Where are you

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Where are you
20
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 2:45pm

Yes, that's right - I am just gonna keep starting posts and pretending like there are no glitches or issues here and that everything is just FINE.  Also, I figure if I bug you guys enough, sooner or later, you will post just to placate me.  (I'm totally fine with that, btw.  Whatever works!)

So.  Since it is a brand new year and all of that - let's start fresh, shall we?

I have seen some of you struggling with some things, and I would like to hear where you are in the whole process.  I want to get a baseline from everyone, I mean.  Good or bad - that isn't the important thing, there is no judging that will happen.  I just want an honest assessment of where you are right now, today, and how you are.

xoxoxo

Kim

    

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 5:19pm

Mmmm, I am struggling a little bit the last few days.  Normal I think. I just attained the much-coveted Vet status, it has been a year since I last contacted xAP and almost a year since he last contacted me.

It's hard to believe, in some ways, that it is has been a year, that I have gone *that long* without speaking to him.  The longest time, by far, since we met going on 14 years ago even though we never lived in the same city and rarely saw each other.  Still, even during a 7 year period of not laying eyes on one another, we touched base at least every few months.

I am not going to lie, there is a hole where he was.  I don't think it's a "validation" hole.  I think it is a friend who really gets me on multiple levels void.

I actually had some feedback that it is not so much the validation that I may be missing.  Another man, that I was quite good friends with, albeit briefly, because he was graduating and moving back home from college when I met him, emailed me this week.  I have not seen him for 23 years.  I think we would have dated had he not already had plans to move home, and a job there.  He was quite a gentleman and to this day I appreciate that he didn't open a door that he couldn't walk through.  I always suspected that he was interested but let it be because he was moving away.

Except that now he decides to tell me how much of a crush he had on me back than and I've been in his thoughts all this time.

And even though this is a very nice looking man, with whom I also had a pretty good connection, this made me feel distinctly uncomfortable, not validated (OK, maybe for a tiny second but it passed very quickly).

So, I miss my friend in xAP.  Some days I even fantasize that we could be friends again some time.

Don't worry, I am never ever going to reach out to him.  I just need to think about all the pain, all the wondering what I ever meant, was he ever really my friend or was it his plan all along just to get into my pants or at least get his ego flattered (more likely the latter since the former didn't happen).  Most men seem to say that men are never "just friends" with women, there is alway some 'motive' there.

I don't really  miss the A, although sure I do miss the validation.  But I don't want to go back to how I felt then.  Needy and clingy (not that he would have known that, I hid it pretty well) and sooo not myself.  Guilty and ashamed.

I am never going back there and I know enough to know that I am not capable of being a real friend to him anymore.  I would freaking analyze every word and pout if he didn't make me feel special but he better not cross the line either!  It is an entirely impossible situation.

So, I *want* NC. I crave it.  I am terrified (although this seems less and less likely anyway) of him contacting me.  I've blocked what I can block but that ain't much since he moved and has new phone numbers.

I am a year of NC and 18+ months out of the A and I am still terrified of him contacting me.

 

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 6:47pm

I am in bed sick with a cold.

Whre am I on my journey you mean?  I'm a little over a year NC and 17 months since I last met xAP but right now, as in this hour, today, this week, I feel I'm at the same place as where I've been in the last year.  Treading water.  I feel better about me and feel better in my skin.  I am (finally) making my life about me, but turning off what "everyone else" thinks  should be or think I am is just soooo hard.  I feel I fit into society as much or less than when I was a bullied teen.  And those were bleak times... Life is pretty lonely right now.  I don't want to make this too depressing, I mean being alone for me is great.   l love being alone, quiet, reading a book, watching a movie, taking a walk, whatever.  To me, those things feels much better than going to a restaurant with someone, or a drink in a bar or worse a party. I also feel that I am beeing needy and straining the few friendship relationships I do have.  I also can't stop seeing all those invisible eyes (and the include yours Frown) from looking down on me and only seeing a loser who i destined to become a crazy old cat lady.

But today I am OK with becoming a crazy old cat lady.  Because people who don't like cats are the ones that are crazy and as Kim said I am NOT old.  If ever I do get old, at least I will do i while being me, not who someone else wants me to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 7:04pm

"Once a cheater always a cheater".  I have struggled with this statement all my life.  I've excused my actions by saying it was because I was married off so young.  I was only 16.  But now that I'm old, I'm still so tempted.  And there are lots of temptations out there.

