iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Fri, 07-13-2012 - 10:41pm
I am vulnerable so I am coming here. The past 8 weeks have been so stressful and this afternoon a bit of news about my son threw me even more. I am just about at my emotional breaking point - what I crave is an escape from my reality and don't we all know that A-land is the perfect destination for that. I can't go there in any way shape or form!
I've been so tempted to reach.out to xap lately. To escape my head and thoughts and go back to that la la fantasy land. Not that he will even receive my message (Im likely blocked) let alone respond.
But goodness...i was doing pretty well and then life just threw me a bunch of new curveballs. I dont handle change or ssurprises too well and basically some surprises have come that mean some pretty big changes.for my family, we are.going down a path we had no idea we wld be on. Naturally i am craving a dose of fantasy, other life, escape. I am ok for now thinking i won't do it but I am kind of teetering on the edge here ...
Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 9:03pm
I came back to read this a few times and will keep coming back so I can pep-talk myself and remember that it's ok to just be me...
I have walls I never used to realize I have. It's only been a recent realization that I do put up walls to protect myself and have a hard time letting anyone have access to me, truly. I know that's what's happening, I just don't know how to resolve it or at least improve it. I have so much anxiety around people...
An A allowed me to be whoever I wanted to be in their eyes. I didn't have to let them in to my real life. They didn't know my.friends and family, just the Me that I portrayed. With elements of mystery. I see A as a defense mechanism or escape tool. A get way to just not have to be me for a while.
Things are.still rocky with H - we fight and make up constantly. And we're dealing with a lot and I am sleep deprived on top of it all. But I still haven't done anything I'd regret and am still NC. I write emails and record messages in my head, what I would say to hIm but it remains up there in my head. I love too much how good it feels to have finally left hIm alone for 5 whole months. It's awesome!
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 7:08pm

It's really okay to just be you. Perfectly okay. :smileyhappy:

And I know that the idea of letting some of the walls down is scary. Boy, do I ever know how scary even the thought of it can be. I really do.

But I can tell you that it is so worth it to try to push through those fears. To practice letting the walls down, to practice letting people a little farther in than you feel comfortable with. I can tell you that it gets easier with practice - and that the whole process can lead to a really cool "good feedback" loop, where your inner voice is strong, and confident, and positive rather than negative and judgmental.

It's okay to just be you. And it's really okay to let people see who you are.