Why does it hurt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2013
Why does it hurt?
13
Sat, 11-23-2013 - 8:34am

I had an affair for almost 4 years. It was always a somewhat casual thing where we never talked about a future together. That was fine with me because I felt like we each had things going on that would prevent us from ever being able to be together seriously. Also, I was not the first person he had ever had an affair with so.....obviously I'd NEVER be able to trust him. He was just my fun distraction and I got a lot of attention from him. We texted almost every day. I only had one rule and that was that I didn't want him to tell anyone, ever. I had to stalk him sometimes on social media because I would see he would make mistakes that might get him in trouble. He was not the smartest when it came to avoiding getting caught. So in Sept a week went by when I did not hear from him. I got annoyed and sent him a mean text and he wrote back saying sorry but things got complicated on his end. So, to me, that meant maybe he was having issues with his wife and he wanted to cool it. Ok, fine. But then an entire month goes by and I don't hear from him. Now I'm pissed because I'm thinking after everything, don't you have the decency to just say it's over or tell me what happened. So, I delete him from my FB which I knew would hurt him (things like that really bother him). 2 weeks later, I finally get a long text from him that says when he stopped texting me in Sept it was because he went out with someone from work and they talked about relationships and something clicked and he realized right then that while I was filling a void for him, I wasn't enough and he really needed a relationship from this woman and not just an affair. So then (probably because I wasn't there to remind him not to be a dummy), his wife saw a text he got from this new woman and kicked him out of the house. Then he got closer to the new woman and told her about his affair with me in order to be honest with her and start a clean slate. WTF I asked him why he would do that to me and he said he can't help it, he fell in love with her and doesn't want to lose her so he's going to do everything he can to be honest so it works with her. I said I didn't want her to know me because if she ever suspects anything, I don't want her coming my way and he said that she is awesome and doesn't want any drama and that it was HER idea that he even let me know what was going on. Oh, and that she was concerned that as some sort of revenge I might turn around and tell his wife about him and I (which I would never do). I told him when it all goes bad, he better understand that he can't come back to me at all and he said it won't go bad because this new woman is amazing, anything but boring and young. I looked her up on FB and I see that she has a toddler and was married (actually it says that she is still married but he said they are almost done with their divorce). He has 2 kids and they have major financial problems, and the new woman is 12 years younger than him so I just feel like this "amazing" woman is going to have some issues with him. So on one hand, I think he is a loser, I think he will eventiually cheat on this woman or (worse) contact me to get back together. On the other hand, I can't believe after all this time, he couldn't do the one thing I asked and just not tell anyone. It also hurts that he is willing to do anything to keep her. I'm constantly curious what is so special about her. And then I noticed he blocked me from FB. Why? We already weren't friends, I can only imagine it's because she asked him to. I'll sit here thinking are they having amazing sex, is he doing fun things with her that I should have tried, etc. Why does it hurt when half of my brain thinks he is a loser? I'm also wondering if he's really going to get a divorce. If I were his wife, I would file right away after this, but something tells me he's going to try and arrange it so he can be with both like he was doing with me. He told me I shold delete his contact info from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to contact him and he would do the same. That hurt, I don't really know why. But, I mean...he's a loser, right?? Why does it hurt??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 11-23-2013 - 10:36am

It hurts because he rejected you in favor of someone else.  I don't know why you'd be surprised.  You knew that you weren't his first affair, and you hoped you'd be his last.  The man is a serial cheater and you should have known/expected that.  The reason it hurts is because you, like most women, think that you will be THE one, no matter what his past history, so you allowed yourself to fantasize that one day he'd come to you and tell you that he has left his wife and will spend eternity with you.  You SAY it was "casual" but admit to yourself that you wanted more, and hoped for more.  The new one probably thinks the same thing.  You even stalked him to keep him from making a "mistake"?  Or to make sure he wasn't cheating on you, too?  There's an old adage, if they cheat WITH you, they'll cheat ON you.  If they don't respect their marriage, how can they be expected to respect an affair partner?  You didn't lose him because you never had him.