Where am I?  I'm not in shape, I'm not drop dead gorgeous, I'm not that friendly, and I don't go out of my way to please people.  The friends that I have are my fiends because they tend to be subservient to me.  Although I must admit that I'm fun to be around with.  I'm funny and witty and I can liven up a boring party.  But, I'm also very selfish.

The problem?  How do I get away from temptation? 

Temptation Example1.  I have a long time friend whom I met on my Ballroom dancing days that have kept in touch with me all this time.  He's always been honest in letting me know that he has feelings for me, but he wasn't my type, so, I kept it in a friend only bases.  I'm now feeling like this might be what they call an emotional A?  Am I giving this guy mixed signals?  IDK, and I don't want to lose his friendship either.

Temptation Example2.  An old Lady friend of mine asked me to Emcee their Senior Citizen's Christmas party.  I made sure it was a blast and everyone had a good time.  There was a guy there that caught my eye and he seemed smitten with me.  I know that if I wasn't in a committed R with my BF, this guy would have been someone I would want to get to know.  He asked my lady friend for my number and called me several times....

So, the questions?  What's up with all these temptations???  As far as I can remember, I've always have them all my life.  I am most of the time quite and reserved and kept to myself, but that seems like an invitation to a man?  To be honest, getting attentions is very flattering and it makes me feel young and beautiful when someone acts "gung-hu" over me. 

But, I love my BF and I want someday to be married to him.

Okay, anyone can chime in.  Give me your honest opinion....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 11:16pm

Hallooo - here I am! 8+ months NC, 10 months since the last sighting  after a 12 yr A. Where am I? Still trudging, still haunted, still missing xAP...yet the more that I recognize that, the more I can rewind and go back to pre-A footage, pre M footage even - and ask, who am I ? What am I missing, that got put on hold for family/kids/A whatever, that still needs addressing? There is no reason on earth why one person could ever be the magic patch, so I am trying hard to understand, in everything I do, where I am not strong. xAP was a temporary distractor - I want the real thing. I am tired of being distracted from who I am.

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 9:46am

Hi Kim! Keep posting, we love having you ask us questions and giving us things to think about so that we can post and share and like Breeze said, keep grounded, it's all goodSmile

I'm in a good place right now, I am totally over xAP and have been now for a long time. The fantasy and the fog for me were already evaporating during the A, and the reality that xAP loved his W and would never leave her was always ever present and blatantly obvious, so I have never had to struggle with thoughts of what could have been, I always knew there was only ever going to be what it was, nothing more, so that simplified things for me. There was only ever one direction for me to go in, and that was the opposite direction from xAP.

My focus once I got over the A has been on me, what makes me tick, where have I gone wrong in my life, what do I need to do to be happier, nicer, better? What do I want and need? Why did I do what I did? How can I protect myself from making bad choices in my life?

Acceptance has played a huge part in the After process for me, accepting my A for what it was, accepting my mistakes and learning from them, accepting the things in my life that I cannot change, accepting myself as I am and not feeling that I have to try and be something I am not. I am not a sociable creature, I like my own company. I don't like to go out, I like to stay in. I've always felt that that makes me a bit of an oddball, that I must force myself to be more sociable, that I must go out and "have fun" to be socially acceptable and fit in, just so that when people ask what I did at the weekend I could say "I did this and I did that" and they would think I was "normal". Well, I don't do that any more, I admit happily that I enjoy having a quiet weekend at home with H relaxing and chilling out. I feel more comfortable in my own skin, I know my flaws, I know my strengths and overall I feel good about myself.

So where am I at exactly? Well I see myself dancing about in the "After Affair Healing Garden", I am learning, I am growing, I am moving forward. My A and xAP are a minimal part of my garden, like a bunch of weeds in one corner, the majority of my garden is filled with beautiful flowers, shrubs and trees, colourful, healthy and cheerful, it is me concentrating on my marriage, my role as a mother, my relationship with other members of my family, working on my feelings, specifically my need to be happy and contented, which is not my natural state, and whereas previously I spent my life feeling sorry for myself because I was not happy and contented, I have finally realised that I am in control of my own happiness and contentment, it is up to me. Choosing to be happy and contented is an option for me, appreciating the things in my life that are precious, realising how lucky I am, these are the things that I do (as much as possible) and as a consequence I am (usually) happy and contentedSmile

Love, Soglad x o x o x

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 10:00am

Please Kim..continue to ask away! It's nice to see a little activity back on this board!

