Stepping over the hole

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Stepping over the hole
14
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 8:03am
..................... "I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. I think, “oh, ha ha, no, no, I’m not falling for that again!”. I fall down the hole. I start climbing out. I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. I try not to, but I fall in the hole again. I get back out straight away. I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. My foot slides and I fall in the hole again, but I do not hit the bottom. I cling on to the side and get out of the hole." .................................. -from The Road ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have been falling into lots of holes these past couple of days. It's nice and comfy..but I'm climbing out.because I know it gets ugly in the hole. I don't want to lose myself again...I don't want to lose my family. So..I'm climbing out again.... Talked to xAP for a LONG time yesterday. Mostly about stuff at the prison. He hasn't changed at all..wondering why I took so long to talk to him..."whose side I was on.. in prison politics", mostly he talked..I listened...I made no attempt (either of us) to do anything besides listen...and think..wow..this is not good.....I ended with I hope you find something that makes you happy... So here I am..again..at Day 1. Trying to step OVER the hole. Now?

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

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Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 9:27am

I don't get it.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 10:33am
Breeze, not to sound jerky, but your Day 1's are not Day 1's. You've had a few in a row now, but when you don't have the intention and commitment to go NC, it's not a Day anything. You're still or back in the A. Calling them that is a rip off to those struggling through real Day 1's.

So what to do next? Make a choice. Maybe as RBM said, go for it with xap? Tell H and start moving in that direction? Or END it with xap. Stop your work at the prison where you'll see him, for a while. TELL xap and MEAN it this time. You don't mean it when he calls you the morning after 'telling' him again, that it's over. Commit to one or the other. The limbo is torture for your soul! We will all, of course, help you any way we can.

You have great insight, incredible potential to be filled with joy!

Wishing you well.

(( ))
Gypsy.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 10:44am
RB sweetness -

You think the hole is comfy?

Is it really, though? Or is it just familiar? Cuz that's different than comfy, right?

"He hasn't changed at all..."

But you have, dear one. And that's why you can keep trying to climb back in that hole and making it be comfy again - but it never will be. YOU have changed - and that hole will never feel the same way again to you, no matter how many times you try to make it.

Hugs, honey

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 12:30pm
You're right. I am back in A...on some level or another. I need to quit pretending I'm not. For what it's worth..I was never trying to pretend here..I was trying to pretend to myself. Gypsy You're not sounding jerky. You're being honest. And you're right. It's NOT fair to those struggling through real Day 1's..I never posted with the intention of it Not being Day 1. But I know how hard it is..so I apologise for misleading anyone....intentionally or unintentionally. Kim Familiar. Absolutely not comfy. And you're right I have changed. I'm just. not. ready. right now. Thanks again for all the support over the past month. You are an amazing group of women whom I can learn much from. Hope you guys don't mind if I lurk (not post) around here for awhile.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 1:04pm
I'll miss you. : (
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 1:06pm
Hang on...

Okay, see...this is where I get all conflicted and stuff.

Because I don't have any kind of "you MUST be totally ended in order to post here" rules.

I mean, I know that there is cross-over, and that yes, we probably do have some fresh-enders here. But I always look at it as...we're all adults. And if your set-back is going to impact someone else or influence them to have a set-back of their own or something...then maybe they aren't really ready to be posting here anyway? (Maybe that didn't come out how I mean it...)

I mean - let's be honest here: This IS part of the aftermath. The struggles, the false starts, the stumbles, the holes.

Where else are you going to post about that, sweet pea? Where else will you be able to find a place for *your* voice to be heard - and to find support?

I don't think you need to stop posting here, babe. I mean - I'm one person with one opinion, of course, and not the boss of anyone or anything - but I'm also not going to be the one who says "be GONE with you!"

:)

I hope you'll stay, RB. I think you need us, maybe a little bit.

Big hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 1:53pm

Kim...I appreciate it. I know this is not a cut and dry rule...one of the reasons I was drawn to this particular board to start with.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 6:22pm
RB, you have been a real inspiration to me these past couple of months, we've faced the same struggles, and had many a false start. I don't think either of us 'really' want this anymore yet struggle with the letting go aspect...one day at a time...we'll get there...everyday we're that little bit stronger. Remember what we said a couple of months ago, baby steps. We'll be alright, we're just slow learners ;-)
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 7:44pm

I asked those questions with great sincerity.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 10:05pm

RBM

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

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