Will I ever be enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Will I ever be enough?
24
Wed, 02-01-2012 - 7:48pm

I have been struggling with this since I broke with BF. I have been asking myself, why wasn't I enough for him to want to be with me and get divorced? Is there anything I could have done to have changed this? Why is that it has never worked out with the men that I have loved? There has only been 3, including BF. Why is that I have never been enough for any of them? What is it about me that isn't deserving of being loved completely?

I was just reading a response from Kim under "How do I get past comparing". This part of her response just hit my like a ton a bricks: I think I had to settle in to the idea that it's okay to be enough in my own mind, and that I am the one who can best define what that "enough" really is. Letting other people define whether or not I am enough...well, I've done that before, and funny, even when they said I was, I was never able to truly believe it. So it was a losing battle, from the start.

I wish I could get to that point in my life that I could just accept the fact that I am enough for me. Will I ever get to that point? If I ever get involved with anyone else, will I be able to know it and accept them for their word? Will I ever win the battle? Will I ever allow myself again to be with someone without these thoughts running through my mind? Right now, because of my past relationships, I feel that I am meant to be alone forever because I will never be enough for that one person. Even to accept myself as being enough within myself. Am I broken for good?


Pages

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 02-01-2012 - 9:57pm
ITD sweetheart...

You know that I have been around the boards for a loooooong while, right? And in all of that time - I can say with absolute certainty that I have never, EVER seen any poster that I consider truly broken or beyond repair.

Ever.

You will not be the first.

You can get there. You will get there. I believe this with all of my heart. But - it isn't important that *I* believe it.

It's important that YOU start to believe it.

And there is no real reason why you shouldn't believe it - because it's totally true.

You are enough. You are enough right now - scars and bruises and all. They don't diminish you in any way. You are *already* enough, ITD.

You define yourself. No one else.

Hugs, sweetie.

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2012
Wed, 02-01-2012 - 10:16pm
I don't have any advice for you, because I couldve written your post nearly word for word. I have never been enough to myself, and i don't know how people get to that point of self fulfillment. My T says its through developing a career, or calling, or whatever it is your heart is longing to do (but not related to relationships). Easier said than done, when you don't have that part figured out. So I guess what I'm saying here, is that I hear you, and you're not the only one in the boat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Wed, 02-01-2012 - 10:34pm
ITD....I wish I knew more of your background. I will go back and look when I have more time. But I do want you to know that not so long ago...I felt just like you. And what I found out was, that I had spent a whole bunch of time with people who made me feel like I was not enough. Because I was already "weak" in the "I am worthy" department, being around these people sent me over the edge. I actually had a breakdown. The hardest thing I ever did in my life was to walk away from these people. NO ONE but YOU determines your self worth. Repeat, repeat again. So, before knowing your whole story, I just want to say...think about walking and blocking these people from your life. It's hard. Very hard. But you can do it and we are here to help. ((hugs)) Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Thu, 02-02-2012 - 8:47pm
ITD and Rain, One of the great things about these boards is realizing that you are not alone. You are feeling things that so many of us feel or have felt, and we can't ALL be not good enough right? Rain, I have to disagree with your T. While finding a career you are passionate about can be fulfilling, if you then base your self -worth on that and it doesn't work out, where does that leave you? It needs to come from the inside not the outside. So try not to put so much pressure on yourself to find your calling right this second. I totally get where you guys are coming from as I fight against similar feelings, so I'll just offer hugs and lots of positive, affirming vibes. Hugs, Lulu
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 1:22pm

Maybe I may not be broken when it comes to my family. Yesterday, I saw my grandson and he just brightened my day. The minute he saw me he gave me the biggest smile and ran to hug me. He held me so tight and told me how much he missed me and loved me. I wish I could just wrap up that feeling and keep it with me all the time. With him, I know I am enough, but that won't last forever either. I need to find that in myself so that I can give so much more to them.

