Where are you

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Where are you
20
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 2:45pm

Yes, that's right - I am just gonna keep starting posts and pretending like there are no glitches or issues here and that everything is just FINE.  Also, I figure if I bug you guys enough, sooner or later, you will post just to placate me.  (I'm totally fine with that, btw.  Whatever works!)

So.  Since it is a brand new year and all of that - let's start fresh, shall we?

I have seen some of you struggling with some things, and I would like to hear where you are in the whole process.  I want to get a baseline from everyone, I mean.  Good or bad - that isn't the important thing, there is no judging that will happen.  I just want an honest assessment of where you are right now, today, and how you are.

xoxoxo

Kim

    

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 8:55pm

Hi, everyone. I'm doing OK. I haven't talked to my xAP in almost 6 months now, but he still occupies quite a bit of my thoughts. I wish he'd go away!! I'm afraid I'll run into him at work (which has only happened twice, but he's hid from me). But I guess I'll just have to stay strong.

I am focused on my life and my child, and I am much happier than I was a few months ago. I stillI find what my xAP did impossible to understand. I think of him as an immature person who doesn't really know himself very well and who doesn't really care about how his actions affect others. Actually, he even confessed to having no empathy and being very selfish, so I realize I didn't exactly miss out here. But still, his actions were so cruel that it still amazes me how I could've been so misled.

So I try to move forward. My life is calm, and for the most part, I am happy.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 4:18pm

We'll talk more in a bit - but in the meantime, anyone else want to chime in?

Love from your pesky CL -

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2013
Tue, 01-08-2013 - 9:24pm
Used to post here under a diff name. I haven't posted in several years. I am 3 years post break up. After the affair was discovered, my AP's marriage fell apart. We ended up together. We were together for 5 years before he cheated and left me for someone else. The 1st few years were good. Then the issues started. He cheated on me several times. Could never prove it, but I knew. He resorted to lie, deny, make her think she is crazy. I became so depressed. Where did the man of my dreams go? Where we were once headed for marriage and a family, he suddenly wanted neither. When we broke up, he left me for 1 AP. But there may have been a few at the same time. One of those women got me fired from my job. I was left penniless, due to job loss. Moved into dad's, which sucked. And ty to the big mouthed AP's, my reputation in the community was ruined. So here I am 3 years later, rebuilt, happy, healthy, and doing very well professionaly. But i still resent him. He got engaged 6 months post hreakup. I have not had an LTR since him. He still messages me on messenger occasionally under assumed names, trying to see what is up in my life. I hate he does that. Ugh! Some days i feel so moved on, others I feel stuck in the past.
Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 01-09-2013 - 1:02pm

I am much better than when I responded earlier, thanks for asking ;).  Curiosity didn't kill this cat, but it did get her really wobbly for a while.  The lingering cold/flu thing wasn't helping me from having a pity party.  I got to realize that I had not fully completely let go.  I was still holding onto an A thread.  I had kept this in a dark little room in my brain:

I could get up at 5AM on any weekday, drive an hour to his place of business, and easily resume the A, or whatever was left of it.  I had that power.  I knew of course, that I would never take that route, I am so far away from the woman who chose that route, it almost seems like another lifetime, another me that had went that route in the past.  Still, that option was always there, whether I wanted to acknowledge that I had kept that option open or not. 

And now, his business is closed, all the equipment is for sale and he will likely move thousands of miles away.  It's gone, I've lost that power.  It's like there are multiple steps to the reality that it's over for good and this as shown me that it wasn't, there was still something I was holding onto.

I'm still working through the wobbliness.  I tried spinning it, as Kim suggested, but I have a hard time doing that without harboring negative feelings about him.  He was very good at making me feel inferior and inadequate.  I know that is a reflection of him than me, but can't shake the competitive thing and wanting to compare my life to his.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Wed, 01-09-2013 - 2:04pm
Happy, I can really relate on this, as I am sure can many others. I ended the A. Me, I did it. I needed to do it. Despite all his waffling, and self-protection, and guilt, I was the one who had to end it. Then 4 weeks later, when we were "just friends", he told me he was moving across the country, his W had gotten her dream job offer. That was what landed me here. I was floored. A week later, I went NC.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 7:05pm

