The urge to contact...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
The urge to contact...
9
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 10:20am

I made a New Year's Resolution to not contact my xAP...it is hard. He stopped responding to my emails a few months ago, I am either hard-blocked or he is really good at ignoring (our affair ended in May). I haven't emailed often, just in weak moments...such as when I am out doing something alone (which is rare) and I feel like maybe this time, he will respond, and meet up with me...Just to talk...(His office is so close to my home...he works on Saturdays...and it makes me think maybe, just maybe today he will reply...)

I tell myself each time He doesn't want to hear from you, he won't w/b and you will be upset. Then I do it anyway. Sometimes I drive by just to see if his car is there, to help me decide whether or not to bother emailing!

I feel like I can break him...like I used to do...manipulate him into one meeting, one coffee date, one public place but it won't work. So I resolved, no more emails (I don't have his cell#, I had it but deleted it before I memorized it bc I thought it was dangerous. So no texts, no calls). I have his office #... but just wouldn't call there. So all I've got is this email which, I may be blocked from. And I will not go the route of creating a new email just to get it through to him!

I fight the discomfort of wanting to reach him every day. It is just hard- this whole city is a big reminder of him and this time of hyear last year is when it all began...Knowing he is 5 minutes from me every day drives me crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 11:08am

I can tell you from my own personal experience, not to contact him. No good comes of it and you will just feel crummy. My An ended at the end of September. I fished a few times after it ended and each time I had hoped for a response and got none. I felt bad afterwards and it set me back in my healing. I resolved not to fish anymore. It sounds as if your xAP is resolved to have your A be over and is trying to move on. We have to respect that and leave them be. If we were to be in touch with them it would just lead us back to the A and that is not the path we want to take. Try and distract yourself as much as you can. It does get easier with time. Hugs,

JG

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 11:40am
misselaneous7, happy new year to you!

I think you are wise to stop hurting yourself like this. I would assume you are hard-blocked. That is what I did when I went NC.

It may not be that he doesn't WANT to hear from you but that he can't.

I ended my 2 year (mostly) EA with someone who had been one of my best friends for 10 years 6 months ago. Hardcore NC. I loved him. I think he loved me. Truth be told, I might always love him.

At 4 months out he contacted me (new email address and a business-realted subject line). I really, really wish he had not done so.

I had done a lot of healing in that 4 months and then I really, really struggled. I still, 2 months later, do not feel as strong as I did before he broke NC.

So, from the other side, fishing really hurts. And you can see it hurts from your side too.

So, just stop sweetheart. Let it go. I know it hurts. But youa re jsut dragging it out.

((((Hugs)))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 11:42am
Exactly right. I need to let my brain lead and also remember he deserves respect, and to be left alone. I am not going to do it, just fight through the urge and discomfort. I work on a computer all day and it is hard to check my typing fingers!
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 01-03-2012 - 6:09pm
Hi Miss,

I think that's a great resolution. :) Let us know if you need some help maintaining it - we're always happy to support when we can.

So you say that you email in weak moments - how often do they come, and what causes them? Are you being triggered by something specific when the urge happens, or is it more a random, could happen anytime kind of thing?

And how do you feel when you do stop fighting the urge and give in? Better? Or worse? Could you write out emails and save them to a draft folder (don't put his name in the address, so it won't accidentally get sent) and see if that helps? Or journal? Or, put it here?

Is it wanting to write to him specifically or is it needing to get things out, do you think? If it's the latter - then we're a great sounding board. :)

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Wed, 01-04-2012 - 5:28pm

Thank you for the encouragement!

Well, the biggest trigger is definitely being out and about by myself. For example if I get the chance to actually go run an errand alone on a Saturday morning… I always think, how easy it would be to meet him and maybe if I message him, he will allow it…His office is right in my neighborhood and I know he is there on Saturdays. It used to also be if I were out in the evening with friends, I would be so tempted to try and get him out. I don’t have tons of freedom and time to be totally on my own so those moments are big triggers…I don’t go out for girls’ nights much anymore, because the friends that I did that with pretty much turned against me when they found out about my A. It was a pretty bad blow up (not true friends either)

And sometimes there is no trigger other than I am thinking of him and feeling desperate for contact. I feel crappy every time I message and get no answer. He has cold-ignored me since September and before that it was very minimal response.

I hate to say it, but I just miss him. I dream about him at night a lot and I am just reminded all the time despite having no saved photos, letters, nothing. I don’t feel this way about my other xAP - have I mentioned that one…? It was a rebound and ended in Sept on my terms, easily for me when I realized, what the hell am I doing?? this is not worth it if it is not AP1, the one I am pining for now. I just messed with someone else for the affection and attention and desperate need to get over AP1 when it ended.

I am better now in that I don’t have that urge to meet someone else and do this all again – at all. It all goes back to AP1 who I am worried I will never get over! It is a daily struggle but as long I get through each day with NC,it is a victory!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 10:14am

sweetie I'm in the same boat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2011
Thu, 01-05-2012 - 10:22am

comingfromtherain I can't believe how similar your story is to mine ...... the best friend part HURTS like hell....my AP had been my best friend of 20 years, we met when we were 18 ....Our affair only lasted 4 months, then 3 months of NC, then he recontacted me, new short-lived affait until DH found out and had to stop it all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2012
Fri, 01-06-2012 - 8:51pm

AS long as you keep busy you'll be fine. Its gonna be hard because if you go somewhere you'll think about the time you

www.findingfreedomteam.com/ KLittle
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 1:22pm

Yes, being busy helps until I am not busy again (like laying in bed after waking in the middle of the night, or sitting and working. Which yes should be busy time but I get distracted and think of him. Or even a short drive in the car...That is a trigger for some reason, I always want to reach for the phone. I am working on keeping this resolution but it makes my gut and heart wrench to be NC.

Thanks again for so much support here.