Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 2:30pm

Hey babies,

So my little chipmunk brain has had a thought or two (or a thousand) running around in there.



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 3:04pm

Oh good grief! I am an emotional basket case today. No joke....and what am I most worried about this afternoon? That I will never hear from xAp again. It is quite embarassing, really.

I have struggled with lots of

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 5:07pm


It is perfectly normal to be sad that you may not talk to xap again - especially at this point in the journey.

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 5:36pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 6:04pm
Ok, my turn...confused. Oh so darn confused. I don't want to be part of this A anymore (ex A I don't know what it is) but neither do I entirely want to be out of it. I'm in complete limbo. Part of me wants to be A free so much, yet part of me is clinging on for dear life.

Why? I'm petrified that he's the one that brings me happiness (yeah rubbish I know) and without him my life will be miserable. Scared that I can't make that complete break that I need to and scared that he's going to suck me back into that downward spiral where I don't really want to be. Stupid huh?

Yes, I hesitated. Why? Because I feel like I'm letting everyone down. That i can't cut that final thread and be done with it due to fear of whether I will cope.

Kim, not rolling my eyes at you...but you probably are at me ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 6:52pm
How am I today...
Today is my wedding anniversary. Going out to dinner with H a little later and looking forward to it but as though I should be looking more forward to it. I have been wracking my brain all day trying to remember what we did on our anniversary last year. At that time, I was in 'limbo' with xAP. I hadn't seen him for a couple weeks and wouldn't see him for several more but I didn't know at the time what was happening or when and I was in pure hell. How on earth I went out and enjoyed my anniversary, I do not know. I probably did not enjoy it.

I am big on 'dates' and remembering 'this time a year ago' etc etc and today being a special day for me, and knowing that the last time we celebrated, I was so completely disconnected and in another world, has me grateful this year for what I do have. An H that loves me after everything and a true presence in my life.

This Q from Kim about how we are doing today came very shortly after I posted some of where I am right now with the whole xAP thing. Today I was upset that he is still on my mind way too much for how much time has passed. But I can say that I at least have myself back, and am worlds away from who I was when actually in an A.

I believe I am always going to have feelings for him. He is just that one person that will be in my heart, I can't help it, and I can't deny it. I will be in big trouble if I ever run into him or hear from him again (but I won't).

I am not rolling eyes at you - kind of at myself! But these thought-provoking questions are great. Sorting it all out 'on paper' has been a huge relief for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 7:37pm
Like Lulu, I struggle (every day) with feeling like I am good enough.

I wasn't, and still am not, good enough for my mother. Who is wholly convinced of her vast superiority to anyone else on the planet.

I am not good enough for my boss. That is mainly because he does not like women and a little bit because I care about my clients and I don't overcharge them by selling them cr*p they don't need.

I am not good enough for my colleagues. Again, I am one of very few women and we are left out of anything even quasi-social and even business building stuff.

I worry that some day my clients are going to come to the conclusion that I don't really know what I am doing.

I was not good enough to be one of the "cool kids" in school. No reason for that. I am just not cool. Never have been.

I was not good enough for xAP because how otherwise could he treat his very-good-friend like a blow up doll. How could he ruin a decade plus long friendship for 3 BJs????

I desperately want to erase the above since I fear it just makes me sound like a whiny baby.

But I'm not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 8:32pm
I feel 'OK' today. Not sobbing sad, not happy, I miss and want to em xap about 'stuff'. I have been busy, and productive, though. H is driving me nuts, so it makes my heart ache for xap. - sigh - just ok.

(Rain .... your post made me sad : (
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 8:47pm
Oh Rainy....I totally understand. :(. Today I want to cancel my appointment with my T tomorrow. We only made it to age 25 last week and I was so embarrassed at what had happened just to that point in my life. Now we have the rest tomorrow which will include the A. I am such a disappointment. To myself, to my H, to my Dad ( he actually told me he was glad my mom had died before this came out). I feel like I m on here all the time saying how much work this is working on myself and how painful it is. It has sunk in that I will never see or talk to xAP again, and I don't even know what to do with that right now, this other work is all consuming. I know, I said that already. Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2012
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 9:17pm
Today is a little better than yesterday but the emotions are so close to the surface that it is a struggle to maintain control. I miss my xap. I've been trying to not dwell on memories or thoughts but its hard. Once in church when talking about controlling our thoughts and sin someone made the comment that "A bird may poop on your head but its your fault if you let it nest there." So I know the thoughts of him will pop in my mind but I can't dwell on them - even though I want to. I want to remember what it was like to lay next to him, staring into his eyes. I want to remember how it felt to have him hold me.

The problem is my H is very intuitive and he always reacts when I get maudlin like this - I try so hard to hide it from him and he doesn't know I'm thinking about xap but I am sure he suspects. Whenever I have an "episode" he gets all moody and shuts down. He isn't big on communication. If I ask him what is wrong I get a string of answers (he truly has a lot of stress going on in other areas of life right now too) and then I add, "and me" and I get "yeah, a little bit". So I know he is picking up on it even if he isn't aware of why or saying anything to me.

Sigh. I wish more than anything I could go back in time and never fall in love with my xap, never allow the affair to happen.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 9:49pm


You guys.

Do you have ANY idea how much you amaze me, every day?