You didn't say if you're in a relationship or you're married.  Whether you are or not, it will stop hurting when you're honest with yourself and admit that he's not worth the time you're wasting with him, and now mourning over him.  You need to get out in the world, and you need to get your life in order......and if you're single, you need to look for a man that's not attached to someone else, a man you can trust.  There are lots of them out there.    Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2013
Sat, 11-23-2013 - 10:59am

Yes, I stalked him to make sure he was being smart because he could be a real dummy about some things (like updating a status near my house so it shows up he was out here, etc). I didn't want him to get caught because honestly, I just didn't want it to get messy. I really mean that. If his marriage was going to disolve, then so be it, but I didn't want it to be only because of ME. I really didn't think he would ever leave his wife and come tell me he would be with me forever. I liked him for certain things, but I don't think he could ever really support anyone and he just wasn't a man that you could respect in real life. In our little fantasy world, he was just fun.  I didn't hope to be his last affair, but you are right that it hurts to know there is someone else and that she is young, fun, amazing, all of the adjectives that he used to describe her when I didn't even ask. If it was going to end, I would miss it and that's that but I'd rather just have him say he wanted to stop and I didn't really need to know about anyone else. I am still stunned why he had to tell me how great she is, I did not do anything to him for him to get spiteful. Now I know that he is doing things with her that he did with me and now I have a face of who she is, I am just hurt. He's right that I was never going to give him a relationship. I'm sure he's lying about the timeline with her too, but even if it is true, that's a very short time to think you are in love with someone. I am sure she is in for a world of hurt though because even if he can get it together to be with her like a normal person, there's his wife, his kids and her kids to contend with and it's just not going to be easy.  It also hurts because I do not have the best life due to some other things and getting his little texts and the attention he would give me was something to look forward to. Now I have nothing and it hurts. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-23-2013 - 3:00pm

If you realize now that you have nothing and the best thing that you did have was an affair w/ a married man, then this is the opportunity for you to change your life.  Of course it will hurt for some time but is this really what you wanted for your future?  Having to sneak around, montior him and be with someone you consider a loser?  How about looking for a man that you really can be with?  Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2013
Sat, 11-23-2013 - 5:18pm

It's not the best thing I did but it did fill my time and some other things that I needed. I am doing the no contact (and apparently so is he), but it is hard. Even after 4 years, my stomach would still flutter when I'd see a text from him. I want to text him, but I feel like I will look foolsih because he's all happy with his new life and I don't fit. It's like he died.  I think his life is crazy, I would not want an ex spouse, 2 kids, a younger lover with a toddler and nowhere to live but it hurts me that he has no pain and does not miss me. We have taken breaks before and I have deleted him from FB before, but he's never blocked me before so I know this time this is it. It helps to remind myself all of the things I don't like about him and how much of a loser he is on paper. But, he's the only one who showed interest in me so loser or not, it's all that I had. I just read that some people say it takes twice as long as the affair was to get over. I certainly hope not! I cannot bear 8 YEARS of this torture. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2013
Sun, 11-24-2013 - 10:58am

You know what? (and yes I realize I'm talking to myself here) I just realized something.  I thought he meant he was getting a divorce but via some things I've seen online, I don't think he is.  I am wondering if he did get caught with the text from her, got in trouble, and is trying to make things right with his wife, but has to tell me something to also stop with me (because his wife is going to be on him) so he's making himself look better by saying he needs to stop because he is in love with someone else like he has this great future ready to go. Oh my god. I think that's why he was so defensive, because he was lying about most of it. I bet that is why he blocked me on FB so I can't see that he is still with his family. That is so him. Ok, well that just pushed me up about 25% to the next level of feeling slightly better. I guess I am thankful he got caught....lol. His stories never add up and I don't have enough information to figure out where he is lying with this, but I am satisfied knowing that it just doesn't add up. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 11-24-2013 - 3:13pm

