Too many emotions to name a subject.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Too many emotions to name a subject.
2
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 5:53pm
I am at 3 weeks of total N/C. I have not seen my xAP since October, when his dday happened. Mine was last summer, so we were in very different places there. His W made their dday a very, very public thing. Told EVERYONE. They live in a small town outside a larger city, but she worked at the high school, so it was big big news. He owns a business, so now all his employees know, his church, his daughters school, the country club they belong to, their close friends, and all of their family. It was just the most devastating thing I have ever seen. I can imagine if you could see who looks at you on facebook I would have hundreds of people from that town. I know none of this matters...it's just stuff going on in my head. You were right Kim when you said it was probably "the situation" he was rejecting, more than me the person. On Dec 30th he asked for N/C for 30 days. I just said ok and hung up. I made the decision that day that it was over forever. So, I blocked everything. He owes me quite a bit of money, which is hard to swallow, but my T and I have decided to chalk that up to a painful lesson learned. My emotions are everywhere. For the first time anger has entered. I am really really mad at him. I'm not making excuses for myself, but he used me, lied to me, manipulated me. I know I let him do this, so the anger is at myself too. I guess it is really sinking in that I will never see him again in my lifetime. At least of my choosing. I tried N/C 5 times before that and he got around that blockage each time. I think I have the record for cell phone numbers in 1year. So my T and I are working on a written down plan for when that happens, I just have this sinking feeling it's soon and am I ready? God I hope I'm ready. I quit my part time job, bartending at Olive Garden, so he couldn't find me there. I live 2 hours from him, but in the same town as his sister, and I know I will see him at Graduation in May, we both have kids graduating, his sister and I, but I thought by then I would be on more stable ground. I guess this is all just hitting me. The fog is lifting and reality of how horrible this situation is is too much. I'm really not sure what is wrong, I was feeling a bit better, crying less, then yesterday I just started to fall apart again. Why? Daisy
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 7:25pm
So tell me again, Daisy - where has he been living since his d-day? I can't quite remember and didn't want to assume.

So...thirty days on December 30th...and that thirty days is running out, isn't it? I'm very glad that you've blocked him everywhere and I am so glad that you and your T are working out a plan of action. Don't forget to include in there to come here first, before you make any kind of response, okay? We can help! :)

Anger is part of the process, sweetie. I know that for a lot of people, it's a fairly uncomfortable emotion to feel. And I'm sure it's tempting to try to just stuff it down, and not acknowledge it. AND given the circumstances - I know that it's really easy to start comparing, angry at him for this, but angry at myself for that, and that by the end of that, you've almost forgotten that you were mad at him, because you've kicked off that spiral of shame, and self-loathing.

The thing is though...regardless of whatever you did, whatever actions you took whatever your piece of the blame game is - it's OKAY to be angry with him. Anger is such a scary emotion...and I think that it's gotten a really bad rap. Maybe especially for women - we're taught that angry women are something to be feared, and mocked (you're cute when you're mad - wtf?), and something to be ashamed of. What about the whole "oh...she must be close to getting her period, or have her period (or the not-so-classy term for that, on the...)? Or of course, if we express our anger - then we're just being witchy, replace the w with a b.

I could go on...but I don't want anyone to think I'm cute, or ask me if my period is coming, or call me names. :)

Do you see what I'm saying, though? We're taught that anger is something that we should avoid - or if we can't, then we'd be better off just not expressing it at all, so as not to upset anyone. It's okay for us to cry - that's expected. But, we'd better not SHOUT. Oh no.

I say, shout if you need to. Talk to your therapist, have a full-on "witch" session with her, yell about the things that you're angry about, really yell, and get it out there. Journalling can help with that too, or posting, or emailing a friend - whatever works as a release valve.

Because if you try to deny the anger, or stuff it back down...it can change on you, into some other emotion that will be more damaging. It can turn into sadness, it can turn into self-loathing, it can turn into fear. And none of those will make you feel better, only pile on to the negative things you're already feeling.

The 30 days is coming to an end. That's a HUGE trigger, sweetie. Having that date looming, wondering if he'll try to contact you, wondering if he won't, it's living with a 1,000 pound piano hanging over your head, wherever you go. But, you can't control his actions (or inactions) - all you can do is control your own, and how you react. And you're doing all of the right things as far as that goes, and you are building a support network to help. :)

You're okay, Daisy. All of this is completely normal, and you're doing fine. You will be okay, I promise.

Big hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 10:12pm
Thank you Kim. I thought about your anger thing...and my fear of feeling this emotion actually comes from him!!! Every time I was mad...or really had any emotion at all that he wasn't in the mood to deal with he would say "what the hell is wrong with you...your acting psycho today." so after a year and a half of hearing that, you start to believe it. Now I'm really mad at him. I may have fallen for it, but who does that to another person? A person they claim they love? I think my T will see my first "mad" visit tomorrow. The day of his dday, he moved to his business he owns. He has a small living part there...it's a big building. His wife blocked us everyway possible, except his office phone. So, that is how he would contact me. Of course, that cut down immensely the communication. I went into a "waiting out the storm" period, but he would call me everyday and he was in a very bad place. His wife would not let him see his 17 year old daughter for 3 weeks and he missed her signing to a university. I felt so responsible for all of this. Never mind his wife contacting me everyway she could and telling me how terrible I was. You learn quickly to hang up or not open emails. I know it is the 30 days running out that is sending me over the edge. I have no doubt he knows I have once again blocked him everyway possible and he is mad about that....so you start to think of all the ways he will get around it and frankly I am probably freaking myself out. I am so tired of living this life. It's amazing how one small thing, like giving someone your phone number when you know you shouldn't, can ruin this many peoples lives 2 years later. I have hurt so many people. And they, the important ones are disappointed in me but do continue to support me. I have my plan to go over with my T tomorrow, and believe me...this board is on the list. She actually gave me her cell number too. So, I am getting prepared. I need my heart to follow my head. Daisy