What have your Ts said?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
What have your Ts said?
13
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 12:39pm

For those who have been in counseling, what have your therapists had to say about 'why' you did what you did or how you've been able (or not) to get over it? The last two counselors I've been with have tried to reach inside me, find past experience, family issues growing up, marriage issues now, all sorts of things that would contribute to 1) me having an affair and 2) being so stuck on it and not able to get over him, pretty much not having anything to do with the guy.

I argue that it is the man himself, that I fell in love with someone at the wrong place and time, no underlying psychological issues or unresolved past experiences. That for me it is about wanting to be with someone I can never be with and it torments me.

Curious to hear what counselors have suggested in general, of course recognizing that every situation and person is different.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2010
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 12:44pm
Miss. I kinda see your point and agree with you that it isn't a underlying issue and that you feel in love with the person. I don't believe everything is black or white.

My T actually understands the way I feel and acknowledges the fact that I loved my xAP. He is helping me move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 1:54pm

Miss - I don't see anything wrong with your answer (in large part b/c that was my answer too).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 4:02pm
Miss- Even though there are issues for me like that, my T very much believes I loved this man and that he loved me. What she also believes is that he could not handle those emotions, which he himself had told me, and she is helping me deal with here and now...the heart break....and the things from the past. My T herself went through something like this 15 years ago herself...and she said being heartbroken is one painful event. She loves that I am on this board, and loves the N/C=NNH, which she had never heard before. So, I hope for you your T is listening and understanding what you are feeling. I totally believe there doesn't have to be past issues. Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 5:20pm

How long has it been since your A ended and are you completely no contact with xAP?

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My T never had a say about why I had an A. She would listen as I talked about my life in general and would pose questions for me to think about and answer on my return visit. As I found the answers to those questions, it led me to my own conclusions about why I had an A. I did share those with her and she agreed with my line of thinking.

I’m not sure what your definition of “getting over it” is. For me it’s not about getting over it but more about moving forward. Being 4 ½ years out, I see the A very differently today then I did during or shortly after ending the A. I don’t try to pretend It didn’t happen and there is no erasing it for me or for my H. What I do have control over is what I choose to do today. My husband has the same choice.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 6:31pm

>>I argue that it is the man himself, that I fell in love with someone at the wrong place and time, no underlying psychological issues or unresolved past experiences. That for me it is about wanting to be with someone I can never be with and it torments me.<<<

So why seek T if you're mind is set on this fact?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 7:53pm
Hi miss. You very well could have loved each other deeply. But something in you allowed things to get to that point with a person who was not actually available to you. MHO is that there is no such thing as "it just happened". So I would guess that your T sees that there may be some issue there for you to allow things to go past appropriate boundaries.
Like E1. My T mostly just tries to help me figure things out for myself and gives me tools to do that. She is a behavioral psychologist so her focus is very much on what can be done in the here and now to help me cope, learn from mistakes, break unhealthy patterns, etc. I lead the sessions and we only talk about childhood and such if I bring it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 12:26pm

Goddess, of course I am open to exploring and working on it, that is the whole reason i am in T :)

E1, excellent questions that make me think.

How long has it been since your A ended and are you completely no contact with xAP? It ended late May, zero contact since mid-September.

Re: 'last two counselors', I guess I should phrase it as: the two counselors I have seen since the A had began. I had seen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 8:13am
In my experiences with therapy. This is a belief I have always carried. The therapist doesn't make it happen for you, the therapist can't help you get over anything, but they share the tools they have to help you cope in a different manner. Ways to process thoughts, reactions and actions. The answers you seek are inside yourself are you really brave enough to look at them?
They also give you an outlet, a voice to all those thoughts and feelings without exposing yourself, to the world outside their office.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 12:59pm

Misselaneous7,

Thanks for the clarification on what you meant by the last “two” counselors and for sharing how long you have been NC. I know 6 months was about the time I started feeling like the A was “REALLY” over. The first 3 or 4 months of NC there was just so many different feelings and emotions, I didn’t feel like I had much clarity about anything. I was just basically getting through each day. So being at 4 months NC, I would expect you would still be dealing with days where you are

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 1:00pm

Misselaneous 7,

The following is something Kim wrote last year to another poster (take from it what resonates with you):

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

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