What would you do if...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
What would you do if...
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 9:51am

Hi, everyone.

I hope I'm just being paranoid, but I have reasons to believe my xAP's W or xW (I don't know their status at this point) may be contacting me. Please don't mind if I don't tell you what those reasons are. My question is, if that happened, what would you do???? Here's some background, for the ones who don't know my story:

-The A lasted 1.5 years. I ended my marriage before he ended his because we supposedly wanted to be together. I waited for almost a year.

-His W went away for a temporary job abroad all last semester. At that point he said they were through, but who knows. He dumped me exactly when she left. Now she's back.

-The reason for leaving me was that, in spite of all promises to the contrary an in spite of having discussed the issue many times, he claimed that he had "just" realized that although he loved me, he didn't want to share me with my own child, that he wanted me all to himself, and since it wasn't possible, he'd rather "just find someone else."

-After a lot of therapy, I have come to believe that he has some serious psychological problems (I do too, rest assured, but those are a different story. :)) . My therapist believes that his behavior (the details at this point are not important) is that of a narcissistically disordered person, with possibly some psychopathic traits (no guilt, no empathy, by his own admission).

-We are co-workers

That's it. So... IF she contacts me, I think it is my duty to admit to the A if she asks, but a) I'd like to be careful because he's in a position of more power than me where we work, and I'm afraid he'd be vindictive.  b) I don't know how much information about the A I should give her, or whether I should tell her to just ask him  c) I don't know if it's my duty to tell her he's possibly a dangerous person. I believe now that he has emotionally abused her.

Sorry if this sounds like a soap opera. It would just be better for me to be prepared for this hypothetical situation. Hugs,



Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 9:11pm

Hi Yoga,

I've been on both sides of an A so here's my perspective....

I have also looked up my (then)H's supposedly AP, I even called her work place, but did not speak to her.  Part of the call was to confirm that she was who I thought she was and have the number and name match with a female voice. (My then H had her cel number programmed under man's name on his phone) I thought about calling her back, but didn't know what  would say or worse what she would say.  In the end, I decided on nothing, since I had decided to end my M anyways.

On the other hand, I have also though about "what if's" my xAPs W would call me.  Although in no way fantasizing or wanting to re-engage in the A, it is a way, an unconcious way,  to keep the xAP in or minds and thoughts.  I also had my doubts that his W knew something was up. She did call my cel once, she had likely seen a text on xAPs phone.  I have call display and xAP confirmed it was his W.  All she said was 'sorry wrong number' and then she hung up.

If she would ever call now, I would tell her nothing and if she wants to know about the relationship between you and him, she should ask him. Nothing good for you can come out of you telling her anything.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 10:15pm

>>Although in no way fantasizing or wanting to re-engage in the A, it is a way, an unconcious way,  to keep the xAP in our minds and thoughts. <<<

Correct!  This is exactly what I mean when I say, be brutally honest with ourselves and our motives.  Junkies like us will find all kinds of excuses to keep the A and AP front and center in our minds and thoughts, this "what if" is a classic.  And when confronted about the junkie thinking, "DENIAL".  Therefore, making it harder to move on....

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket