Unsure what to do now

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2008
Unsure what to do now
10
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 5:11am

 A little background before I get to the real problem.

About 7 years ago I had an affair with someone I met while in college. My now husband was in the military at the time, (we were not married during this time, we were engaged) and we were living thousands of miles apart for about 11 months out of the year, for an unbearably long three years. The person I was with filled the void that I had with my husband being so far away. I constantly went back and forth for nearly 2 years on who I should be with. It took me a very very long time to realize that I was never in love with the other person at all, even though I cared deeply for him. I had always loved my husband, but the emotional involvment with the other person made it very difficult to end things. Anyway, I did sleep with the other man. However, I never told my husband. This part of it happened for a period of about 6 months over those 2 years. I always used protection with this person, no matter what. He was a virgin, (I know this for a fact), and my husband and I had only been with one another prior to me being with the other man. 

I never told my husband about the sexual part of the affair because I told him about kissing the other man and he told me that it would kill him if anything else had happened. I knew that it would probably be the end of our relationship, and it would be extremely painful if I told him. I do not regret not telling him, because I do not want to hurt him anymore than I did. My husband is a type of person who sees things pretty black and white as far as cheating goes, and after all this time, I do not feel it would do anything but possibly destroy our marriage and hurt him if I told him. 

Now the problem. The person I had been with started sleeping with a mutual friend while I was with him. I didn't find out about it until after we had stopped having contact with one another. Prior to that, when we had officially stopped seeing each other in person, he told me the girl he was seeing had HPV. He said he didn't give it to her, and I told him men could carry it. At the time however, it made no sense to me how he could have given it to her, since I could have never had an STD. But of course, I believe it was that mutual friend he slept with who gave it to him. I didn't realize it until now.

Recently, I believe I developed a wart on my lady parts. Just one. My husband came home from a deployment and I noticed warts on his scr0tum, however, we both thought they were skin tags when I first saw them. I want to tell him I think it's a wart, because of the one I now have. I don't want to hurt him, and it will literally do nothing but destroy our relationship if I tell him why I think I have HPV. I want him to be able to get treatment, as well as myself, but I don't know what to do. I am hoping I can blame it on something else, even if it is minor, so it will minimize the impact. Something important as well, is that my husband and I have been together since high school, so it's very unlikely that I would be able to say it was from a past boyfriend, as I was never sexually active with them.

My husband did have oral sex with one girl before I knew him. I was thinking maybe I could blame it on that. I don't want to make it his fault, but I don't want to bring up the past. I feel like it would be opening a pandora's box. I am so ashamed that I ever let my emotions blind me so much to make such a mistake in my life, and I just want to put it behind me. I was only 20 and stupid, and didn't know what I wanted in life. How in the world can I go about this? How do I tell him what I have? If he saw the wart, he might also think it's a skin tag, but they are not contagious, so I don't think it would work. He did have warts on his hands for a time, and touched me on my lady parts, but I know that the strain of HPV that causes these  warts does not also cause common warts on the hands or feet. If my husband went to the dr to get a prescription the dr might also give him that information that it's only from sexual contact. 

Can someone please give me some advice on how to approach this? Something I can blame this on? I know it's my fault, but I can't bear to lose my husband. I can't live with knowing how much pain I caused my husband in the bigger picture. So much time has passed since the affair, I just don't feel it would serve any purpose to tell him what happened, other than to really hurt him. Just thinking about the fact that I did this make me absolutely sick, and I literally have not been able to stop thinking about it since I realized what the bump was. 

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 2:29pm

Without all of the information in front of you - there really isn't any point in "what if-ing" or trying to figure out what you'll tell.

Call your doctor today and get an appointment, and then when you have all of the information in front of you, go from there. 

I know you want to have a plan already in place for the worst case scenario - but without knowing for sure what you're dealing with, you're just going to end up scared and worried.

Information first...plans second. 

It isn't that none of us can put ourselves into your shoes or that we don't understand.  I just think you need to find out what you're dealing with, for sure - and then, go from there.

Call the doctor - get some answers. 

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 4:49am
Looking for advice online?? Save your time and ask the drunk guy standing in his own pee with his pants around his ankles...I see no difference!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2008
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 4:03am

it's definitely hard not to. ive been looking online in hopes i can try to get some ideas on whether or not it is a wart. sigh. i'm kind of afraid of what the dr might have to say.   :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 1:58am
My Father taught me a very valuable lesson, Don't worry about it until it actually happens!! Go get tested then work out what to do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2008
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 11:14pm

let's say i do go to the dr, and she does tell me its hpv, and i have a wart. 

then what? thats really the point im trying to get to. if its not a wart, then ill just move on with my life, and i wont feel like im in some kind of crisis. i just need to figure out the best way to go about this entire thing, assuming it is a wart, without causing serious marital strife. 

i realize i should go to the dr, but i want to figure out a solution of how to handle this if i am told it is what i believe it to be. please try to put yourself in my shoes. if you made a mistake if your past, and you didnt want to ruin what you have with your spouse or significant other, what would you do? how do you think you would handle it? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 6:34pm

PLEASE go have yourselves checked!!!  You are assuming a lot of things and you're only succeeding in driving yourself nuts.  How can you deal with things if you just bury your head in the sand.  If it is HPV it doesn't matter who got it first.  I'm sure if it was your H, he wouldn't admit to it and so shouldn't you.  But if it's there, it has to be dealt with.  The important thing is that if it is HPV you both get treated.

VD is sometimes an A gift that keeps on giving, so you have to face reality or sweep it under the rug and suffer the consequences......

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2008
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 2:55am
i can honestly say my husband is not that type of person. i know it sounds crazy, but he would absolutely never cheat on me. even if it is hard to believe, i know it is true. he's not like most men in terms of that. and as i said before, he's very black and white in those terms. i'm honestly afraid to have the dr look at it, because if it is a wart, im only confirming my fears. i know it seems stupid, but its really scary for me to confront this. it would be one thing if only i had the problem, but seeing that he also has it makes me feel like a total p.o.s. and i know that hpv can be dormant for years before you even have any signs of it. my husband told me that he developed those 'skin tags' while he was deployed this last time. so im not too sure how long he's had them. i dont want to relive that part of my life. it was the most painful thing ive ever gone through emotionally and mentally. i just want to figure out how i can minimize the damage if it is what i think it is. its not that i dont want to be honest, believe me, it has been difficult for me to lie about some of the things that happened, but i just feel it would be the end of my marriage because it would hurt my husband so much. i feel like he's my soul mate, and i made a mistake in the past. i was young, and very very confused at the time, unsure of what i wanted in my life. i wish i had figured it out sooner, but it didnt work out that way. :/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 2:26am

I agree with xxxs on this one. Find out what this "wart" is before you say anything. Another thing that comes to mind is if your H was gone for 3 years how can you be so sure HE didn't pick something up during that time. I mean a man going without for 3 years. In my opinion for a man with a healthy sex drive, highly unlikey. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 3:38pm

  First is to find out what it really is.  HPV or something else.  Without information you cannot make a accurate decision.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 11:39am

Tell him the truth. He deserves to know and get tested.