A watched pot

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
A watched pot
Sat, 07-21-2012 - 12:15pm

sometimes boils over!!!! here I thought I have been Miz Cool these many weeks, reconnecting with DH in small stints, letting the ghost of AP float away...Well, wrong. I bought outdoor concert tickets for DH and myself last night, and the plan was for him to pick me up at work, we would arrive well before the music started, get a good spot, and have a picnic etc.  Well, as I sat out in my car waiting, he calls to say he is now on his way - about an hour late at this point. I saw red, or white, or whatever.. I had specifically asked him  to please not be late on this occasion, what was suppposed to be a date, and instead it was same old same old. This has been the norm for ~40 years, to the point that sometimes if there was an event even a half-mile away, I would drive myself just to get there when it started.

So DH pulls up, then drives like an A##  through the town as though every other driver and red light is now to blame for him being late, instead of the poor planning on his part. As we make our way to the concert I am numb at first, so mad and sad all at once, and then I found myself desperately wishing for x AP. I mean DESPERATELY wanting to be with him. I swear, if he had been in a car behind us I would have jumped out and run away with him and never looked back. We got to the concert, nothing was said, and after a few/several  beers the evening was rescued, though I really just stuffed everything down. 

Here comes the armchair/pop psych analysis:  I see DH's lateness as a strike against me, a refusal to meet my needs, and it just plain hurts. It's repeated in other areas of the M, where something I ask for doesn't happen and nobody thinks it's a big deal but me. I don't ask for a lot, as I find it hard - but when I do I would hope that it would be respected and when it isn't I feel so hurt. It's a bad cycle that we haven't been able to solve, even with MC.  The reappearance of xAP in my mind is on two levels I think. The first is superficial, xAP was always either on time or early - which always made me so happy! He was so dependable in that way. The second explanation, is a bit more revealing, to me anyway. I know I posted once about letting many things slide with DH that would normally upset me, because I literally said to myself, well you're having this A, so you shouldn't complain. So for xAP's face and my desire to see him pop up during the first run in with DH and old lousy feelings in a long time, tells me that the A was in part a big old escape. The feel good feelings were not only A-fog, but also helped to cover up the unhappy aspects that I have not been able to address in my M.

So, as painful as this was, I think it might be a bit of the understanding or the "why" of the A that I have been saying I wish I had. Yuck on the one hand, but maybe it will prove good down the road. 

Thanks for listening to the rant!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Re: A watched pot
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 12:57pm

Hi Miz Kim - your question are always welcome! As E1 can attest, I am Miz Linear and lists suit me fine. 

As far as DH and his hour of need, it is just the way he rolls. He's ADD, a salesman, always has some detail in front that he didn't plan on (remember): a phone call, getting gas, finding his phone, allowing for travel time, whatever. It's never just one thing and in this case,  I did ask, and he started to list off the reasons. He doesn't know how to put a sell by date on his activities at work, so that then he can turn to the personal stuff. 

it's been this way for decades and I let it go most of the time, like 99%, because now with the kids gone it hardly ever affects me. The problem never went away, we just outgrew it, and it didn't resurface until we had made this date. And it felt so much like the tidal wave of suck from the past that I was really surprised, and triply surprised when the feelings made me want to run to xAP.

We went to one year of MC ~ 14 years ago. The usual suggestions were made, agree on some things and let others go, reflective listening, deconstructing sore points, list goals, all of which we did with a little success but then our lives changed a lot and I went to work fulltime and we just overlapped a lot less. Then I began EA with xAP and on to PA and stopped worrying about DH.  Now, post-A I'm back where I was, and am stumped on how to make positive changes. We have tried to work together on renovation projects, including a bathroom that has been torn out for 18 months. The tools have been on the dining room table since Christmas, but nothing gets done as he always has something come up. It affects our social life as it is hard to reciprocate with dinner invitations when the guests have to stand up to eat, and pee outside.

All such old news now, but I can see why I was so happy to work two jobs to buy the next plane ticket and be treated like a queen. Noooo-brainer. But, DH is a really good man - this is just a style difference. One final thing, after MC, and even now, I stil feel like I made 90% of the changes and he made zero to none, and that fuels my pot-ness.

Thanks for asking, Kimmer!

XO Daisy