So...

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
So...
17
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 4:50pm

Now that the holidays are done, and it's a shiny new year -

How is everyone doing?

I know, I know.  Issues, problems, technical difficulties - yes, all of those things are still with us in this shiny new year and are having an impact on our posting.  I get it.  I do.

But, post anyway.  Even if it IS more diffcult, and super frustrating and all of that.  Because, you know, I miss you.  :)

And OMG if I could figure out how the hell to post pictures, you guys would be getting SO kitty-pictured right now.

I know - I am like, a lame duck CL right now.  Still in office but with no real power, and only empty threats of kitty pictures.  Sigh.

So let's talk, or something.  Does anyone have anything that they would like to share?  News?  Updates?  Progress?  Stumbles?  Good things?  Bad things?  Anything?  AT ALL?

Does anyone have any questions?  Need help or support with anything?

Do we have any lurkers out there who want to celebrate the new year by de-lurking and saying hello?

Um...what's for dinner tonight?  Did you have a nice holiday (whatever you celebrate)?  Do you like cats?

:)

xoxoxo

Kim

    

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
In reply to: justkim2007
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 5:36pm

I like cats but I'm allergic to them.  I love pictures of cats, it's a good of way appreciating them without the side effects.

So, "Bad Things".....  I found out that past people (exes) can still message me on FB eventhough they aren't my friend.  How is that possible???  Even old BF's from high school sent me a "Hello how are you?" message.  Some took me a while to figure out when and where did I know this person....  I don't know if FB had changed in how they managed our privacy and how private we can set up our accounts because I thought mine was airtight and this is the first year that I've had these many "fishers".....

Other than that, I'm good.  Still kicking and stirring some sh!t......hehe!

Hope your New Year is starting out well and wishing you and yours wealth, health and happiness through out the year.

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Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
In reply to: justkim2007
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 2:40am

Hi Kim! It's great to hear from you and I've missed you too .... Happy New Year! I had  a lovely holiday, Christmas and New Year, did a bit of socialising and lots of relaxing at home, nice and chilled out, it was great. Unfortunately it's back to work today though, very depressing, soooo boring but a means to an end so must be done.

It's such a bummer about those kitty pictures Kim, I don't mind cats, I'm a dog lover, but I do find your kitty pictures hilarious and I would love to see some moreLaughingI can just imagine non-kitty lovers cringing with horror at them!!

I'm still doing good, though I did find the holiday time a bit strange. I did think about xAP more than I had been doing, not in a missing him way, still in the distant, vacant way like he's a ghost like stranger to me. I am still really strong and really over him and my A but I did have a slight urge to contact him on Christmas day which is also his birthday. It was an urge to reach out to him and say hello. Not because I wanted him, or wanted to resume a relationship (or at least I don't think it was) but the urge was just there. It was a very minor urge and of course I didn't act on it, I just found it so strange that I would get that urge, even though I want nothing more to do with him, not now not ever. I stopped myself by reminding myself that I know how he is .... great, still living happily ever with his wife, still having a fantastic life. And I reminded myself what he would say to me ... same old same old, misses me loves me, don't want to hear that garbage, know it's not true, totally pointless.

Anyway, I survived it and it didn't get me down, it was just a bit odd and confusing.

Oh and for dinner tonight  I am going to make a Chinese curry ... yum yumTongue Out

Much love Soglad x o x

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2011
In reply to: justkim2007
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 12:25pm
Lurker - Busted - Hello
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
In reply to: justkim2007
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 1:25pm

I've been doing okay. O.K.

Holidays were hard. I would be lying if I said it wasn't. I took a few days off of work to just hole up..retreat from the world..and regroup. I seem to be doing that a lot lately..but I think..this time? I'm done. I just needed some time to hibernate..so to speak. And I have been thinking about the kids. The kids who are the most innocent victims in all of this.

The other day I was taking our 2 1/2 year old to visit his real mom (my sister..we are raising him)..He cried..clung to me..saying.."no..no..I want to stay with you." And I knew this was not a reflection of my sister. It was partially..a reaction to having a routine disrupted..and it was partially (or largely) due to the fact..that I have just recently been there for him again. I have been physically or emotionally absent most of his life..and it is starting to show in his clinginess.  

I then looked at my 18 ds..who I have pretty much left to his own devices to figure out what to do after highschool. All the other kids? I drove them to various college campuses, etc. But this child/ nope..he says.."don't worry mom..i got it. " and I leave him alone.  

I realize that all my older children have started talking to me in 5 minute sound bites..because apparently? I have been too self-absorbed these past couple of years to give them more attention than in 5 minute sound bites.

It wasn't always like this. I used to spend..hours..days..weeks..with them...fully engaged in their lives. Then? I just left them during A..and still now..as I struggle with healing.

Which leaves me to where I am now. Tired of the healing process. Feel like I have indulged myself long enough in digging deep, crying..grieiving..spending countless hours on these boards, reading books, talking to support groups etc..and now..I just need to stop. I need to trust myself. Trust the universe at large..and just. move. on.

So I am seriously considering taking a hiatus from these boards...I feel like I need to spend time with my family. Time I spend here...these boards have been a godsend for me..but sometimes..I wonder if I stay here as a crutch..as a default activity that keeps me from really engaging in the people around me. On hugging and holding the two year old who says.."but I want to stay with you."..or in driving my 18 ds to visit a culinary institute..even if he tells me he has it covered. 

So that is where I am at. Feeling like it's time to really let go and move on..to reengage with my family in a way I haven't in a few years.

And dinner? Irish stew.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: justkim2007
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 2:59pm

Hiya Glo -

I am sorry that you are allergic to cats, and cannot enjoy their awesomeness in person.  In my mind, that is just unthinkable!  :)

So I remember reading that FB did change some things about the privacy settings recently - to make it easier on people to adjust them.  And of course, as anyone who uses FB knows by now, when they try to make things easier - it usually ends up messing something up.  But, supposedly you can fix it so that you get back to being airtight and private, so I hope it works for you.

