To tell or not to tell....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2012
To tell or not to tell....
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 6:40pm

My emotions got the best of me today, I just need to let this out and get advice....

About 2 months ago, I ended up sleeping with a coworker. He was sweet and kind and attentive and exactly what I needed at the time. I had recently told H that I was feeling very disconnected from him, almost like just a roomate and that things needed to seriously change because I felt that I could not live like this forever. H does not desire sex/affection as much as I do and we frequently can go weeks and months without it. I know this doesn't excuse what I did. I had been having a hard time dealing with the lack of sexual affection, and this isn't recent--we've been together 7.5 years, married for 2.5 years and there was a point about 4 years ago when we actually separated and I slept with someone that I had been seeing for a while

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 9:04pm

You are right to keep this a secret.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2012
Fri, 03-30-2012 - 4:20pm
Hi September.
I also struggle with whether or not to tell. My W and I have gotten to a really good place recently, and I fear that telling her will ruin that, and of course it will hurt her deeply. The A has been over for more than 6 months, and I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I feel in our particular situation, despite the potential damage it may cause, that I should tell her. That she deserves to know what I did, and how I felt, and what I feel.

There are a lot of gray areas here, and no easy answers. I wish you luck in making your decision, and peace with whatever you do decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Sat, 03-31-2012 - 8:12am
Your H deserves to know. You are not in a M of one. There are two ppl in the M and each party deserves to know whether a third person has entered the relationship. No matter the consequences You don't have the right keeping that a secret.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sat, 03-31-2012 - 11:33pm
Why do you want to tell your H? If it is to release yourself from your burden on guilt, STOP and think of the pain and disillusionment you will be forcing on him.
You made a poor choice, you are now unhappy with that choice, but in my mind it was your choice and now it is your burden to bear.
I ended my affair and have no plans of ever telling my H. I just can't see inflicting that pain on him. The scars it would cause him, would be life long. I made my choices, I live have to live with them, I feel my affair is my burden to carry. I know my opinion will vary from most and right or wrong it is just that, my opinion. Good luck with which ever decision you make. Big hugs!
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 04-01-2012 - 8:59am

I have been on both sides of the A coin.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2012
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 4:00pm

Thanks everyone for your points of view....Saturday was D-Day....I just couldn't look into H's eyes and pretend everything was okay any longer. No details were given, just that it happened and I didn't really want it to happen and I was terribly upset and sorry for it all. Thankfully, he was calm and the short of it is that he told me that we are going to work through this. I know it is going to be a long road but I am hoping we can move past it (I really do love him and don't want to be divorced).

What scares me is that he didn't get angry, didn't throw me out, didn't mention divorce--nothing. I am not sure if avoiding what happened is the best idea, but it seems to be the way he wants to deal with it. I brought it up again two days later to see if he wanted to talk about it or if his feelings had changed and he said no he didnt want to talk about it, told me not to bring it up and that his feelings have not changed--yes, he is upset and disappointed but he still loves me and wants to be with me. I am grateful for his demeanor in all this (he consoled ME when I was crying!) but I guess I'm just waiting for everything that is bottled in to come out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 7:03pm

September, my D-day was exactly like yours. I sat him down... told him what happened, but not in complete detail. He was calm, told me he loved me, we would get through it, and of course he was hurt and upset but just like you, still wants to be with me and would never consider divorce or anything like that. I too wondered if he should have gotten more upset, and have been so grateful for the way he reacted.

It is pretty confusing, isn't it? It seemed bottled in here as well, but then a few days later, he did up and leave town for the weekend, and took our daughter - they went to visit his parents out of state. Didn't ask me - just bought plane tickets and said they were going. I spent the weekend alone with my thoughts. I think it was good for both of us. So perhaps your H will come out with a delayed reaction of some sort.

He came back and we were okay, it seemed forgotten by him. But it wasn't for me, and I too asked again if he wanted to discuss anything, and he said no ... I worried he was not facing our issues and was sweeping things under the rug. We went for some counseling together and talked about it a little but really, it never seemed to become such a big deal. And that scared me also.

So I can completely relate to your D-day story. Sometimes, it is okay to come clean and tell. Somehow I knew my H would still be here for me, and maybe you knew yours would too, and that is why you had to talk. I think you will be okay; hugs.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 04-04-2012 - 11:15am
Hi september, and welcome to the board (if I haven't said that already).

It's confusing, isn't it? When we expect anger and instead receive kindness? And of course we feel as though the last thing we deserve is any sort of kindness or compassion, so that makes us feel even worse about everything. :(

You being willing to be open and to keep the lines of communication open between you will do a lot of good, sweetie.

Have you thought about counseling, either individually or as a couple?




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2012
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 1:18pm

Miss7, thanks for sharing your experience with me, I really can't believe how similar our D-Days were. It has now been 2 weeks since I broke the news and it is like nothing even happened. Things were "chilly" between us for the first week, but the main point that he made clear to me was that although he is upset and disappointed, he wants things to go back to the way they were, he wants us to be happy again. He realizes that he played a part in all this, possibly driving me to what I did but we've both committed to being open and honest and continuing to work on us. I am very relieved and happy about this.

Justkim, yes it is very confusing. The way he has been so nice to me makes me feel like such an awful person. I still think about the A constantly and the whole situation is still weighing on me heavily, but I am hoping as the days go by, everything will get better and I'll think about it less. I have thought about counseling, both individually and as a couple but am unsure at this time. I almost feel like if we go, things might be worse the more we talk about it. Here's hoping that time heals all.

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 4:00pm
((((HUGS)))) to you. I, too, went through a D-Day, though I can't say mine was self-imposed. I had thought of telling him, especially after getting involved with my 2nd A and feeling so messed up. This #2 guy was filling my head with horrible things about my H and telling me he would NEVER want to stay with me once he found out about the A i had. (he only wanted me to tell him about the first guy, so he could look like the "hero"...) my H went through the intense pain, the shock and the numbness...but over a year later I would say that communication between us has never been better. I am completely transparent to him and it is truly a better place (for me) to be. :)

Time does heal. It really does. But patience is so essential. It is a process, this healing. be kind to yourself. I get that feeling awful place...I am my absolute worst enemy. Just remember this - you are MORE than the sum of your past mistakes. This new and honest you can truly be a blessing...for your own personal future and the future of your M.

Hearts <3