Well, he fished... help keep me away from the hook!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Well, he fished... help keep me away from the hook!
8
Mon, 04-16-2012 - 7:36pm

To summarize... had a mostly emotional A with a MM, I am a MW. The A lasted on and off for a little over a year. I know we all think this, but I really do think we have genuine affection for each other, but yeah - not right, not healthy, not OK. We do have a genuine friendship, though, so this has been the hardest part to let go. It's been a month since I broke it off, we had a week of platonic/business-related contact, now it's been 3 weeks of NC. Every day has gotten easier, but it's been heartbreaking and I still miss him. The past week, it's really started to lift. I am feeling stronger, happier, and more connected to my DH than ever - lots of bonding and sex and fun, like old times, only even better in some ways.

xAP has been vacationing with his family for the past 2 weeks which made NC pretty easy. But he is back in town as of today. Just got an email from him, titled "Back". He said he hopes I am well and wanted to say hi, and that he noticed I unfriended him on facebook, deleted him on my IMs, etc. and assumes I don't want further contact, but that maybe he's misreading and would love to hear from me, and hopes I will at least let him know how I am doing. Said we've both done a good job not being in contact but "still think that this sucks." Hopes it's ok to at least say hi.

So, how do I feel? Kind of satisfied that he wants to know and seems to miss me. But mostly I am ANNOYED. I'm annoyed because he jumped at the chance to contact me as soon as he returned to real life without me (non-vacation)... welcome to what has been my hell. One that's become easier, finally. Now it's his turn to walk past all our broken memories. And the kicker - he knows I'm just here working a couple days and then I will be going on a vacation with DH for the rest of the month. It's selfish of him to pop back in before I am ready for a romantic getaway with my real love. Sure, I hate not knowing how he is, too, or being able to just say hi and say how our days are going - but not being able to do that was becoming the norm and I was no longer feeling so empty because of it.

I'm annoyed that *just* as I am really starting to let go and be happy without him, he fished. And I don't want to get caught... but part of me still cares so much for him and probably always will. So how do I stay strong? What should I do? Like I said, we had a friendship and a business relationship above all else so NO contact ever again seems cruel and also professionally unwise... but maybe that's off limits, too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Hi Red,

It really sounds like you are wanting to focus on your marriage and if one of your first thoughts was annoyance at him intruding on your personal life you may want to rethink how much of a business contact x-ap is worth having. Myself I believe once a person crosses over with a friend into an intimate relationship that the friend part has changed and if it was an A then the dynamics of that friendship are even further muddied. Of course this only my experience and I think if you keep any type of contact that isn't necessary it will prolong your walk in figuring out how you got on this path. You call your H your true love which I think is something you should really explore without any distraction. As far as the fishing attempt, you don't have to do anything. You can block further if you choose and let the little fishy swim off;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Hey babe, I replied to you over on EAS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008

Red,

If you can, I suggest journaling it out. Write out how you think the conversation would go and then how that would make you feel.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2011

Good for you for wanitng to do the "right" thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Thanks! Good reminders to keep away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
I am definitely going to do this tomorrow if I still feel anxious about what to do... but as of now, I am content to not respond. Nothing is going to change or get better with us, at least not for a LONG time has passed. I better follow that advice that something that best thing you can do is nothing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Thanks. I am still not even interested in replying. Part of me still cares and clings to the ideal what ifs - but the smarter part of me knows there is no happy resolution here. Staying in touch with him will only refuel my anxiety. This man literally has made me so nervous that I lost tons of weight and can barely eat normally now... it needs to stop. STOP. STOP.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
How are you doing with this, red?

Hugs,

Kim