the wrong thing. He mentioned that he knew she had been trying argue with me. I told him that I told her that I wanted nothing to do with the affair or either one of them. He asked me if I was sure and I responded yes. Stupidy to reittorate my point I sent him an email later that day saying. Yes, that is what I want, its all I have thought about. That was all I wrote. He never responded. That night my husband was checking my emails like he always does, and saw that I sent that. I told him the story and he understadably did not beleive me. This opened up this wound all over again. I also showed him all of the other emails I had gotten from his spouse. I think that made it a little better.

So now we have been just trying to hold on. We go through moments where we are fine, and then moments where we are not. I have started counseling myself, and have really worked on the root of my always needing my next feel better fix. I am realizing my own actions better now. I still have no contact with my affair partner and his spouse and I have actually started to be able to work together like normal human beings now.

Here is where I need help. A while back my husband and I were arguing and he said he should just have an affair to even the score. I told him I didtn think it would make him feel better but do what you have to do. Not realy meaning yes please do this. He spoke of it a couple times, but I know him and really do not think he would be capapble of that. He has done some things which I feel like are just to hurt me or see my reaction. He once downloaded an app on his phone about affair finder. Then one day on his phone he had craigs list casual encounters up. I most times dont say anything, I really think he wants my reaction. Then last night he got angry about something silly. He mentioned that he can get laid at anytime so it didnt matter if we had sex. (We have sex almost on a daily basis) I asked him what he meant by that and he said, "you told me I could do that." He also said that I agreed that if he was to stay I had to remain faithful but he could sleep with whomever he wanted. I ofcourse never agreed to that. I know he has brougth the subject up, but honleslty I never thought he would do that. Now he is saying that is the deal. Really, I cannot live like that. Not even that I really think he is doing that, or even will, but the fact that he is using that just to hurt me. I didnt sleep a wink and when we got up this moring he acted like nothing was wrong. Kisses me, says I love you, and everything is normal.

I am terrified to be without him. We have two young sons that I want to protect. Has anyone had anything similar? Am I crazy for thinking he just wants to hurt me? I have no idea what to do . I dont want to have a huge blow out over this, and I want to be logical when speaking to him about it. I want to be with my husband, but I refuse to share him. My affair has been over for over a year with no contact.

Just any advice would be great. Thanks so much.

Avatar for purp2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2010
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 11:31am

That was a ridiculous thing for you to suggest that he even the score. It may have just hurt him to think you didn't care that he shared intimacy with someone else. It was bad enough when you shared yourself and opened your relationship up to strangers.

He probably does either want to hurt you, or for you to come to your senses and insist that no other outside people be brought into your messy relationship.

It's also not fair to the other woman he would have to hurt (cause most women get attached and are hurt when a guy just sleeps with them for revenge on another).

Why don't you just really open up to him and tell him you are not at all OK with him being with another woman. He may even prefer knowing you feel that way, rather than him feeling unvalued and cast aside to take care of his own needs.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 8:04pm

You could lurk, DON'T POST on the Betrayed Spouses Board.  May give you a bit of insight on your DH's perspective. 

He is hurt and angry.  Yes, we admit our faults, but we don't have to take on more than is ours to take.  Of course you don't want your DH to cheat on you.  Like the other poster said, maybe he needs to hear that.

This is why NC (no contact) with the AP is so, so important. 

Gotta' go, so good luck with everything.  I hope others have better advice.