A watched pot
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|Sat, 07-21-2012 - 12:15pm|
sometimes boils over!!!! here I thought I have been Miz Cool these many weeks, reconnecting with DH in small stints, letting the ghost of AP float away...Well, wrong. I bought outdoor concert tickets for DH and myself last night, and the plan was for him to pick me up at work, we would arrive well before the music started, get a good spot, and have a picnic etc. Well, as I sat out in my car waiting, he calls to say he is now on his way - about an hour late at this point. I saw red, or white, or whatever.. I had specifically asked him to please not be late on this occasion, what was suppposed to be a date, and instead it was same old same old. This has been the norm for ~40 years, to the point that sometimes if there was an event even a half-mile away, I would drive myself just to get there when it started.
So DH pulls up, then drives like an A## through the town as though every other driver and red light is now to blame for him being late, instead of the poor planning on his part. As we make our way to the concert I am numb at first, so mad and sad all at once, and then I found myself desperately wishing for x AP. I mean DESPERATELY wanting to be with him. I swear, if he had been in a car behind us I would have jumped out and run away with him and never looked back. We got to the concert, nothing was said, and after a few/several beers the evening was rescued, though I really just stuffed everything down.
Here comes the armchair/pop psych analysis: I see DH's lateness as a strike against me, a refusal to meet my needs, and it just plain hurts. It's repeated in other areas of the M, where something I ask for doesn't happen and nobody thinks it's a big deal but me. I don't ask for a lot, as I find it hard - but when I do I would hope that it would be respected and when it isn't I feel so hurt. It's a bad cycle that we haven't been able to solve, even with MC. The reappearance of xAP in my mind is on two levels I think. The first is superficial, xAP was always either on time or early - which always made me so happy! He was so dependable in that way. The second explanation, is a bit more revealing, to me anyway. I know I posted once about letting many things slide with DH that would normally upset me, because I literally said to myself, well you're having this A, so you shouldn't complain. So for xAP's face and my desire to see him pop up during the first run in with DH and old lousy feelings in a long time, tells me that the A was in part a big old escape. The feel good feelings were not only A-fog, but also helped to cover up the unhappy aspects that I have not been able to address in my M.
So, as painful as this was, I think it might be a bit of the understanding or the "why" of the A that I have been saying I wish I had. Yuck on the one hand, but maybe it will prove good down the road.
Thanks for listening to the rant!