What would you do if...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
What would you do if...
12
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 9:51am

Hi, everyone.

I hope I'm just being paranoid, but I have reasons to believe my xAP's W or xW (I don't know their status at this point) may be contacting me. Please don't mind if I don't tell you what those reasons are. My question is, if that happened, what would you do???? Here's some background, for the ones who don't know my story:

-The A lasted 1.5 years. I ended my marriage before he ended his because we supposedly wanted to be together. I waited for almost a year.

-His W went away for a temporary job abroad all last semester. At that point he said they were through, but who knows. He dumped me exactly when she left. Now she's back.

-The reason for leaving me was that, in spite of all promises to the contrary an in spite of having discussed the issue many times, he claimed that he had "just" realized that although he loved me, he didn't want to share me with my own child, that he wanted me all to himself, and since it wasn't possible, he'd rather "just find someone else."

-After a lot of therapy, I have come to believe that he has some serious psychological problems (I do too, rest assured, but those are a different story. :)) . My therapist believes that his behavior (the details at this point are not important) is that of a narcissistically disordered person, with possibly some psychopathic traits (no guilt, no empathy, by his own admission).

-We are co-workers

That's it. So... IF she contacts me, I think it is my duty to admit to the A if she asks, but a) I'd like to be careful because he's in a position of more power than me where we work, and I'm afraid he'd be vindictive.  b) I don't know how much information about the A I should give her, or whether I should tell her to just ask him  c) I don't know if it's my duty to tell her he's possibly a dangerous person. I believe now that he has emotionally abused her.

Sorry if this sounds like a soap opera. It would just be better for me to be prepared for this hypothetical situation. Hugs,

yoga

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 2:01pm

Hi, Myrasfriend. Thanks for your response, especially the last part: how would I like to be treated if I were in her shoes. It's not that my t focuses on him instead of my issues. This is just something that came up at some point. I don't really want to give too many details because they might be too specific. Therapists are not prone to analyzing someone based on hearsay, I agree, and mine is not the exception. But precisely taking that into account, the fact that she has expressed the opinion that she thinks he has a problem and I should be careful, means something to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 11:39am

I think your therapist should not focus on what is wrong with him and help you determine how to become an emotionally healthier person. She is taking your word for him and his psychoanalyzing his behavior without really talking to him. It is a waste of your money and time to concentrate on his issues. It's hard enough to focus on our own personality flaws without having to figure out someone else's. I personally don't believe in the deny theory that so many ppl advocate. I believe in putting yourself in her shoes and thinking about how you would really want the truth and tell her the truth. JMHO

Pages