However, as the days go on and the nights get longer, I feel I am broken in the relationship sense. I have spent the nights tossing and turning and thinking. Too much thinking. I can't seem to shut it down. I have been thinking about my three most important relationships. With the exception of one, I know why the ended. There is one that I have yet to find out why it ended. He just stopped calling out of the blue. I never received the closure from him. However, with my exH and now BF, I know why it ended. For both, I was not enough for them and no matter how hard I tried, I was just never good enough. I spent way too many years alone before I got in my relationship with BF. I steered away from them, actually using my kids as an excuse not to get involved with anyone. They were too little, I needed to spend my whole time with them. It worked at the time, but it also harmed me because I put all of me in them. Now that they are all grown, I couldn't hide from myself anymore and the reality of how much I have failed in the relationship sense kicked in. So maybe you have found someone that is way beyond repair. : (


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 1:26pm

Oh Trains, I cannot agree with your T. I thought that putting all of myself in raising my kids and working hard at my job that it would fulfill me completely. But the kids grew up and the work comes to an end every day. Then the reality of just me sets in. I guess I have never been able to figure out who I really am outside of my kids and the job. The question I guess for the both of us now is how do we steer this boat to get back on land like everyone else? What will it take to be enough within ourselves? I know, more questions and no answers. Thank you for hearing me out.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 2:03pm

Daisy: I don't have many people in my life. I have my kids and grandsons that I love with all my heart. I have only


Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 6:23pm
Aww, sweetie.

Those two relationships did NOT end because you were not enough. You said yourself - your marriage was not a good, happy one. And that you walked away when your ex-h raised his hand to you. He didn't cheat because you weren't enough - he cheated because *he* wasn't enough, and he was looking for someone or something to fill the holes he had.

Which...is likely also true for your ex-AP as well.

In both cases - you are taking too much onto yourself, sweetheart. You were dealing with flawed people. It wasn't that you weren't enough for them - they were flawed.

I mean - all of us know that infidelity crosses all of the lines there are in terms of people, and their "station" in life. Whether you're rich or poor, whatever your nationality is, or your race, whether you're male or female, whatever you look like - infidelity is everywhere, and it isn't confined to any specific group of people, right? Just look in the news at the stories from Hollywood - and then, think about all of the stories that all of us know, that never made any news outside of our circle.

So, if you are still carrying that on your shoulders, that you weren't enough, and that is why your ex-h behaved the way he did...well, it's time to get rid of that weight.

And, if you're carrying more "not enough" because of your ex-AP...then it's time to dump that one too. Him not getting a divorce is not because of you - that is his to own. His choice, his decision - his to take responsibility for.

As long as we look at ourselves through other people's lenses - we will always be flawed, and distorted. As long as we let other people lay their vision of who we are over our own - we will remain blurry, and unformed.

You don't have to have all of the answers, ITD. Heck, you don't even have to have *any* of the answers. But, you absolutely get to be the one who decides what those answers ultimately are. No one else has that ability, that is your power to have, and to keep. No one else's.

You're a loving mother, and a fabulous grandmother. Those are definitions of you that YOU have worked for and that you have made happen. No one else had anything to do with those things, right? That came from you. So, maybe it's time to start thinking about the next thing that you want to be fabulous at, and then make it happen.

I would guess that if you really start to think about it - about who you are, about what things about you are totally awesome and kick ass - that your list will be longer than you think it will be.

Those are the things to focus on - and to remember. You are...whoever you want to be, sweetie. Whoever you choose to be. And whoever that person turns out to be? Will be MORE THAN enough.

Big hugs, ITD. For what it's worth, I think you're awesome.

But then again - who cares what *I* think of you. ;)

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Sun, 02-05-2012 - 5:04pm

I strongly suggest T. You are telling yourself that a relationship where you settled for being with a MM defines who you are. The relationship was a dead end from the very start. Out of the three ppl you have loved how many of them were truly available to give the love you really need? A MM has an entire life with another woman and can't possibly have a healthy, strong relationship with someone outside of his M. The next time you open your heart open it to someone who doesn't come with a big sign on their forehead advertising that they are a liar and cheater.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sun, 02-05-2012 - 7:37pm
Holy blanket statements, Batman!

And now, I'm off to check my forehead. I think I have a little something *right* there...

Kim

    

Pages