those intimacy issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
those intimacy issues
6
Wed, 03-21-2012 - 9:38am

Hi all! I feel kind of like a broken record, but, does anyone have advice on, or experience with overcoming major intimacy blocks at home? I’ve discussed this topic before but now I want to specifically talk about within otherwise good, healthy relationships. My H has done extremely well getting over my A and has hardly made an issue of it (maybe that’s an issue of itself but I choose to view it as Boy am I fortunate and boy is he amazing). He loves me and treats me well. Of course there are things about him that drive me crazy, he has ways he angers me and we argue, but I think like anyone would.

Stress is also high right now; we have a baby coming in 2 months and he’s been out of work since November. I realize that can play a big part. But I Just Can’t let him get close to me (physically). I used to at least somewhat enjoy things. Now, not only don’t I enjoy but I can barely tolerate, and I literally cringe at his advances. I do not have any other reason to want to leave him, we have a good thing going, it could be so great if I let it. I am tormented every day by my discomfort with him and the fact that I am depriving him. Why should he stick around?

We are GOOD together for the most part but this obstacle is so huge lately. I use every excuse, especially the pregnancy (which is BS because I still very much have a sex drive and even more so bc of my condition).

So frustrated, feeling stuck and like it only gets worse. How long can I avoid him? He deserves more from me. I could be harboring resentment with the unemployment thing, not his fault but maybe that has just made it worse???Will talk to my T later.

A big part of my A was sharing intimacy. Not sex, but intimacy...wanting someone physically close to me for the first time in a long time and being so open to touches and togetherness. I missed that...a lot, and still do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Wed, 03-21-2012 - 9:49am
Hi miss. I have no wisdom, only empathy! My A ended in August. We had LC through work, and now NC for over a month. I am still working through the sadness, missing Xap, bla bla. The thought of intimacy with H makes me freeze. We were having issues in this area prior to my 4 year very PA. Obviously the A didn't help. So I am stuck. H doesn't know about the A, (though I feel he does). I am in T and addressing issues. After the sadness lifts I hope to be able to focus on H and intimacy. Actually, I'll have to or I probably won't have an H.

Good luck.
Gypsy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Wed, 03-21-2012 - 10:13am
Thanks for the note - I am sorry you are going through all of this. I am still sad too and I miss xap but doing much better lately as the 10-month mark approaches since I've seen him. I hope T can help you too, I go in there like a broken record also. She asks me what my H can do differently to make me happy and I go blank - because he is great. She is trying to find some underlying horrible trait but none exists. Good luck gypsy!
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Thu, 03-22-2012 - 5:51pm
Miss,
Have you ever heard of the book called The Five Love Languages? It is very good from what I have read so far, and it has a profile quiz in the back of the book for husbands and one for wives to find out your primary love language. H and I took the quizzes last night and found that while we are similar in a couple of the languages, we are quite different in others. It is a great conversation starter, too. I know your H doesn't know about your A, but maybe you could just suggest reading together and see what happens? I am not sure how your H is with these kind of b
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Thu, 03-22-2012 - 5:53pm
Oops! Posted before i was done...silly iphone!

to continue...books is that "b" word I was going to type. Anyway, I am just suggesting it. :)

Congrats on your new addition to the family! Hope the pregnancy has been going well for you.

Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 12:35am
I have heard of it, it's been recommended by a few Ts...thanks for reminding me of it, i have to.read it.
H does know about my A. He took it surprisingly well. Didnt dwell or make a long term fuss, just wanted to get.past it and move on. He's supportive of.therapy and would do the quizzes although would surely be somewhat hesitant, it's not really his thing but he'll do it..gotta try!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 12:36am
Oh and thanks! This pregnancy is harder than the first but probably because i am caring for a 3yo at the same time:)