The urge to call XMM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
The urge to call XMM
12
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 1:28pm
Brings me here...knowing if I do call, nothing will ever change and there is no benefit for me other than a quick fix. It would probably make the rest of my work day worse. I loved him so much and wonder if I will ever get over it or him. I wonder too if he thinks about it all or feels like I do.???

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 1:31pm
Hi Beach,

Okay...so what is going on today that is making the urge appear?

Say you did call - what would you say?

What are you looking to hear from him, if you did call? That he thinks about you, misses you, etc.?

Let's talk you through this a little, okay?

xoxoxo

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 1:46pm
Kim. Nothing in particular is going on today. Guess it is just my mood...yesterday I did soooo good! I would ask him how he is etc. Probably not much more than that cause I wouldn't wanna hear if he has anyone else..etc...maybe he does miss me..who know...but I am sure you would tell me it doesn't matter whether he does or doesn't...right?
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 2:15pm
It's like you're reading my mind! Now, the question is, are you psychic, or am I just! that! predictable!? :)

So, here is what I think. My two cents, or ten cents, give or take. lol

I think that it is totally, TOTALLY normal to wonder about a person that you cared about. To wonder how they are, how they are doing, what they are feeling or thinking, to want to reach out to them, to check on them, to just...talk to them. I mean, we know how WE are feeling, and how unsettled and off balance we are, I think that it is only natural to wonder if they are going through the same things that we are, if they are feeling similarly unsettled and off balance.

I also think that when there is silence, it is completely normal for our brains to want to fill in those silences. And I think that if in that moment, we are feeling upset or sad or something, we are much more likely to fill in those silences with negative things. Sometimes we do that to talk ourselves out of contact, sometimes we do it because we're already feeling low, and that just reinforces the negative self-talk that is already happening, sometimes we do it because it seems to quiet some of the wondering. Lots of scenarios, lots of reasons, any and all of them could be true.

Trying to fill in someone else's silence can maybe keep our brain occupied for a little bit. I mean, sometimes, it's FUN to project emotions and feelings onto other people! Like right now...I bet you are rolling your eyes at me and thinking, CRIPES, Kim! :)

But it's ultimately sort of a never-ending rabbit hole, too. I mean, say that you are thinking that he doesn't miss you, doesn't care, never did. Then that makes you mad that he thinks that, and sad, and upset, and it sort of makes you want to contact him now, just so you can yell at him for being so cold, uncaring, stupid, whatever. But he didn't really say that - it's just you, saying it for him, sort of. So really...you'd only be arguing with...yourself there, right? :)

I know that there is danger in thinking positive things as well. There is the danger that if we do that, we'll end up waxing nostalgic, or feeling sentimental, or romanticizing the relationship, and that will lead to warm, fuzzy feelings and you know, those aren't always so great either.

So I guess...maybe...shoot for the middle, somewhere? I mean, they are a human being too, with good things about them and bad things, same as you or I. If you are feeling x, y or z in the aftermath, then chances are good that they might be feeling x, y or z as well. (Unless they are a total narcissist. Or a tool.) And just as continued contact would hurt you and your healing, assume that the same is probably true for them as well.

And start to come around to the understanding that neither of you can really fix that for the other.

And I think *that* is really why it doesn't matter how he feels. Because there just isn't really anything that *you* can do about that.

Does that make sense?

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 2:29pm
I totally get every word you just wrote to me. I guess I just needed to hear him say "I still love you" just one more time but heck..if I don't stop this nonsense I will one more time myself to death!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 2:33pm
totally get every word you just wrote to me. I guess I just needed to hear him say "I still love you" just one more time but heck..if I don't stop this nonsense I will one more time myself to death!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 2:35pm
Ooops..my reply duplicated
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 2:46pm

Beach, I am with you. To a degree - it wouldn't be hearing 'i still love you' because he never did ;) But to at least know he remembers...he thinks of me, he has struggled, etc, to hear that stuff one more time. Before NC, I heard all that... I *should* have closure, when I heard those words the first time. That it was hard for him to say goodbye, that every time I came back and made contact, it caused more confusion and made his decision to stay away from me that much harder. So why do I sit and wonder if he *still* thinks anything? Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't.


I want to check in, see how he is doing, etc but I always remind myself that what I hear could make me more upset. I also try to remind myself that I am respecting his wishes by leaving him be... because I care about him.

Maybe he married the GF; or maybe he is single and dating others (that would upset me more!!). So as squirmy as I am wanting to talk and hear things I always remember I may not hear what I want to. And mess with his head too. Although the last times I tried to get in touch, all I heard was silence so that kind of deters me from more attempts.
I just want you to know I really think I know how you feel...

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 6:31pm
Nooooo, Beach - please don't one more time yourself to death.

That would be a horrible way to go, wouldn't it?

:)

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 6:34pm
Miss, those are really great points. Maybe that "one last time" or "one more time" will lead you to hear something that will hurt you, or maybe that will lead to continued pain or confusion for them. Or for yourself.

And none of us need any more of that, right?

I know it isn't easy, the wondering. It's enough to make you nuts, some days. But it does subside. I mean, that is one of the very best things that NC really does for us, I think - it makes the conversation totally one-sided. And really, there is only *so long* that a one-sided conversation can sustain itself.

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 7:46pm
That's it really. The conversation has died and I can't stand it! Why can he do it and I can't (well Im doing it but not easily)? It isn't sustaining itself and I am feeling helpless or that I've lost the bit of influence that I had on him at one time. Not being able to catch the fish anymore I feel frustrated. I know it was catching the uncatchable that hooked me. No wonder I couldn't care less about other xap , a MM at that, but who was so much more available to me! Funny...

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