So close to breaking n.c.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
So close to breaking n.c.
9
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 12:59am

tonight.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 7:45am
Hi RB,
I've been following your posts because I see so much of my own struggle in them. The triggers are so difficult to walk through, and I hate the fact that everywhere I turn there are reminders. The motorcycle thing hit me yesterday, it was so beautiful out, and everyone was out riding (XAP has one) and everytime I say a "couple" riding together I thought of him and his wife, we live in the same town, but in the 2 years that we've known one another, have only bumped into each other twice thankfully! But the pain of thinking that he's moved on truly hurts. It's what I want of course, I DO want him to be happy, and I want to be happy in my life as well, it's just HARD to get past the fact that it's really and truly over. Some days I do miss him, terribly, and at those time I find that I think of the what if's, the why not's!! I hate that I'm still stuck there, I'm much farther behind you in NC, 9 days today, and I know from reading that only time can heal, I just wish there was a fast forward button, or an erase button to talke the thoughts and the jonesing away!!! But, to get myself through those time, I remember the pain of the past break-ups, I remember the pain of being in the A, the wanting, yet the knowing how wrong, how much of a dead end it all really was, and I don't want to go back, I don't want to start the cycle over, I NEVER want to have to go through all of that again.
For the most part, my head is clearer, and I find that I am actually looking at my H, really looking at him, and realizing that he is a wonderful person, a great father, a great person, and I believe that we can work on "us". Monday we start MC together (ive been in IC for a few weeks), and just the fact that he's willing to go, to work on "us" because he loves us and our family....that's where I try to put my energy and my focus when the tough times hit....
SO glad that you had that together time with your husband, and you were there, in the moment with him. There can be many, many more moments like that for you and your H, so maybe if we create more memories like that, more family joy and togetherness, THOSE thoughts will become our main focus, where it belongs in the first place :)
Keep on keeping on.....you're doing wonderful, and I see so much growth in you. It's inspiring to a newbie like me!

I'm doing this for me because it's the "right" thing to do.... NC since 1/14/14

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 9:17am
i am familiar with that jonesing! we ended last May and i still get struck by it! it dwindled down to once per month that i was giving in and making contact and the very last time was in Feb. i just want 3 months of nothing under my belt!
good.for you that you stopped yourself! you know how good it feels to Not send that text! white knuckle through those moments and yes they do lessen and the urges subside, it is like breaking any habit and can be triggered at any time But you are already way ahead of it because you stopped yourself!
what a fun date night with H!! bk is right, the good stuff with H will start replacing old memories and.start becoming the norm again. It.can happen. no FF button but making the right.choices like you did prevents a rewind. you have the power to move forward, even if it is not fast forward, you can move in that direction with the choices.you make and deactivate the rewind button!!
Avatar for ratherbeme
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Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 11:16am

BK's line hit me.

<>

YES!

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 11:56am
RB, so pleased you managed to resist the urge and ended up enjoying time with your H. I'm learning that when that urge hits (which it did frequently yesterday) to just let it pass...and you're right it does. I already feel better today, been out didn't think of him...even forgot to check my phone every 2 minutes. Huge for me. Then i get a couple of fishing attempts, I felt sick. Turned my phone off, thought about it and realised I have nothing to say.
So proud of you, you've come so far, look at the progress you've made!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 1:08pm
Breeze!! So proud of you! You would have been crushed not to make 3 weeks! See how much strength you have? I bet your H is do happy, even if he really didn't know. I am 3 months out, N/C was not my choice, but he has tried to break it himself. And you know what? RB is right, its about me, because all that will happen is I will get hurt. I actually have been on his town, 2 hours from mine, at DD dance competition and I see his big companies building that he owns, and I have done pretty good!! I am focused on DD, knowing ill never get this moment with her again. I does get better! For me not because of time, but because of the hard work I am doing in T. I struggled for a year before trying to end, never making progress until I realized the work was within me.
I am so proud of you breeze! 3 weeks is righte around the corner!!
Daisy
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Registered: 02-01-2011
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 1:10pm
I can not master this smart phone. Sorry for all the typos! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2009
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 1:23pm

"I thought..thank God I have not hurt this man..or myself..again."

This is what stands out to me Breeze.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Sun, 04-22-2012 - 9:36pm

Thanks for all the feedback. I wrote a long drawn-out post...and then it just deleted.

So..it's been another high-trigger day. We had an event at the prison where I volunteer that happens twice a year. I had just added PA to EA the last time this unit had this event. AND I met the guard (one of the clinchers in going n.c.) that xAP was seeing near the end of our time together. I have no idea if they are still seeing eachother or not. Sort-of suspect they are. She seems nice. It was tough.

BUt..on the upside..I had a three hour lunch date with a close friend. We were discussing marital stuff and I spilled the beans and told her the whole A saga! My friend knows us both. She was laughing at me! It was so nice and refreshing.

AND when I met the guard? My friend was standing next to me almost more horrified than I was. We got in the car to leave and all she could say was "Holy Shxx! I thought I was screwing up."

Aren't friends great?

That said. I did not text xAP today. And other than guard and concern about triggers? I'm really glad I didn't back out today. The guys on the inside had lots of good conversation on picking yourself up..over and over and over again. And on the importance of grace to yourself and others. Good stuff.

Tonight. MY 17 d.s. and I are having a Numbers t.v. series marathon. Tomorrow? 3 weeks!

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 5:50am
Breeze, seems we both had really bad trigger days yesterday, and we both came out of it unscathed :)
3 weeks for you today? Way to go! I know its still not over, the hard work, the emotions, but you've come this far and that's wonderful! No turning back...just keep thinking that you NEVER want to go through that 3 weeks of hell again, and brighter days are waiting for you!

I'm doing this for me because it's the "right" thing to do.... NC since 1/14/14