Why do I feel bad for protecting myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
Why do I feel bad for protecting myself?
7
Sat, 05-31-2014 - 5:31pm

I'm feeling very down this week over how I handled attempted contact from the man with whom I was in the affair. More than a month ago, I heard from him after I long period of silence. He said he's in the States for a couple of months (he lives in another country and we have never met in person). He hinted, like he always does when he travels to North America, that he would like to work out a meeting between us. Not only do I not want this, and not only do I know it would be completely destructive, I also know it probaby wouldn't happen if I agreed to it. I've been down this road with him a lot of times. He talks like he's serious about meeting me, but something always happens in the 11th houir to scrap everything. He's like Lucy to my Charlie Brown with the proverbial football he swears he will hold still this time when I run up to kick it. Like an idiot, I come around to believing it and running up for the kick. Of course he snatches the ball away as my foot comes toward it and I fall down hard on my ass...and I feel like a fool. I know that not meeting him is really good and lucky for me. Even so, I feel horribly rejected and crushed....and I hate myself for falling for it one more time.

From what he told me when he last called, I knew he ought to be leaving by the end of the week, so I figured I could breathe a little easier. But he did call me....on Tuesday. He wanted to talk before he left the States (and he all but confirmed he;s seeing a woman here which he knows makes me nuts). For some reason, I actually stayed on the phone with him for about 10 (maybe 15) minutes, talking. Then he switched to the topic of sex and started saying filty things. I said some terribly abusive things to him and slammed the phone down. He tried to call back a few minutes later. Instead of letting it ring, I picked it up and yelled into the phone "Go f yourself, pervert! You/re good at that!" and hungup on him, again. I think I was right to hang up on him, and he's been enough of a d*ck to me that I need not feel guilty for saying mean thin gs to hom. Even so, what I did has not brought me peace or comfort. I feel rotten. I actually feel guilty and bad for doing that to him. Don't ask me why. I havew no idea. I've cried a lot over it this week. I've had trouble sleepimg, going over it in my head. I guess there's no easy way out. I'll just have to feel bad a while and wait it out. I'm sure eventually, the bad feelings will fade.Right now, though, I feel like crap. Foo!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 05-31-2014 - 11:46pm

You never met him, so what kind of "affair" is that?  Are you married or in a relationship?  Is he married or in a relationship?  He says he lives in another country, so it must have been an on line relationship........and from your description he's some kind of game player.  He wants to meet you, but at the last minute calls it off?  Exactly how much do you know about this man?  Are you sure he lives in another country?  Have you ever even seen him face to face, like on Skype?  Have you ever heard of a show or movie called "Catfishing"?  That's what it sounds like. He told you he's seeing another woman in the US, and that breaks your heart?  Why?  He sounds like a horrible person, and he's just using you for sexual gratification.  I think you're feeling bad because you were in some kind of fantasy world over this guy......and now you cut him off, and there goes your fantasy.  If you're not married, you need to get off the computer and get out and meet real men, not some fantasy.  You've lost nothing but a man who has been playing with your mind and heart......for his own twisted gratification.  Stop feeling bad, and start feeling good about yourself......you got rid of a pervert!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
Sun, 06-01-2014 - 3:15am

Thanks Fissatore. Yes, I am married. Yes, I met the guy online. It progressed to phone calls and videoconferencing, so I have seen him face to face in that sense. I have called him numerous times, so I know he lives in another country, and he calls me. It shows up on the caller ID as a call from that country. So there is no catfish, but is most definitely a FU'd relationship. Yes, it almost broke up my marriage. Even though we never met physically, you can believe me that it was far from innocent. It was torrid. if you want to know more, see the thread titled "Hate that I let him get to me". Or, don't if you're not interested.

Yes he is a player and a pervert. He is not a person of good character or moral fiber. It's been over for a long time, although he contacts me occasionally. Usually, I tell him to go away, and usually he does....for a while. But he always seems to turn up again eventually, like a bad penny. Because I won't do what he wants, he gets his kicks from tormenting me emotionally. Why do I care? That's a question to which I have no answer. Why am I jealous when he drops "accidental" hints that he meets up with other women he's met online? It's ridiculous. It's insane. Nonetheless, these are my twisted feelings. No one is more furious with me over this absurdity than me. He was being a creep on the phone when I told him off and hung up on him. Certainly I was justified. Yet, what I did brings me no comfort or sense of victory. I feel really crappy about it but I don't know why. I don't really expect anyone else to have answers for me. I hope that by talking about it in a safe place, the bad feelings will dissipate. That sometimes works. That's why I posted about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 06-01-2014 - 11:32am

