Why do I feel bad for protecting myself?
Find a Conversation
|Sat, 05-31-2014 - 5:31pm|
I'm feeling very down this week over how I handled attempted contact from the man with whom I was in the affair. More than a month ago, I heard from him after I long period of silence. He said he's in the States for a couple of months (he lives in another country and we have never met in person). He hinted, like he always does when he travels to North America, that he would like to work out a meeting between us. Not only do I not want this, and not only do I know it would be completely destructive, I also know it probaby wouldn't happen if I agreed to it. I've been down this road with him a lot of times. He talks like he's serious about meeting me, but something always happens in the 11th houir to scrap everything. He's like Lucy to my Charlie Brown with the proverbial football he swears he will hold still this time when I run up to kick it. Like an idiot, I come around to believing it and running up for the kick. Of course he snatches the ball away as my foot comes toward it and I fall down hard on my ass...and I feel like a fool. I know that not meeting him is really good and lucky for me. Even so, I feel horribly rejected and crushed....and I hate myself for falling for it one more time.
From what he told me when he last called, I knew he ought to be leaving by the end of the week, so I figured I could breathe a little easier. But he did call me....on Tuesday. He wanted to talk before he left the States (and he all but confirmed he;s seeing a woman here which he knows makes me nuts). For some reason, I actually stayed on the phone with him for about 10 (maybe 15) minutes, talking. Then he switched to the topic of sex and started saying filty things. I said some terribly abusive things to him and slammed the phone down. He tried to call back a few minutes later. Instead of letting it ring, I picked it up and yelled into the phone "Go f yourself, pervert! You/re good at that!" and hungup on him, again. I think I was right to hang up on him, and he's been enough of a d*ck to me that I need not feel guilty for saying mean thin gs to hom. Even so, what I did has not brought me peace or comfort. I feel rotten. I actually feel guilty and bad for doing that to him. Don't ask me why. I havew no idea. I've cried a lot over it this week. I've had trouble sleepimg, going over it in my head. I guess there's no easy way out. I'll just have to feel bad a while and wait it out. I'm sure eventually, the bad feelings will fade.Right now, though, I feel like crap. Foo!