What would you do if...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
What would you do if...
12
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 9:51am

Hi, everyone.

I hope I'm just being paranoid, but I have reasons to believe my xAP's W or xW (I don't know their status at this point) may be contacting me. Please don't mind if I don't tell you what those reasons are. My question is, if that happened, what would you do???? Here's some background, for the ones who don't know my story:

-The A lasted 1.5 years. I ended my marriage before he ended his because we supposedly wanted to be together. I waited for almost a year.

-His W went away for a temporary job abroad all last semester. At that point he said they were through, but who knows. He dumped me exactly when she left. Now she's back.

-The reason for leaving me was that, in spite of all promises to the contrary an in spite of having discussed the issue many times, he claimed that he had "just" realized that although he loved me, he didn't want to share me with my own child, that he wanted me all to himself, and since it wasn't possible, he'd rather "just find someone else."

-After a lot of therapy, I have come to believe that he has some serious psychological problems (I do too, rest assured, but those are a different story. :)) . My therapist believes that his behavior (the details at this point are not important) is that of a narcissistically disordered person, with possibly some psychopathic traits (no guilt, no empathy, by his own admission).

-We are co-workers

That's it. So... IF she contacts me, I think it is my duty to admit to the A if she asks, but a) I'd like to be careful because he's in a position of more power than me where we work, and I'm afraid he'd be vindictive.  b) I don't know how much information about the A I should give her, or whether I should tell her to just ask him  c) I don't know if it's my duty to tell her he's possibly a dangerous person. I believe now that he has emotionally abused her.

Sorry if this sounds like a soap opera. It would just be better for me to be prepared for this hypothetical situation. Hugs,

yoga

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 10:15pm

>>Although in no way fantasizing or wanting to re-engage in the A, it is a way, an unconcious way,  to keep the xAP in our minds and thoughts. <<<

Correct!  This is exactly what I mean when I say, be brutally honest with ourselves and our motives.  Junkies like us will find all kinds of excuses to keep the A and AP front and center in our minds and thoughts, this "what if" is a classic.  And when confronted about the junkie thinking, "DENIAL".  Therefore, making it harder to move on....

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Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 9:11pm

Hi Yoga,

I've been on both sides of an A so here's my perspective....

I have also looked up my (then)H's supposedly AP, I even called her work place, but did not speak to her.  Part of the call was to confirm that she was who I thought she was and have the number and name match with a female voice. (My then H had her cel number programmed under man's name on his phone) I thought about calling her back, but didn't know what  would say or worse what she would say.  In the end, I decided on nothing, since I had decided to end my M anyways.

On the other hand, I have also though about "what if's" my xAPs W would call me.  Although in no way fantasizing or wanting to re-engage in the A, it is a way, an unconcious way,  to keep the xAP in or minds and thoughts.  I also had my doubts that his W knew something was up. She did call my cel once, she had likely seen a text on xAPs phone.  I have call display and xAP confirmed it was his W.  All she said was 'sorry wrong number' and then she hung up.

If she would ever call now, I would tell her nothing and if she wants to know about the relationship between you and him, she should ask him. Nothing good for you can come out of you telling her anything.

 

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 9:11pm

Hi Yoga,

I've been on both sides of an A so here's my perspective....

I have also looked up my (then)H's supposedly AP, I even called her work place, but did not speak to her.  Part of the call was to confirm that she was who I thought she was and have the number and name match with a female voice. (My then H had her cel number programmed under man's name on his phone) I thought about calling her back, but didn't know what  would say or worse what she would say.  In the end, I decided on nothing, since I had decided to end my M anyways.

On the other hand, I have also though about "what if's" my xAPs W would call me.  Although in no way fantasizing or wanting to re-engage in the A, it is a way, an unconcious way,  to keep the xAP in or minds and thoughts.  I also had my doubts that his W knew something was up. She did call my cel once, she had likely seen a text on xAPs phone.  I have call display and xAP confirmed it was his W.  All she said was 'sorry wrong number' and then she hung up.

If she would ever call now, I would tell her nothing and if she wants to know about the relationship between you and him, she should ask him. Nothing good for you can come out of you telling her anything.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 6:49pm

Kim and Sunny, I wanted to say "thanks." Your advice helps a lot. I only panicked because she was looking me up, but you're right, I have no idea what's going on in her mind, nor her agenda. It would probably be wiser to say little or nothing if she were to call, and simply tell her to talk to him.

Keep your fingers crossed so that I won't have to come here and tell you she called me or something!

-Y

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 6:45pm

"If you were worried about ethical issues you wouldn't have had a A or slept with a MM". Well, sorry, that reasoning isn't sound. Yes, I didn't think about ethical problems then, but it just so happens that I thought about them afterwards. The two are not mutually exclusive: there is a difference in time. Yes, it would've been better if I had thought about it before, but an experience such as an A may in fact change the way you look at things, and it happens that  I am thinking about it now. Fortunately, I'm not stuck where I was 2 years ago.