 Hi Kim hope you had a nice Christmas and New Year hope you are well :). I'm doing better was really sick there for awhile now I am getting over it. I am just learning to deal with the fact that xap will never leave me alone. He sneaks up on me and asks me questions all the time like why am I giving my dog bath and he tells me I look good in front of one of his friends and tells his friend that I know it out loud. Then he tries and befriends my parents and checks up on me. Stuff like that it's creepy but I know that it is also very childish on his part for being twice my age. I am just learning to ignore it. Hopefully my hubby will find a job and we will be able to save and get out of here. Other than that my hubby and I are doing good connecting and laughing again with him. So yeah pretty much the same I just kepp on keepin on :)

Peace Love Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 9:29pm
I am so behind in the boards. This was a good post to return to because I am able to see how a lot of you are doing. My work has been way too busy to get in the site and when I can check at night on mobile, the site is still just so slow and difficult to navigate on my phone that I haven't come on at all really. Life has also been a little rough these days and I've had a lot on my mind other than xap. Of course the difficulties make me want to find a way to contact him, it's the escape thing. And I still daydream and have trigger moments. But I don't think of him as much regularly anymore. Sometimes I miss the 'old me' that had affairs and was disconnected from reality. But I feel rehabilitated. I'm 5 months full NC meaning no sent messages. But almost 20 months since last in person meeting. And about 16 months since he last replied to me. I've responded to fishing from 2 other 'inappropriate' men that have been in my life. Nothing bad happened other than Web based conversation. No live contact. So I've been pretty good.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 3:57pm

And...I suppose I should answer my own question, huh.  :)

I'm 5 1/2 years out from d-day.  And I am happy, and I am healthy, and I am healed.  I am comfortable in my own skin, and I am more accepting of myself than I think I've ever been in my life.  I am not perfect, far from it.  But I work on the things that I can, and I take each day as it comes, and do my best to make it a good day.

Yes, it's that optimism thing I have - my naturally sunny, bright-side personality.  But it's also about being okay with having good days, and about being okay with being happy.

My past is in my past.  I won't forget it, but I don't let it rule my present, or impact my choices now.  Just because I always did this or that doesn't have to mean that I WILL always.  I have the power to make different choices.  And no one can take that away unless I let them.

There are still triggers that happen, this far out.  For me, for DH, in our rebuilding process, they still happen.  But they have lost much of their power, and they pass.

It all just takes time, and work, and distance.  I'm lucky that I've got all three of those things going on for me.  And with every day that passes for each of you - you have those things too.

Keep the faith, you guys.

xoxoxo

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Sun, 02-03-2013 - 11:20pm
Kim!! I am here, at home, missing everyone here!! :( Where am I in terms of the aftermath of being in a stinky, filthy A-hole? I am WHOLE again. No more shell of a me, trying to secretly keep my whereabouts hidden or my texts hidden, trying to "help" some God-forsaken random dude who paid attention to me or the other random dude from my past who I happened to "reconnect" with through FB. I am healing. I am well on my journey. In just 20 days, it will be 2 full years since the Discovery Day when the random dude turned me in and vanished out of my life FOREVER. And the day my M took a new path - one that would be never be forgotten. Both H and I have had our ups and downs, our good times and not so good times, but overall I would say that it has been worth the fight. I am not married to some God-forsaken random dude, that is for darn certain. :) He is a strong, loving, and committed man who is willing to be the best H he can be. I know this M will never be perfect. I know what my boundaries are with other men. I have learned them. I never want to be so prideful to say that this will "never happen", so I am always aware and continue to strive to communicate effectively with H about struggles I may have. And I will have them. So far, I have not "missed" the random guy or the one I picked up on FB. Thank goodness. And I am also very thankful that I have not had a random run-in with the random man (he lives in my town), but I do have a co-worker who I found out through talking with him that he went to school with this man. (He is also in the music circles here in town as I and random man were). This co-worker made a funny comment about the random man...he said "that guy was a really strange character." Yep. Had to agree. No funny feelings or twinges of "love" or "butterflies" ran through me. I just agreed and thought of him as a random man. Not even xap. Because while yes, he is my xap, he is more of a random man than ever before. And I am okay with that. :) And that is where I am, Kim. Thanks so much for asking!! ;) Heartsofsix
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 02-04-2013 - 11:09am

Hearts!

I've missed you too!  :)

Wow, you are coming up on the two-year mark...that's another big milestone!  Congrats, sweet pea!

It sounds like you're doing really well, Hearts - and I am so happy to hear that.

Love,

Kim

    

Pages