So back to day 1...now i'm serious

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
So back to day 1...now i'm serious
14
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 3:16pm
Before I say the F word that Kim doesn't like, let's just say I had a little blip.

I blocked, never thought I could but I did. Last night I get 15, yes 15 missed calls from a number I didn't recognise. I didn't answer, I don't tend to if it's a number I don't know. Then I got a voicemessage. Speak to me or you lose me forever (drama!). So I phoned back he just said meet me and gave me a time and place. So I did. Don't know why, I was scared what he was going to do.

Well it gave me some closure, if you can have any. He told me what he'd struggled with, he told me how he felt, why he did and said the things he said, how he has issues from his childhood that make him so insecure he never believes anyone would love him.

So we both agreed that we're not good for each other never were and never will be. We have both agreed to no contact.

Give me a damn good telling off!!

On a brighter note, although we've still had some contact, physically I have been out of this now for 3 weeks. I can start to see slight improvements at home already but I'm really trying.

So that's that. The slate is clean and I start again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 3:47pm

I wished you had asked for a 'damn good telling off' BEFORE you met with him ;)


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 3:54pm
Thanks Clarity. You even made me laugh out loud with some of those responses. Yeah, I know what I should of done, I think i felt better when he was threatening to punch me, at least I had resolve and strength then.
I promise i'll come here first in future. I'm not letting you lot down, nor my H or my daughter..and certainly not myself.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 4:27pm
Oh...but I don't do tough love or good telling offs. I only yell about things like that terrible "f" word.

Which, by the way - you did not use, look at that! That is awesome, Titchy - because while I know maybe my insistence that we not use that word seems silly - I really do have a super serious reason for that.

Negative words, negative thoughts end up setting off negative self-talk. "I failed" translates into "I am a failure" - and on from there. But if we say instead "I stumbled" or "I slipped" or similar - that implies that it was a momentary thing, that we are still ON the right path - we just got our feet tangled up for a minute, but we are still committed to being on the path. "I failed" - well, that gives the sense that the next move is to just hop off the path altogether, because what's the point?

(TANGENT. I KNOW.)

I can't tell you off, sweet pea. No one can, really. I mean - this is your life to live, after all. So you did this thing, and it gave you some measure of closure - and now you move forward. And when the next time comes, the next text, or next call - you'll have to decide then how you want to handle that one. I would like it if we could give our input, of course. I would rather have you take a little more time before you act - and maybe give yourself the chance to talk it out a little bit. But I'm not going to yell at you if you don't do that. And I won't be disappointed in you.

That's not mine to do or to not do, be disappointed in you, I mean. I'd much prefer to see you and everyone get to the point where...it isn't about anyone else being disappointed - but much more about you and how you feel about yourself. You know?

I want you to be happy, Titchy. At peace. I want you to feel good about yourself, to be completely okay with who you are, and to accept all of the pieces of yourself, the good and the bad. I want all of those things for you - for each of you - it is my biggest hope and my biggest wish, for everyone here.

So, Titchy. Tell me - how do you feel? :)

No really. I'm not worried about what you think you're supposed to say or feel - I want to know how you really feel about last night, about seeing him, about how you felt afterwards, about how you feel today. Good and bad - throw it all out there.

Okay? :)

Big hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 6:19pm
Titchy - as the recipient of an ending decision, NC decision, I will tell you that sure, I wanted to badger him, question him, call him, MAKE him talk, etc. Much like your xap felt. The panic, anxiety of being rejected, pushed aside, realizing Game Over. I didn't do any of it. I am not special, strong, etc, but I respect my xap, his wishes and his basic right as a grown adult to not speak to whomever he chooses to. That would be me. Please don't be flattered by the 15 calls, his intensity, panic ... it is disrespectful, rude and in no way means he loves you THAT much. I hope he goes on to respect NC, and you mean business.

Meeting someone that you associate the word 'scared' with is very, very risky. Many a woman had that as a last thought.

Gypsy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 7:27am
Okay Kim, here goes...

I feel a slight sense of relief. I could never see a way out of this. We were going to have D day, that was inevitable. I used to go to his house once a week, his W already knew we were 'friends' and my H was suspicious, although never said as much.
Relief also that maybe, just maybe I can stop obsessing about him and be back to being a good W and mom.

But...I feel so scared. Not of him anymore, just the way I feel. Scared that I'm not going to be able to let him go, that at times i won't be strong enough. Scared that this is my life now, that i'll never feel like I did with him, i'll never have that passionate spark again.

Plus sad, that I've lost a friend. I know he wasn't really a friend, I know that. Yet I could speak to him about anything, be myself and he 'got' me.

So yeah, pretty mixed emotions. I know it's for the best, just can't seem to get my head to accept that.

Thanks Gypsy, I know fishing's not flattery. It gave us that temporary feel good...that's all.

Sorry, having a down day. Not helped by the fact I have to see him at work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 8:59am

Titchy, part of the point of NC is to save you from yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 9:22am
Titchy - post later. Let us know how you are. NC=no new hurts.

Gypsy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 12:22pm
That's my mantra at the moment, I sound like a stuck record NC-no new hurts!

I envy everyone who doesn't run the risk of bumping into X-AP. It's so hard seeing him everyday, looking sad, but that's not my problem. Right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 1:26pm

You are so smart!


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 7:33am
Titchy wrote: (Plus sad, that I've lost a friend. I know he wasn't really a friend, I know that. Yet I could speak to him about anything, be myself and he 'got' me.)
Someone responded to my questions on this at one point. They opened my eyes to the fact, that I chose to let XAP get me, I chose to be open with him, I chose, I chose, I chose, it was all me, I was ready for to let someone in, I just happened to choose the wrong person. Since then I have come to realize that was absolutely true and that this was indeed a part of the lesson I learned from my affair. I now know I can choose again with better understanding and clarity of myself, my vulnerabilities and my boundaries.
~Sunny~

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