Still can't stand sex. Not attracted to H. Like, CANNOT stand it at ALL

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Still can't stand sex. Not attracted to H. Like, CANNOT stand it at ALL
14
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 1:57pm

This is still a big problem and is getting worse. I cannot stand even simplest touches and even the thought of a touch has me cringe. I feel awful saying it.

I know it is not my libido. I think about xAP, and the old bf who fished, and how attracted i feel to them and physically 'want' them. Not that I am going to do anything! But it just proves to me that I do have desires and that they just don't exist for the person I am with and want to be faitful to.

It is going to be hard to be faithful FOREVER. If you ask me, sex and intimacy is a basic human need and I am severely lacking and becoming so depressed that I don't have that in my life. Instead I have a life of "oh please don't let it happen today" and dreading the next time I fulfill the obligation and get it over with. Horrible.

My counselor ties it into fear of intimacy and commitment to my available partner. I say I just don't want to have sex with my husband.

So after session upon session with her, and seeing it getting worse at home, I am now at a total loss, but I don't want to cheat on him! It seems so selfish to be this unhappy lacking just the physical.

Pages

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Oh, Miss. I am so sorry you are going through this. This sounds so much like how I was about 9 years ago, after my son was born and for many years after that. I hated sex. Dreaded it. Got through it just as quickly as possible and hoped his libido would die down. I convinced myself I didn't need sex. That something was "wrong" with me. H is not a passionate person at all (and still isn't, think this is what I got for life!) and was not ever the type to try new things at all. It was like having sex with a pillow. lol. He avoided touch, kissing and all or any foreplay. That part has gotten a bit better, but he still has alot of improvement. What IS better is my own view of myself - I know that I am not "broken", I do have sexual needs, and I am beginning to appreciate my body more and more, little by little. Miss, what happens if you tried on a sexy nightie and gave H a "fashion" show? That doesn't really involve his touch, at least not right away, and could help to get you into a place mentally where you were beginning to "want" him. I don't know, I am merely throwing out suggestions. Fear is a nasty beast. I am daily trying to tackle it. The other morning when H and I had a little time to sneak a "quickie" in, he joked about me getting pregnant. That was it for mood on my end and finished the quickie for him, not me. Bad. Very bad. H knows that there is no way in h*** that I ever want to be pregnant again, we have had the BC issue as a HUGE one in our sex life, and it was totally uncalled for and insensitive for him to make a joke of it. I called him on it and told him it was not thoughtful. He apologized. I have a huge fear of getting pregnant, so huge that I have a hard time relaxing when it comes to sex. He won't get fixed, I want to but our insurance won't cover it and we are at an all-time financial low.

I hate fear. :(

Big (((((HUGS))))) to you, Miss.
Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011

Ugh Miss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Miss - I'm still here in that boat with you. I also do have sexual desires, but only for xap. I know once my brain gets it, my body will follow. I'm sorta wondering when that will happen ....

Gypsy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
I'm in this boat to, I dread it and can't wait for it to be over when I have to do yet I long for xap sexually, it sucks!
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

Hi

Yes, this type of feeling truly sucks.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2010

Hi,

I feel the same as you. H and I never have sex and I really don't want him to touch me. I don't feel attracted to him at all, and the thought of him touching me makes me sick. I have no sexual problems because I really love sex, just not with H. So am I supposed to live like a nun now? That's what bothers me so much :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Exactly, itstime. And it isn't just me, it's H too. I hate depriving him. I just keep making excuses and putting off. He's very patient. I feel selfish that it upsets me to miss out and then I remember he's missing out too. Then I feel selfish holding out. We haven't had sex therapy together specifically. Opening up marriage is definitely not for us. And I don't want to stray. I feel stuck.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

When did you know that you felt this dislike of H's touch?

dragowoman

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Aww, honey.

You're still dealing with the fallout from your ending...AND, throw some pregnancy hormones into that mix - and I'm surprised you can even tell up from down right now, honey!

Yes, it IS an issue - absolutely. And no, it isn't one that can just go on the way it is indefinitely. But I'm not sure that now is the perfect time to start to try to work that one out.

Yes, there are mental issues at work here. And emotional ones as well. But in your case, there are also physical issues happening too. So, you know, try to give yourself a little bit of a break on this front, at least for now.

Okay? Get through the next few months, and let everything settle a little bit, and then see where you're at with all of it.

Big hugs,

Kim

    

Pages