Some deep thoughts

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Some deep thoughts
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 5:05pm

Hey babies,

So there are some thoughts that are bouncing around in my brain today (and have been for a bit, now) and I have found that for me - when that happens - it is much better for me to get them out there.



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2011
In reply to: justkim2007
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 5:34pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 6:28pm
LOL, Kim, you crack me up.

A few close girlfriends know that xAP and I got "overly attached" and wouldn't be friends any more. That is far as I could go.

About a year ago, when I was still in the A, I did go to 5 therapy sessions, through my EAP since I didn't want to go through H's insurance.
I did tell him everything.
He basically told me I had to find a way to stop or figure out how to stop feeling guilty about it (WTH???). He also felt it important 3 times in 5 sessions that I am a very attractive woman. In his defence, I had joked that one of the upsides of breaking up with AP was that I'd be forever this age in his mind and wouldn't get any older looking. I am 44 so aging is on my mind. So he said something about hiw I woukd likely always be attractive. Um, thanks but eeeeeeewwwww!

The only person who knows everything-everything is my cyber BFF her from EAS.
I don't know what I would do with out her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 6:47pm
A "good" friend of mine knew about it while it was going on. She was my biggest encourager and as I can see now, was the worst influence. She was also telling other frends about it the whole time and betraying me...And now I am no longer friends with her or the other 3 giris involved....they were terribly unsupportive, thought i was a slut and a terrible wife. i told my mom, one sister, and three of my Real friends (in another city sadly) and they were wonderful support. My H knew and has been surprisingly ok with it (forgot about it fast) and of.course a couple of therapists too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 6:49pm H does not know everything. Not all the physical details (he thinks less happened), nor where/how often we met nor the emotional effect it has had on me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2012
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 7:43pm

I'm not feeling like 2lost fits any more, so I'm back with a new name that doesn't really mean anything at all.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 8:17pm

Okay, so I figured out part of the problem, I think.

It isn't so much that the thoughts are deep, as they are just...BIG.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2012
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 12:08am

Thanks Kim, for the big question, and for the permission to ramble, and for noticing the parallels that have been lurking beneath the surface for me.

I think the levels of honesty matter. Telling one person or a few people is really helpful and really different from telling nobody, and telling your H, wow, that’s huge, I guess maybe it was not so much your choice, but coming totally clean, that’s a big thing. But I do think it’s also very different from telling everybody. I’m not at all suggesting that anybody should post the details of their affair on facebook, but I think when we keep secrets, we pay a price. Duh, OK, that's obvious, but I'm just agreeing with you, there are a lot fewer chains once your spouse knows, but if it’s still partially a secret, it’s still a chain.

For me, keeping this from my W, and from my friends and family means that the situation, the lies, all of the horrible things I did have this tremendous power over me. They’re hovering out there, always some chance my W or my co-worker, or somebody could stumble across one of these messages and think, hey that sounds a lot like …,

So the parallel, back when I was coming to terms with the fact that I was attracted to women, I told one friend. And I didn’t tell anyone else for a year. And then I thought about telling a few more friends, which was terrifying because what if they told somebody else? So I decided that either I told one friend only, or I told the whole world. I don’t mean I wore a sign or anything, and I’m not advocating a big scarlet A or a link to anybody’s real Facebook page in the current circumstance, but back then, I told the people who mattered, and I had to just get to the point of not caring whether any one else knew or what they thought about it. The big secret was out of my control, but it was also off my worry list. And it took a long time to get there, but I did, mostly, and it was so totally worth it. Really liberating. The truth shall set you free. I hardly believe anything, but I totally believe that. Lies are big ugly chains.

If my W doesn’t know, there’s always some chance that she could find out, and that scares me, and it makes the A kind of a permanent presence in my life. It gives the A a lot of power over me. The fact that it could rear its ugly head sometime in the future is part of why I can’t let go of the A and can’t let go of xAP. I think I can’t fully come to terms with it if my main concern is hiding it. Just realizing that has helped me a lot, at least for today, which is good enough for me.

And here’s another thought because I’m trying to make my post longer than Kim’s. I swore to myself that there were certain things I would never lie about. Top of the list was not lying not about who I love. And then I went and put myself in the position of loving 2 people at the same time. And all these ideals that I were supposed to be my guiding principles are totally not helping me here. Because now lying about having fallen in love with xAP seems like the right thing to do. This A, and all the lies around it, I’m stuck with them, because less harm is done by keeping secrets then telling the truth. And I KNEW that already. Before this A, I KNEW how destructive lies like this are. I didn’t need to learn that lesson again. Except obviously

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2011
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 2:11pm
Ha ha, Kim - I know the fuzzled brain feeling! Been there many times, good o n you for getting ti all out though. Ok, here goes, hope this helps your thought process and I think it will mine too...

Who have you told in real life about your affair? My sister, a few of my closest friends (mostly female, one one male)

Why did you tell them? The first couple of people I told knew that there were feelings for XAP and we had spent many a days debating and analysing his feelings for me and behaviours toward me so when it happened, I shared. Mainly because I couldn't believe it was really happening and I wanted to make sure it was a reality.

Why did you pick them to tell? Because they are my closest friends and family and trusted and needed their opinions and advice at a time when I was feeling extremely overwhelmed and confused.

And, what has been the result of the telling? Positive - they have been my rocks throughout the A and the ending of it.

The first day of the rest of my life: 25/10/2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 2:24pm

Oh no! I bought in thinking I was going to see some old SNL clips of Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy!

Being a fellow ADDer, the only way you can keep my interest is if you keep me off guard the whole time and go all over the place. Well done!

Who have you told in real life about your affair?

When the D-day bomb blew, my kids were in earshot and hear everything. H went directly to our Pastor to talk.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 3:04pm
Hi Kim.
Those are deep thoughts and things I think we all ponder. My opinion is that being authentic and telling everyone your deep dark secrets are not the same thing. Yes, you had an affair. It has had an impact on shaping you into the thoughtful compassionate person you are. However it doesn't define you and it isn't you anymore. The Kim of today is not an adulteress. She is a devoted wife, mother, friend, etc.

Let's change the scenario. Imagine someone was abused as a child. That person joined support groups with others that had been abused, worked thru it and moved on to live a happy healthy life. Would you feel that this person was not being authentic for not announcing to her boss and her next door neighbor that she had been abused? You would expect her to tell her spouse but not the whole world. It is not her life anymore. It doesn't define her.

Now, let's go to alphabet's post and talk about something like sexual orientation. If you were going around pretending to be straight while secretly having relationships with women, not so authentic because it IS a part of your everyday life. But even then, does that mean you have to go into work and say, "I just want everyone to know I'm gay." You could do that if you wanted I guess but if you just lived your life honestly and let people figure it out or not, I don't think that is inauthentic.

For me it is all about being as open and honest about your thoughts, feelings, and actions in the present moment as you can and disclosing what makes sense but not feeling a moral imperative for full disclosure in every situation. Yes, there is a big part of your life that your FB friends don't know about. If they did know would that help them better see the authentic you or would it skew their vision with judgements that actually hindered them from seeing who you really are? Would it help you feel more honest or would it make you feel more on the defensive? Would being "truthful" make you feel more or less faithful to you commitment to your husband and honoring you experiences and relationship with him? If you put all of that out there would it be a good thing or a bad thing for your M. Only you can answer those questions. So waddaya think?

Hugs to you Kimmy.