She could've called me from where she was, you say. I say, please trust me on this one. It wasn't likely at all that she would've called me from where she was. She may have found out about everything now that she's back in town.

But anyway, the last point you make does make sense. Not talking, if the occasion arose, would probably be the easiest option, and as you said before, just refer her back to her xH (H?), because he does have the power to make my life miserable at work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 6:34pm

If you were worried about ethical issues you wouldn't have had a A or slept with a MM.  "What if's" questions are better answered before crossing the A line.  At this point, it's counter productive.  If your AP do throw you under the bus, you wouldn't be the first one.  It's what we signed up for when we stoop to such low.

>>And no, she couldn't contact me before because she was in a different country<<<

I highly doubt that.  Other countries have phones too you know.  Besides, if you work with her H, she knows the contact number there.  Don't kid yourself into thinking she doesn't know that he's a cheater.  I'm sure you're not his only one.

Now is the time for self preservation.  Worry why you allowed and compromised youself by having an A.  Maybe a good time to look for another job elsewhere too.  Also, you don't have to talk to her if you don't want to because I promise you, everything you say or do will be turned against you.  Hence, why I wouldn't put myself into such a lose, lose situation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 6:02pm

Well, no, Goddess, I'm not interested in being connected to my xAP. Something happened that made it clear she was finding out things about me, including my contact information. And no, she couldn't contact me before because she was in a different country and she is back now. I just didn't feel like retelling all the details of my A at this point, because I had told it before in the old forums. I seriously am concerned with a) issues involving my job and b) the ethical issue of how much one should admit.

I'm hoping none of this will materialize because I am happy with my life and I do not want this man back in my life. He has already done some underhanded things to me at work, which I won't go into either, so I do have a reason to worry about these things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 4:47pm

>>So... IF she contacts me, I think it is my duty to admit to the A if she asks, but a) I'd like to be careful because he's in a position of more power than me where we work, and I'm afraid he'd be vindictive.  b) I don't know how much information about the A I should give her, or whether I should tell her to just ask him  c) I don't know if it's my duty to tell her he's possibly a dangerous person. I believe now that he has emotionally abused her.<<<

I think, you being pre-occupied with this "what if's" is your way of staying connected to the A and AP.  If the A is truly over, then all of that "what if's" doesn't matter.  If she contacts you redirect her to ask her H (especially important if he can get you fired).  I would not divulged any information about the A (she could get vindictive and sue you for alienation or something).  If he abuse her, she's a grown woman and being that she's his wife, I think she knows him better than you do.  Besides, if she ever wanted to get info's from you she would have done it loooong time ago.  Maybe she knows how he is and is just looking the other way to keep the privileges of being his wife.

People tend to stay where they want to be....  Work on you and get you in a better, healthier place.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 3:46pm
Hi Yoga, This is a tricky situation for you to be in but it's managable. If she suceeds in contacting you, I'd be inclined to hear her out, while saying nothing. Regardless of what it is she says, maybe respond with something along the lines of "what your telling me surprises/dismays/shocks me. (whatever it is), I am going to have to think about what you have told me and get back to you (or not). If a T is telling you that xAP exhibits psychopathic behaviours then you are very wise to be cautious. I don't think I'd be saying very much, of anything to his ex wife, regardless of what she may say to you. Yoga you sound very together even though you have been badly hurt and let down. Be cautious and work through it all with your T. Wishing you strength..... Sunny Soon Xxx
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 2:52pm

Hi Y honey -

So I don't have experience with this scenario, and even if I did...I don't know that it would transfer well, KWIM?  :)  But, there are a few different schools of thought out there.

1.  Tell everything, be absolutely honest.

2.  Tell some, only answer direct questions with yes or no, keep it short and sweet and don't volunteer any information.

3.  Tell nothing.  Deny, deny, deny.

And of course, there is middle ground in all of those scenarios.

I am hesitant to tell you to go the "put yourself in her shoes and decide based on that" route - only because I don't know that you can really do that.  In your situation, feeling betrayed by this man - you can probably relate a bit on that level.  But not perfectly, you weren't the wife that he betrayed, and your agenda might be different than hers.

You needed to know the truth about him so that you could break free from the relationship.  But maybe that isn't her goal at all.  That's what I mean about the "agenda" - that you and she could have very different motivations for truth-seeking, and have very different outcomes in mind.  You know?

This is one of those situations where...you're sort of not going to be able to have control over most of it, I think.  It's good to try to prepare...but my guess is that when it actually occurs, in the heat of the moment, with emotions running high, those plans could end up out the window. 

Sigh.  That wasn't any help at all, I'm sure.

I have faith in you, Y - that you'll handle the situation if and when it comes up.  You are growing and changing, and you will deal with it as it comes, in the way that allows you to remain true to yourself and who you are.

Hugs, honey - you know how to find me if you need to talk it out.

Kim

    

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