I think maybe you're just being hard on yourself as a way of assuaging your guilty conscience.  Isn't there a way to block him from your phone and any other form of contact?  If it almost broke up your marriage, then obviously your husband knows about it.  How IS your marriage?  Do you want to save or fix your marriage?  Usually an affair, real or otherwise is because something is missing in a person's life.  Since almost ending your marriage, have you worked on your marriage to fix whatever the problems were?  There has to be a reason you feel bad about being rude to someone who is nothing but a heartache to you.  It's normal to feel bad about "telling someone off".........for a short time, but when that person keeps coming back into your life, it keeps upsetting you over and over.  You really need to stop him from doing that.  Change your phone number.  Change your computer screen name(s).  Obliterate any way of him finding you so that you can just forget about him and get on with your life.  Get some counseling with or without your husband if that's what it will take.  Being involved in any way with this guy is like taking the stitches out of a half healed wound.  It will never heal completely until you end it completely. 

I was married to a man who was an alcoholic, a cheater, mean and nasty to me and our sons, and I finally divorced him after 20 years of marriage.  He was a miserable unhappy man, and I was glad to be rid of him.  BUT, I also felt bad, sad, sorry for him, etc.  But then I realized I wasn't feeling bad for him, I was feeling bad for myself, bad that I'd made a really bad choice in a man, bad that I wasn't going to live "happily ever after" and bad that I hadn't done it sooner.  I got over that real fast, and never looked back.  You need to do the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 06-02-2014 - 1:32pm

I knew someone who did that to me..while being in a relationship he would call me late at night..me thinking that I'm being a good friend by being there for this person...excepted the calls.It was just to chat.I would have done that for my other friends too.Anyways I found out he was still in a relationship that he had told me that he wasn't in anymore.All that time he had wanted me to go over to his house and have wine...He is a cheater and liar.For whatever reason he used my genuine friendship to get his kicks.It was a very hurtful and mean thing to do and to this day I am STILL feeling the hurt and betrayal....You did the RIGHT thing by cussing him out.I wish I would have left my creep of a fake lying cheating friend a long time ago and cussed him out to boot but it didn't end that way for me. You shouldn't feel bad for protectiing yourself.I think you feel bad for knowing that you're married and carrying on online with this guy the way that you did.That's what is making you feel bad.Hey at least you can move on from that person for good. You seem to have a good spirit and character..you do know wrong from right and DO care...so you'll be find in the end.It will take some time but take it one day at a time...

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 06-02-2014 - 2:53pm

I went back and read your original thread. So you let him have it when he called. Maybe he deserved it. You feel bad about it. It's all understandable. Maybe the bigger question is why do you keep answering his calls?

I know the affairs are like drugs, it's an addiction. All anyone says is the best advice to get over it completely is No-Contact. Of course its always very tempting to reestablish contact, get a status report, whats' he up to these days, but I think you really have to resist even what you might think will be an innocent call. It just serves to stir things up all over again.

Honestly when you described about how he had made plans for other visits in the past and then always cancelled them, and that he was again saying he was going to be in the country and would like to meet, it really sounded to me like you would actually meet with him if it was set up and he showed up. I think that is just another sign that having any sort of contact with him at all is very dangerous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Wed, 08-13-2014 - 2:36pm

If you're still engaging with him, this isn't actually 'After the Affair' for you. Do not answer any further calls. In fact, block him on your phone and delete any e-mail account(s) he uses to contact you. NNC = NNH (no new contact = no new hurt) ((HUGS)) You can do it!

I'm a runner...it isn't just what I do; it's who I am!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Fri, 10-17-2014 - 4:24pm

Belitzer, you feel this way over someone you never met in person. For all you know he can be a woman. He's probably doing a Catfish and is a 20 year old girl having her kicks out of wheeling you in and watching you fall and hurt over a person you never physically met. You like the illusion of him, you have this fantasy of this wonderful, mysterious stranger. He is none of those things. He is just someone behind a computer screen who laughs his butt off every time he plans to meet you and is MIA. You're a joke to him and you deserve more than broken promises. Please see this as a blessing and know your worth. Delete him from your life. You are wasting valuable time and energy on someone who plays with your heart and mind and gets kicks out of it. Wishing you the best!