Okay..where am I? I am  doing okay. Really. H is still sick but is in a temporary remission (he has colon cancer)...so that is good...the remission..not the cancer.

xAP's birthday is Tuesday. I am glad to not be a part of that..but will be relieved when Tuesday is over..sort of a weird trigger..just looming there. As I stated earlier in another thread, wondering if I spend too much time on these boards and need to take a little hiatus...but dang. It does keep me a little grounded. So I strive for balance.

After my 3 day hibernation in bed (which was so wonderful, by the way) I have resumed life in my cocoon of community center, home and prison. Think I am staying in this cocoon for a bit. Surrounding myself with people of all ages with such strong spirits is good for me. A daily reminder of the strength of the human spirit.

I spent most of last year asking those questions that Daisy was talking about..and found some answers..that while they stung and stung deep at first have answered so many questions in my identity. ?'s I sometimes didn't even know I had..that now..I feel free to really deal with the issues of the here and now.

Mainly my strong need for affection...both to give and receive..mixed with my risk-taking and reckless nature. And recognizing that it is up to me to direct that emotional wiring of mine in positive directions. Otherwise? Well..don't want to repeat history in any form. 

Quick edit here..as I was driving into work this morning I started thinking about secrecy..in all of this. And how part of what I miss is having a secret. Not like bad secret.(although A was definately a bad secret)...but a part of my life that was mine...that no one in my family knew about..could comment on.... Selfish..I know.

Also..how Wednesdays are still hard for me sometimes..because there is that gap..in the time I secretly spent with xAP...so..I am seriously considering volunteering on Wednesday mornings at the local homeless shelter (where many of my Center kids live)..but..you know..not telling anyone. (other than here) Sort-of my own personal secret..only no one gets hurt. Essentially replacing the time I regularly spent with xAP in a soup kitchen. Maybe getting the opportunity to know some of the parents of some of the kids I work with..over weekly cups of coffee.

Truly am glad to see some activity here on this board again.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 6:35pm
Some of you may remember me. I'm just 15 days out of a 2 year affair, my longest count of NC. I tried to leave SO many times only to be sucked back in, or initiating contact to win him back. I won't be doing that again, I think I finally woke up from the fantasy world, and I know "we" will never be, it was never an option, only my own wishing and going fueling the will to continue. It was wrong, it hurt, it basically tore me apart, and I can no longer continue down this self destructive road. I miss him, I loved him, and I'm hurting, but I know that eventually it will get easier if I just give it time. So that's where I'm at, 15 days NC and lurking here constantly :) keep the posts coming, they are so helpful!

Sometimes love just isn't enough.... NC since 7-30-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 11:18pm
Hi everyone. Have not posted in a while but I do visit! It was good to see your status updates and see where you are. So much of what you say rings true to me. As for me it has been several months of NC (I never heard from xAP again after our DDay). I am much better than those early days. The first two months were agony. Then I realized I had a life without him. But I still find that I have bad days now and again. The last few days, for instance. I miss him...wonder if he misses me...cry a little sometimes. The whole deal. But then I try to stop it and stay busy. Concentrate on DH or kids or work. Life has gotten better but unfortunately xAP still occupies way too much of my head space. I long for the day that I can go days without thinking of him. It's maddening and frustrating that I am not there yet. Thanks for listening! As always, tips and positive thoughts welcome!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 12:19am
Where am I? It depends on the hour, my feelings and thoughts are changing constantly, right this very minute I am ok I feel good, it's 35deg C and I am laying by our pool feeling alive, however as I check my phone and the boards here I question myself?? Are these boards just a way of replacing xap? Do I post on here purely looking for the attention I no longer receive from xap? Is it that I won't have truly ended it until I end all ties including the talking about him and reliving the A constantly on these boards???
Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 11:26am
Still here, still struggling.

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