Also, when you are tinkering and fixing things, you should totally find me and be my friend.  Because, you know, I loooooooooooove you and stuff.

;)

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: justkim2007
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 3:52pm

Thanks for saying hello, burg.

:)

Hope you're getting around the boards okay -

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: justkim2007
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 4:01pm

So Glad my love!

Have I told you lately how much I love your username?  I really do.  Just seeing it makes me feel SO GLAD!  It's just so positive and I smile, every time.  :)

I am very glad that you were able to get through your minor urge to contact xAP.  I am sure that with the holidays, and knowing it was his birthday, and wasn't this one of your "firsts", as well?  Trigger, trigger, trigger - but look at you!  They happened, you had an urge, but you didn't give in to it and you made it through!  Woo hoo!  :)

The holidays really can bring up a lot of "stuff" sometimes.  So I am very glad to hear that you got through it, and out the other side.

I...am intrigued by this "chinese curry" that you made for dinner.  It sounds interesting, but confusing, all at the same time.  Is it chinese food?  Is it indian food?  How do those two things go together?

Please explain.  :)

xoxoxo

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: justkim2007
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 4:49pm

Hiya RB -

I am glad that you were able to take a little time to hibernate.  Sometimes we just need to give ourselves permission to have a time out.  :)

So, I'm thinking about your post here.  And the idea that you might take a time out from the boards.  And I am torn between saying "do what you need to do" and begging you to stay.  LOL

I get it, I do.  I would bet that most of our posters have felt that way at one point or another, and that a lot of people have quietly dropped off for a while, to take some time away.  I don't think that's a bad thing - I think that it's important to do whatever you feel is the right thing for you.  For some that means using the boards for a time, and then stepping back and away from them.  For me, being here still feels right to me, I still feel as though I am coming down on the side of "good for me to be here" and "okay to be here".  For you, that may not still be true - and that's OKAY.  :)

Just...maybe think about it.  And I feel like maybe with some of the things you said in your post...maybe you could be projecting a little bit.  (Trying to be delicate and diplomatic here - not my strong suits!)

For instance:  If your 18 year old says "don't worry mom - I've got this" - then...maybe he means just that.  Yes, maybe you did more with your other kids at this point in their life - but as we know, all kids are different people, and maybe this one doesn't need you to do those things.  And maybe...that doesn't have anything at all to do with your affair.  You know?

The 5 minute sound bites - again, same deal.  It could be that it's just the age that some of the kids are at.  What with all of the new-fangled technology out there these days - it has sort of become a 5 minute sound bite sort of world, KWIM?  It isn't necessarily any reflection on YOU or your actions, I mean.

I'm not there, and I can't know anything in your life for certain - only you can know that.  Just...I always worry when I see people talk about the shame piece of things, and relating everything back to that.  Yes, maybe things with your kids are different than they were - but that doesn't automatically mean that the affair is the cause of that.  It could be - but it may not be.  So just...maybe keep an open mind on that one, is all I'm saying.

(NO business butting in - but yet, I do!)

You're a grown up, and can work it out for yourself.  I trust you to know what is the right thing for you.  And, I hope that you are starting to trust yourself, too.

Love,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 5:07pm

Just...maybe think about it.  And I feel like maybe with some of the things you said in your post...maybe you could be projecting a little bit.  (Trying to be delicate and diplomatic here - not my strong suits!)

For instance:  If your 18 year old says "don't worry mom - I've got this" - then...maybe he means just that.  Yes, maybe you did more with your other kids at this point in their life - but as we know, all kids are different people, and maybe this one doesn't need you to do those things.  And maybe...that doesn't have anything at all to do with your affair.  You know?

The 5 minute sound bites - again, same deal.  It could be that it's just the age that some of the kids are at.  What with all of the new-fangled technology out there these days - it has sort of become a 5 minute sound bite sort of world, KWIM?  It isn't necessarily any reflection on YOU or your actions, I mean.

Hah! Kim..you always bring a smile to my face. Are you (ahem) implying it's NOT about me!!!!

You are right. I think I know this on some level. I think I just really need to find some  balance. Not sure what that looks like  yet.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 2:49am

Hi Kim! Yes it is great to feel Soglad, and I really do. Like I have said before ending my A and beginning my journey of healing and self-improvement has been a rebirth for me and has enriched me, and coming here and sharing my thoughts and feelings, and receiving the support and kind words of your lovely self and others has been amazing, so thank you all.

It was slightly un-nerving to have that urge to contact xAP, but the key thing is to think it all through ... what is this really all about? What would it acheive? Where am I going with this thought? And the answers I came up with were that it's just the time of year, like you said Kim, a trigger, my first Christmas since I ended the A, and at this time of year we reach out to people we know and say hello, and that's where the urge came from. But I didn't want to get back into communicating with xAP, I didn't want to hear from him, he is out of my life .... thankfully. It's important to put it all into perspective ... I had a slight urge, but really it wasn't that big a deal, I'm not a failure for having that urge, it's OK to feel things and think about things, what matters is that I knew all along that I wasn't going to do it, and I didn't want to do it, so I didn't do it. And the urge passed .... really very quickly, and I feel strong, and contented, and good about myself.

So, my Chinese curry, it was indeed yum. It is Chinese food Kim, but it's very like Indian curry, the difference is that you add Chinese 5 spices and soy sauce to give it that Chinese kick .... delishKiss

Its wonderful to have the boards more active again, and thank you Kim, Clarity, Breeze and everyone else for sticking with it and keeping things going.

Much love to you all, Soglad x o x o x

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