When to expect indifference?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
When to expect indifference?
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 12:47pm

Acknowledging that everyone heals at a different pace and has had a different back story... Is there any kind of average time frame? We've been NC for many months; I've removed all removable triggers; but I am still thinking about x every day all the time and I am wondering when indifference will arrive.

I am completely indifferent to another A that I ended but I guess I was not emotionally attached to that one.

Just waiting...and waiting...and waiting!


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 2:05pm


My opinion on this is indifference isn’t something you shoot for it happens all on its own after you work through everything you need to.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 3:40pm

You make a very good point - I should try not to expect and wait for indifference. I would just like to one day not feel a 'pang' when I think of him, or have a desire to talk to him, I still really have those longing feelings for contact and hope to hear from him one day. For me, indifference will be when I just don't care or have any desire for contact. And I still very much do want that, so I have been hard on myself for not 'being there' yet.

But to answer your Q, I have improved. It is not as intense, and I credit the amount of time that has passed, the lack of contact, the life/routine changes I've gone through, etc. It is still very much 'there' though and I just dream of that day when I truly don't care anymore.

I've just been in such a 'state' about him for so long - 5 years (not a 5-year A, just known him that long). I kind of don't know myself without my feelings for him.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 6:33pm

I think your emotional involvement is the key.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 6:54pm
What E1 said.


Indifference was never my goal. Instead, my goal was and is to be as healthy as I can be, mentally and emotionally, because when I am healthy - then good things will naturally flow from that.

There really aren't any "shoulds" when it comes to that journey, for anyone, really. I think that trying to put that sort of pressure on ourselves will only prolong that journey, and make us feel worse about ourselves, like we're failing or something. And you know how I feel about *that* "f" word. :)

I know that getting to know yourself is a scary process. You've defined yourself for a long time with this person in your head - and it's completely normal to wonder who you are or who you will be without those feelings.

But, it's kind of exciting too, isn't it? Freeing? To imagine who you could be - who you would like to be - without that baggage hanging around in your mind?

I know it's scary - but I swear, there really are positives, too.




iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 7:44pm

E1 and Kim, they were both such awesome responses. I have been struggling with the whole indifference thing because I fluctuate and kim, you are right, it does make me feel like a failure when I have a few weeks of feeling distant from it all and then I am back to missing him. It makes me frustrated and drags me down.

<< I humbly suggest working towards a healthy mindset and I believe the rest will fall into place. >>

This was quite revealing for me as that feeling of indifference does seem to be there more when I am in a good place, emotionally and mentally. When life is going well and I have moments of feeling whole. But if something happens to shake that or if I am triggered, then those indifferent feelings fast dissapear. I want that escape and I am tricked into thinking xap is that escape.

misselaneous, there will come a day when it will stop being so prevelent in your mind. The feelings will begin to fade. And an excitement will bloom in your heart and mind as you start experiencing life from a healthy place again. As I just mentioned, the indifference feelings can dissapear at times but the feelings of missing and longing, don't hang around as long. I had a terrible weekend a couple of weekends ago, where I was majorly triggered and I really struggled with my feelings and wanting to contact (which I hadn't felt like doing for quite a while) but I was surprised at how quickly those feelings dissapeared once the trigger was over. Usually they hang around for a week or two before I can shake them. This time it was less then a week. Just keep moving forward. Resist the urges, remind yourself of what you really need and want for yourself and just keep giving yourself time to heal.



The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 11:21pm
I can't figure out what my missing needs are though. Really, I get everything at home. Makes me feel like it comes down to intimacy/chemistry?? Is that so motivating? Sigh. Thank you for your words. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 11:26pm
It is exciting and scary. i don't know who I am in this city without him (or thoughts of him). I miss my old life before we relocated to where we are today. I have had some struggles here and through it all I think in my mind I would always turn to him for some kind of escape and dream. For the longest it was the fantasy and wondering how I could make it happen, thinking ahead to a time when I'd get him one day, and sort of thinking of that as an end-goal. Then I 'got him' and lost him so there was no more plan, no more dream or fantasy.
However aren't I living the dream and fantasy I had before I was married, to settle down with someone great and have a family? Not sure if I am the type to ever be content. Will look forward to discussing in T next week.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 11:37pm
Exactly what you said, RTMO. I do have a lot of myself back. I am present. I am enjoying my family. I am living my life. It is not as prevalent in my mind and I know the excitement you refer to... how it is blooming lately because I am actually enjoying again. So I think I am doing better than I think...but...

It is just that while my life is feeling good to me again, and I can have those highs, I still can suddenly crash into such low lows, where the feelings just wash over me and I feel so sad and anxious and angry! And those are the moments when I come on to post because they are so uncomfortable and take me right out of my happy place. I wonder when they will stop. When they hit me I just crumble and the feelings are fresh like they were months ago. I will keep riding them out and hoping they go away because I am not sure there is anything more I can proactively do. I am so grateful for the RL relationship that I do have, I'd never want to endanger it again. My H made it through one D-Day already and has pretty much moved on, as far as I can tell. In fact it didn't seem to make much of an impact at all after the initial discovery...
It is almost as if we didn't deal with it enough together.. I should be grateful that he was so forgiving and seemingly forgetting. At times I think, Wait, why is he over it, and I am not? Like I have to catch up with H in moving on with our life. Does that make sense?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2009
Wed, 03-14-2012 - 6:24pm
I think
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Wed, 03-14-2012 - 9:47pm
For me it is also about acceptance rather than indifference. I don't know that I will ever get to the latter. But acceptance is getting closer.