Instead of spending all this time wondering WHY..........Why did he find someone new, why is she younger, why did he have to tell me all about her, and what they did together........stop and THINK!  He did all those things because HE has a problem.  He see his own worth in his abiltiy to pick up women.....and have them do what you did......devote themselves to taking care of him in one way or another.  He isn't a special needs person, but you felt you had to protect him.  He was your "mission" in life" and it hurts that he no longer needs you to help him thru life.  And he even felt it necessary to tell you all about it......so that YOU would know what a special man he is (or thinks he is).  And trust me, if this new woman gets sick of him quickly, which she might, he will come running back to you.......and if you respect yourself at ALL........you will NOT take him back!  As I said in my other post, if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you!  Whatever the other things in your life are that make you feel unhappy, get rid of them, too.  You need to concentrate on yourself, on what you can do to make life better......you can't depend on someone like him to make you happy.  He's not a happy person......he can't help himself, so how can he possibly help you.  He's almost like a drug for you.......and if you're addicted to drugs, you have to first WANT to be free of them, and then work on making your life better without them.  If you have no family or close friends that will "be there" for you......then you need to find like minded people to associate with.  Join clubs, take classes at the community college.......do SOMETHING to make your life better.  No one can do that but you!  He doesn't care about your life, you have to care about yourself, first and foremost.  All the energy you put into looking out for him, trying to protect him, you have to concentrate on yourself now.  Love yourself first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2013
Sun, 11-24-2013 - 9:10pm

Your post is so wonderful. I could cry. Everything you are saying is right. I love hearing how much of a loser he is...lol, it somehow helps. I actually have background in special needs, so umm, yeah I think i really was doing that. I want to love myself but it's sort of hard right now because I feel so angry at myself for feeling so bad. I've sent little messages to myself on my phone for future days reminding me not to take him back and why in case he does happen to pop back up. I am very fearful that will happen just because there are so many crazy dynamics happening with him right now (if he is telling the truth) and if he did get divorced, his first fight with his new woman will probably send him into a "I ended my marriage for you" rage. Plus...if she has even half of a brain, she is going to start seeing the things I saw about him that were not quite right. I am so crazy about it right now that I've even envisioned answering him with the same story he gave me "Oh I'm sorry, i found someone younger and he is amazing. I don't want to lose him so I can't have any contact with you. I fell in love with him!" Oh I would SO love to do that. Maybe it wouldn't even bother him since he'll probably just find his next victim the next day. But to reject him would feel amazing. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 11-24-2013 - 11:52pm

You need to FORGET about him.  You need to stop thinking about revenge.  You need to BLOCK him from communicating with you!  You have to stop thinking about him in any way!  Now you're worrying about the new woman......he's her problem now, neither of them should concern you at all.  You're angry at yourself for feeling bad for him?  You have to start feeling BAD for yourself  for wasting time on this jerk.  He is where he is and believe me he's NOT sitting there feeling bad for hurting you!  He's a sociopath and  sociopaths don't know the meaning of empathy and they don't care about anyone but themselves.  You have to find something to keep you occupied NOW.........and keep your mind busy with GOOD things.  Do things to keep busy.....go to the gym, take up running, just do anything but sit around and think!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2013
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 2:39pm

He already blocked me from FB and I deleted him from my phone and I never knew his number by heart so I only have his e-mail left and I am guessing if he thought to delete me from FB then he probably blocked me from his e-mail as well. I try to keep busy but during my loneliest hours, my brain goes to what happened. I know he doesn't feel bad for me at all because in the past when we've taken breaks for one reason or another, he's always checked in on me but not this time. Since he has someone new I think he probably wishes I would just vanish so he wouldn't have to worry about hearing from me again. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2013
Wed, 11-27-2013 - 11:38am

So after a few horrible days, I am finally getting to the point where I'm realizing that the only thing I liked about him, was that he liked me (or seemed to, you know). It's just so hard to think I can be not missed, forgotten and replaced. I just  thought I was more interesting and worth knowing. And that is the hurdle I couldn't get over. I think he might actually be a sociopath because I looked up the symptoms, and some things that always bothered me about him was that he never seemed to understand when people were insulting him and he liked to preach about so many things that he did the opposite of. He also always exaggerated his acomplishments, his job and his social status. I'll give him one acheivement...he did a number on me!

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